Friday, December 31, 2010

Christmas Tit-Tats, Don and the Bruins' Chances

Dawg,
I am a little late getting my wife something for Christmas. She is a huge Red Sox fan and she has breasts.

I was thinking about getting her a Red Sox tit-tat for the holidays. Is this a good gift for my lady?

She's from Southie so a tattoo seems appropriate? (and which boob?)

Also, are the Bruins going to win the Cup? -Larry, South Boston

Rick,
You guys going to that place on L Street? Tell them Dawg sent you and Jimmy will give you a free shamrock above your wife’s spandex whale tail.

Always remember Chuck, that tattoos are forever and no matter how much you can try surgery can never really undo what’s done in a South African shanty town parlor with two hookers, a razor, an ink pen and a half ounce of Korean opium.

You said you’re from Southie, right? Remember too that she’s your woman. Holiday gifts are optional as long as you're diggin’ out her mother’s parking space in the winter and saving it with an old record player or something. If all else fails, “forget” to wrap it up and give her a baby for Christmas. Women love babies, esp. during the holidays.

Right now, the Bs stand at 20-11-5. Not horrible but the not the kind of record you'd expect from a team with this much talent. The 2010 playoff collapse was an epic failure to say the least. If we see that kind of playoff result again this year, I’ll will most definitely kill a South American dictator out of pure spite, “too many men penalty” my ass.

However by then, the Sox will be 30-0 and I’ll be counting Wally Doll and sausage receipts into the millions.

In my mind, the Bruins have played too many games this year with a lackluster effort (see our last game against the Ducks). Maybe they need some drama/intensity to fire these guys up. Perhaps a locker room fight or two? Another two-week trip to Europe isn’t the answer this year. Who knows? Guys like Recchi, Chara, Seguin and others need to step up or play elsewhere. Maybe the Bs should ask Don to announce some games. Guy never shuts up about hockey.

However like Chicago proved, the regular season means little in hockey when the playoffs last a trimester. Teams that come in ready to play, healthy and streaking win Stanley Cups.

Have a happy and safe New Year everybody. -Dawg, left boob

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Bobby Jenks, Girly Gripes and Tweets From the One and Oney


Dawg,
Is a man a pussy if he talks shit on Twitter like Oney Guillen? Should Bobby have tweeted back?

It used to be a man got mad face-to-face, but in this new age every Chris Brown is tweeting gripes from the comfort of his marble coated hot tub.

Teddy, if that's the case I have a few gripping tweets to tweet about Grady Little, Kobe Bryant, CC Fatbathia or even Lindsay Lohan not being in that Pornopic anymore about Linda Lovelace.

Also, is the Celtics’ season ovah? –O’Donnell in Weymouth


O’D,
When I was a young whippersnapper a twit was kind of a weakling or a British guy. As in "Get a load of that British twit wearing sandals at a baseball game." Now, it's something on my grandkid’s phone.

I have read some twits, and people tell me I have a Twitter account. Someone from my empire must maintain it, because I have no earthly idea what the hell it is. Seems like random people writing random things about their boring lives. Most of the people are losers, trying to get someone to retweet their idiotic thoughts.

Some people do things like this: #Gerbilinjetersass - and I don't get how that works either. They tell me it's a hash; again, hash was something totally different when Tedsicle was younger. Either it was something you ate at a truck stop or smoked with Butch Hobson in the restroom of the truck stop. Also, it's UnAmerican to complain or gripe about pornography. Give Lindsay a few months and you'll be seeing her beautiful ginger freckled sweater knobs on the screen before you can say Mean Girls.

A man is a wussy who gripes in a Tweet.

Bobby should have called Ozzie’s barber and bribed him to give the ol' manager a Hitlerstache like MJ. Now that would have #shushed Oney up quick.

The Cs will be fine. Once Rondo’s ankle reheals, he’ll come back to lead the team on another huge win streak. A couple of those streaks, Perkins gets out of his cheermoni suit and then the playoffs are here. A rested Garnett returns to the court to start pulling the cancer card on every role playing big man and Dawg is recounting his rings from the comfort of this cold, frozen mountain in Chechnya.

Have faith, be good and go Red Sox. -Dawg

Monday, December 27, 2010

Feel Bad for the Yankees?

Dawg,
On Saturday night I was in St. Brendan's in Dorchester lighting a candle for Rondo's ankle when I felt something on my arm. I 1st thought it was Father Mark looking for a hand job for old ties sake but as I turned I realized it was one of the Steinbrenner brothers, praying pitching. D, Should I feel bad for him? -Fitzy

Dear Sully,
It's good that you were in church, and because of your anecdote, I know you are a lying dick. First off, Father Mark doesn't touch adults. Secondly, I think it's pretty clear that the Steinbrenners don't "pray" to God. In fact, they have a family deal with Satan. Don't you worry about 'Lil Steins as I like to call them, they have all the money in the world (actually only 93.7% of all money) and will find someone to buy sooner or later. I think they can also call up one of their golden armed minor leaguers. I see one of their pitchers has been "lights out" in the Dominican Summer League, and those innings are almost exactly like facing major leqague competition. (That's called sarcasm, Sully). All I know for sure is that Andy Pettite can pretty much dictate the terms of his contract. If I were him, I'd fleece those fat inheritors until they end up scrubbing barnicles off boat bottoms to make ends meet. -'Dawg

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dan the Pedo and Kim Jong in a Bathrobe


Dawg,

Although I'm glad the Sox got another pen arm, this guy is a "pedo", right? Have you seen him? Is it just the beard?
Also, is it possible to induct an entire basketball team into the H.o.F. while they're still playing? -Murph in Leminstah

Sully,

First off, You can't judge a book by it's cover. But yeah, he's got that look. Remember he is from Warwick and they are all a little "off." I think it has something to do with the water or something.

But, I like what Wheeler brings to the table. He'll give you innings and has had solid numbers for years in the AL East. Think Timlin after he was a dominant closer but before he was a used up ragdoll. He makes the Sox BP that much deeper. If Lackett* gets it together even a little this year, the Sox will be dangerous. NBA - Yeah, I think there are 5 HOF players on the Celtics right now. They are one of the best teams I've ever seen. I'm so glad they are better than the Lebrons, because my heart couldn't take that.

I'm getting sick of stalking Kim Jong IL. He walks around in a bathrobe all day, and intermittently screams something crazy. Just like working the booth with Don I suppose. 'Dawg


Ow Ming

I see that filthy communist "Ow Ming" is all done for the year, and let's face it, career. It comes down to this: 8 foot tall people aren't made right. When they have the nobody over 5'8 rule implemented, look for the Dawg to get back to pro sports. It'll be the tight shorts era all over again.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lee to Philly

Nation,
I see the Yankees fans have something to be upset over. Getting the prized free agent during the winter meetings has become a yawner for Yankee fans. I half expect them to sign all stars to back up their all stars at this point. But this year, something crazy happened and Cliff Lee chose to go to the Phillies rather than the Yankees or Rangers. So, the Yankees are left dredging the scrap heap for a decent starter. This means AJ Burnett is their number four starter. I would feel uncomfortable having AJ Burnett be the number four bagger at Wal-mart. Sometimes he would bag your deeply discounted items just fine, but other times he would miss the bag altogether, and would frighten kids with his horrendous tattoos and overall psycho-ness.
Now, the Yankee fans turn to "insane trade" mode, where they wonder why Felix Hernandez, Chris Carpenter and Cole Hamels don't just show up gift wrapped for a couple of low level, never gonna make it prospects. Sorry folks, it just doesn't work that way.
It is a lovely off season for the Red Sox. Nabbing Gonzalez, sneaking up on Crawford...and all they need now is a few arms for the middle of the bullpen. We can all kick back (in my case in a frigid foxhole in North China) and revel in the Yankees pathetic attempts to match the Sox off season.
'Dawg

Friday, December 10, 2010

Carl Crawford

Nation,
Late last night, a friend sent me a telegram (that's the only way I can communicate in the mountains here in North Korea) and asked what I thought about CC. Well, of course my first thought was that CC FatSlobbathia had a stroke or heart attack due to eating doughnuts and pizzas all day. I was glad to realize that CC is fine (I think, for now), and my friend was referring to Carl Crawford. As a guy who has spent a long time hating Crawford for his amazing skill set and penchant for sinking the Sox in so many different ways, I am sooo happy. Seven years of this guy in LF? Yes please. If he's not doing it with the bat, he can run like a deer, throw like Dewey and catch a fly ball like my main man, Otis Nixon, who as far as I can tell lived on crack and oxygen.. Thank you Theo, even though I'm in a frigid mountain setting, tracking troop movements this warmed my heart like whiskey, only without the vomiting on myself. MerryYankeekillingSeason!'Dawg

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Qaddafi, the Bimbo and some Fried Snikers w/ Baked Beans


Nation:
I write to you imbedded deep in North Korea, so I have to be brief. First off - Wikileaks. Is anyone surpised that Qaddafi was nailing a bimbo? Like he's batshit crazy but a faithful husband? Come on. Or that Iran is devious? Or Saudi Arabia is playing both sides against the middle? What kind of spying is going on here?

Thankfully, they have me working for them now so our leaked information should get much more interesting. For instance, did you know Kim Jong Il wears women's underwear, and bathes in baked beans every night? His son plays with army men and has a penchant for deep fried snickers bars. There's a lot more I'll let Wikileaks leak to you, I don't want to lose anyone a job!

On to more pressing matters of national interest. LeBron. I wonder if he's regretting his decision yet. The Heat have been manhandled by the good teams in the East and look a lot like a mediocre team. In fact, the triple threat looks like they are already out of gas. Bosh is too thin underneath. Wade all of a sudden looks like Scottie Pippen without Michael Jordan and LeBron looks like he's frustrated. What do you expect from a team coached by a 19 year old model?

I'm sure those guys are having a blast in warm Miami, meanwhile, Kevin Garnett and the Celtics are hungry and angry and are set not to be upstaged.
Okay, gotta run and watch this idiot fill his bathtub with beans.
'Dawg

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dawg Style Consequences


Hey Nation,
A lot of you are pretty ticked off about losing V-Mart to the Tigers. I don't have a ton of insight other than I guess pizza pays off, even if it tastes like cardboard and ketchup.

Since It's the offseason, I'm doing some moonlighting for my boys in the CIA in Korea. Let's just say, the next round of artillery will have serious Dawg style consequences. One of the benefits of foreign service for Uncle Sam is the wonderfully exotic women in these remote locations. I can't go into details, but they don't call it Pyong-Tang for nothing. Tomorrow, I'll be swimming across the river to the North Side, to see what Communist delights they offer up after I kick a little ass.

Did you know that hot dogs have a whole other meaning here? I swear I had a Poodle Schnitzel last night. I'm here fighting the fight, while Don is back hom
e sitting in his 24-7 perm-a-tan booth he has in his house. We tell him it's bad for his skin, but he'll probably OD on Doughnut holes before the rays get him.
Okay, gotta run, I want to make sure to devote enough time to my Korean Harem.
Oh, and Daisuke, your wife and my kid say hi.
Hugs,
'Dawg

Friday, November 12, 2010

Howdy Folks,

It's been awhile since I've posted. I was in a Philipino concentration camp, pretending to be a child warrior. Good thing I've maintained my boyish good looks. It seems as though the Red Sox didn't win the World Series when I was gone, but I'll take care of that next year. Now I see the LeBrons are not able to run with Boston's big three. Is anyone surprised at this? You've got those three superstars, one of which would be the 7th man on the Celtics. I'd rather have BigBaby than BabyBosh any day. Despite losing to the Canadiens last night the Bruins are looking tough. I had a chance to see them in Prague when I was meeting with some operatives there, and they look good to me.

Okay, I've got some guns to polish, I'll be back soon with more vital 'Dawg information.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Are the Cs going to pull this one out?

Course, this is basketball, not my particular area of expertise. Ask me about tracking former KGB agents or hitting a small white ball and I'll have a "for sure" answer for you. But since you asked, yeah, they'll win. I expect them to win the next three in a row, and send the Lakers back to the glorious lakes of LA. You know, I'm from Southern California and it ain't known for their lakes. They probably should have changed their name to something that fits LA a little better...Maybe the "LA Weeping Vaginas" or the "LA Famous Assholes"...Just a suggestion, I'm here to help. -RD

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The End: Game 7= Flyers 4, Bruins 3

Don't get your panties in a wad, it's only hockey. April Sox games are more important. I can't even figure out how to watch it on tv.
The Celtics look like they dogged the regular season. They look more like the team at 23-5 than the one beaten by the Nets.
Why is there bowling, darts and cheerleading on the worldwide leader in sports, but not hockey?
Though Dawg does enjoy a perfectly executed pyramid...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Let them throw Tito


When I played there weren't any goddamned rifts because none of us talked amongst ourselves. When it come to playing baseball, it's like going to work. Bring your lunchpail, and play ball. If a player has a greenlight to go when he wants to go, other players don't need to question that, unless they want this crap playing out in the media. Which it is.
They are off to a slow start, they are playing like crap. They have the pieces to be a very good team. Especially if any of their so called aces decide to show some balls and get through more than the 5th inning. 100 pitches my ass. Boo Ferris never said "my arm hurts, take me out, I need a pitch count and I need to change my maxi pad after five innings". The GD manager won't LET matsuzaka throw as many pithes as he wants, so it's hard to blame the pitchers only. That kid has a rubber GD arm and should be getting warmed up at 100 pitches. I'm sick of these "million dollar" arms being treated like a bunch of weak armed pussies.

Let them throw Tito.

'sicle

Thursday, April 29, 2010

My Points? Check Beckett's '09 April-identical era and similar peripherals


Dawg, How do you think Boston will handle Cleveland in the playoffs? My buddy at work says that Lebron hurt his elbow because he takes 35 shots a game. Is that too much? Do you think Boston should be worried about Shaq or he just too fat to play Garnett?

Also is there a way that Selig might allow the Red Sox to only play the Orioles and Blue Jays until August or something? -Britney in Bedfed

Hi,
First off Cleveland is a city full of losers. Lebron will not stay in the cesspool by the lake. He probably hurt his elbow carrying the rest of that team. Shaq is fat, slow and talks like Andre the giant. Sideshow Bob Varejao is yet another soft euro or South American pussy, who weeps every time there's a hint of contact. Cs in six.

The Sox will come around.
They have some good young arms, but all that Florida poontang they had in spring training tired them out. Check Beckett's '09 April-identical era and similar peripherals. I learned that from that midget nerd Rosenthal's tweet. Yeah, I read Twitter, assholes. Remy has time, an Internet account and thought twitter might have some kind of detanning cream for Don.
Hugs, RD

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why the Red Sox Suck

Remy,
Can you tell me why the Red Sox suck? -Donny in Dorchester

Sure I can Dohnny,

1. Vlad Guerrero is 53 years old and crippled, and he stole a base last night off Martinez.
2. Jacoby looks good and all, but he has to stop running into guys, all that rah rah shit only goes so far. I hear Trot Nixon is cutting grass in Georgia.
3. Aces - I thought they had three or four, when do they show up?
4. JD Drew - sweet swing, but that swing has yet to connect to a baseball.
5. Tito looks too content. Soon to be heard at Fenway if they don't turn this around "Fire Francoma."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Back to the Booth

Dear Nation,
As you know, or may have heard, I'm coming back to the booth to pretend to like that fat bag of crap Orsillo. Usually, I spend a lot of time dreaming up exciting ways to kill him during the games. It usually involves a tanning bed and steak knife.
I'm happy to be temporarily stepping away from my covert career and going back to baseball. I miss the profits, the young ladies throwing themselves at me (Every day is Mardi Gras for the Dawg), and the witty banter with Don. (kidding about the last one). Tonight I'll be looking at that fella who is attached to the world's largest adam's apple, AJ Burnett. What a douche. Can you imagine having an arm like that and being a half assed pitcher? I played the last five years of my career unable to walk, just because I loved the game. Someone needs to jam a pen in his adam's apple and end his misery. I might just be the man to do it.
Dawg