Letter From a Birminghills Jail

Just received this dispatch from Charlie. Sounds like he's having a rough time. Be well brother- Dawg

Letter From a Birminghills Jail

My Rehab, Day 3

Dear Diary,

The nurse discovered a brick of cocaine I disguised as a pack of Marlboro Lights. There was a brief struggle but without alcohol, my strength has left me. Was a fool to think a bribe would work; the accountants have my checkbooks.

Emilio and Sonja sent a dozen roses this morning. Smoking them made the room smell good for a while, then just the smell of sadness and sobriety.

Food has lost its taste. This morning the “chef” sent pheasant terrine, cream of asparagus and polenta soup, and a salad of mixed greens topped with goat cheese and Peruvian mango slices. Is this a McDonald’s? I may starve. I have the goat cheese drying by the windowsill hoping it powders.

The doctors say I’ll need to be here for a while. My publicist says only until all of this blows over. A poor metaphor. He’ll be begging into the porn mansion by the end of the week.

I think a Kennedy is in one of the rooms on this wing. I hear someone crying for the babysitter at night. Using an elaborate series of knocks and coughs I have been attempting to communicate with my fellow prisoners. Perhaps we can join together and rush the sauna? Yesterday one of the guards caught onto my scheme and threatened to take my HBO privileges.

Cryer says he may be able to smuggle me in a porn star later today. A tiny one like Kelsey Michaels or Leah Luv might be able to fit in one of his shoes. We’ll see. I haven’t gone this long without banging porn star since Denise took the kids to Disney World for a weekend in the mid 90s.

But alas my gold and silver flecked Venetian candle burns thin in the waning evening sunlight. Lights out here at 9pm sharp. Usually I’m on my 3^rd at Mr. Chow at 9…

I shall persevere. Yours in brotherhood. –Charles

Charlie Sheen, Some Dudes...

Dear Dawg,

What the hell is going on with Wild Thing Rick Vaughn? -Chuck in LA

Dear Chuck,

Some dudes can hold their liquor...coke, whores...whatever. Charlie is just not one of those guys. Do you think every time DeNiro had five whores and a suitcase full of blow we had to hear about it and worry about him dying? Hell no. Some will say the difference is the media spotlight and the TMZs and Perez Hiltons, but let me tell you that in the Dawg's day, we didn't get caught because we weren't a bunch of whimpering pussies with tummy aches.

Sure Butchy got busted getting a bunch of blow shipped to him in a hotel, but even that was long after his playing days. I blew a gasket once when I had a three week straight party in 1978, but I went to an "under the table doctor" who gave me a washcloth and a bottle of scotch while he performed surgery with a rusty scissor. (I think he drank half the scotch btw).

Now, that's not to say I dislike Charlie Sheen. He is a good fella, bought the Dawg a few drinks once in LA near UCLA in 1995, he bought four rounds for everyone in the bar that night and couldn't have been a nicer guy. He's also a big baseball fan and once bought out the entire left field bleachers of an Angels' game to catch homerun balls. Unfortunately for him, if he can't hide his blow a little better, he'll be catching a different kind of balls in prison.

I've got to go, there are five lonely ladies and a suitcase what need Dawg's attention pronto.

Hang in their Charlie, I owe you a drink - anytime bud...

'Dawg

Ailing Prima Donnas and My Aunt Rosemary

Dear Dawg,
Are the Rays gonna challenge the Sox now that they signed Manny and Johnny Drama?
Worried in Gloucester

Dear Worried,
If it were 2004, I'd be worried about this. But let's face it, these are two players wayyyy past their primes. When Johnny was smack dab in the middle of his prime he threw like my Aunt Rosemary. I have to admit that if Manny could be had for two million dollars, I wouldn't have minded the Sox taking a flyer on him to give them a right handed power bat off the bench. But, I've never heard of a team carrying two DH's Also, I don't see Professor Maddon and the ManRam getting along all that well. Manny is either going to shock us all and start hitting bombs again or he'll be a clubhouse cancer and start reaching for a tender hamstring every time The Professor asks him to hustle down the line. I have to admit to being shocked when I learned both were signed at the same time. I was half thinking they would sign Cesar Crespo and Curtis "The Mechanic" Leskanic to contracts too.

All that doesn't mean a hill of beans when I think of Johnny and Manny, because to me and the rest of Red Sox Nation, they will always be part of the original 25. The 25 that never need to pay for a beer in New England ever again. Damon and Manny were two of the most important pieces of that magical year. My guess is when they come to Fenway, the fans will stand and cheer, at least I hope they will. I hope they both have fantastic years against the Yankees and play like ailing prima donnas against the Sox.

Don't worry,
'Dawg.

Lance Probably Had Help

Dawg,

Is Lance dirty or clean? -Bob, New Bedford, MA

Rob,

Here's the deal with the cheating. Can you name one competitive bike rider who hasn't tested positive or been suspected of doping? I know if they sawed off one of Dawg's nuts, there wsould be a national day of mourning and I sure as shit wouldn't be winning any races, or putting my one good ball in jeopardy by squishing it on one of those bike seats. I mean those things are smaller and harder than seats at Fenway. Apparently asses were a lot smaller in 1906.

But Dawg digresses. I don't freakin know if he's clean or dirty. I do know where there's smoke there's fire. I also know the entire country of France is after Armstrong. They can't stand the idea of a brash Texan kicking their asses up and down the Champs de Lycee. I do know he dumped Cheryl Crow right as she was about to get over ripe, so I applaud him for that. I'm sure he's on to something younger, hotter and probably surgically enhanced.

People are trying to compare him to that fat cheater Clemens, who's ego wouldn't fit in France. Roger is still screaming he's innocent to anyone who will listen, even though they pretty much have all but the needle hanging out of his ass. Turns out Dan Duquette was right on when he let Roger go to Toronto, he probably was in the twilight of his non-cheating career, but was about to enter the cheating part. I mean, I guess I can't say with 100% certainty that he used, but his best friend ratted him out and his wife.....

I think this speaks for itself.....Well, I hope Lance is clean, but if not, at least he beat all the Pierre's in France.

Soriano? The Yankees Now Have Some Depth

Dawg,
Have the Yankees leveled the playing field now that they signed Rafael Soriano? -Ryan in Gloucester

Dear Bryan, First off, I wonder what Joba is thinking right now?

He went from can't miss starter to heir apparent to Mo to set up guy to borderline, last man in, middle innings eater with a sweet DUI video and a meth mom mixed in for good measure. He went from invincible to a few bugs throwing him off his game against Cleveland in the playoffs to piece of shit AAAA mop up man in three years. Not that the Sox haven't had a few like him - I think Craig Hansen is the assistant carriage boy at my Stop&Shop. From what I understand he pushes the carts hard, but is very erratic.

I think Soriano is a good relief pitcher, and the Yankees bullpen is strong, and on paper is the strongest in the league. BUT, they are a tender elbow and sore back away from being garbage. They have serious issues with depth. They either sign suddenly over the hillers like Lance “The Prance” Berkman or absolute trash from AAA - like who the hell are these guys: R. Pena. They are one Cameron Diaz forcing AROD to "tweak" his hip away from replacing Arod with R. Pena. I'm not sure if R is his first name or if that stands for Rogelio or Renne.'

Quick, can anyone name Jeter's backup or Cano's? Guess who? That's right, R. Pena. So if there's some kind of locker room sexcapades and the naked tower tumbles the wrong way, R Pena better be ready to field three positions and hit .340.

Also, as I blissfully type this, Andy Pettite is spending time with his wonderful family in Deer Park, Texas. I hear Deer Park is an amazing place, especially from the months of April through November. Not to be missed. I have sent Mrs. Pettite several Tantra books, silk sheets and lube by the gallon just to make sure Deer Park's finest citizen is happy in all the phases of his life. Which I believe for a dullard like Pettite includes hunting, eating, crapping, mouth breathing and reproducing.

So that leaves Sergio Mitre (I'm pretty sure he's named after a gay saw) and Ivanona (I think I saw them open up for Loverboy in 1984) in the Yankees rotation. Now, that lights out bullpen will be overused. We all know CC gets tired, or hungry, after 6 innings. Inning eater Burnett is usually ready for a beer and tattoo after threeandtwothirds and Hughes still has the "Hughes rules" because the Yankees treat their young starters like fragile crystal eggs with anthrax in them. When do they take the diapers off Phil and let him go more than 6? Probably not this year. So, that puts a lot of pressure and innings on that infallible Yankees bullpen.

I still think the scales are tipped our way, but I am a major homer with tons of bias. -'Dawg

Manny, Strippers and Brazilian Communism

Dear Dawg,

Where do you think Manny Ramirez will play next year? –Jay, T.O

Luke,

Who cares? At the moment I’m living in a cave at the top of a mountain in Guanabara Bay waiting for that Marxist Dilma to get yet another drink on the beach. Jesus, lady leftist guerillas sure can drink. Is she making out with a donkey...?

I’ve got a minute here. Your question? Considering many illegal drugs are decriminalized in Canada, I think Manny will do very well if he signs with the Blue Jays. Canadians love individualism and have very low expectations for athletes not in ice skates. I think it’s a perfect fit. He’ll be just another guy with dirty hair there. Also like Manny, most Europeans are very lazy.

I was sad that the Chicago experiment didn’t work out for Manny but I think living daily under the threat of Oney Guillen’s tweets would be hard for anyone, especially someone who smokes 3 trees a day.

It’s also likely that Brandi Favre will be fleeing to Canada on her brother’s dime with a meth pipe hidden in her vagina. Maybe Manny and Brandi could be roomies? Just a thought.

Well that’s all for now. I think Rousseff is getting another lap dance (labor party perks). Manny loves strippers, maybe he should come play ball down here?? Gotta go. –Dawg

Baltimore's Chances? Dead Birds Don't Fly

Dawg, What's up with all these dead birds? Are they Baltimore fans? -Nik, New Haven

Dear Dik, First of all, I think the main point that people are missing with this weird bird thing is that dead birds can't fly. I don't want to get all scientific on you, and talk about the physics involved with gravity, but once those wings stop flapping - BLAM - those bad boys are falling to the earth. Sure, Orioles are known to gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but don't forget about high flyers like the Blue Jays and Cardinals.

My other theory is that there's a giant cat perched on a cloud, whacking those things out of the sky like Jason Varitek whacking Arod in the face with a mitt. The last theory is that those birds flew all the way from New York to try and woo local Arkansas boy Cliff Lee to come pitch for them and they are dying from mass depression. I mean have you seen their pathetic rotation for 2011. And now they are talking Kevin Milwood or Freddy Garcia? Talk about things that are dead - there's two careers for you that should be.

When Pet-it retires, expect to see some more flocks down over Texas. 'Dawg

New England, Steve Buckley and the F Bomb

Dawg,

Can you clear something up?
My buddy says that yelling "you're gay" in New England is no big deal. That hearing "fag" is akin to hearing asshole, dumbass and douchebag. Is that true? Cindy, Scituate

Dear Mindy,

Is it okay to say the word "fag?" Well, when you are twelve playing street hockey with your pals, yes. In a board meeting, no. Is it right to say it? No. I have good friends who are "fags" and the Dawg doesn't treat them any different than other non-fag friends.

In fact, guess what?, when you hang out with one, there's no competition for the ladies attention, kind of like rolling with Orange Don. So, I like them better than some of my straight friends. So, I don't let people use that word in my presence. Why? Because the Dawg doesn't perpetuate any stereotypes like that.

If you meant an English word for cigarrettes, go ahead and use it whenever applicable. Example: When I drink too much I really like to suck off a fag to relax myself" 'Dawg

The thing I Hate About Iraq is Everything

Dear Dawg,

Where you at this week?

Love, Jalal

Dear Jalal,

I don't know if you heard, but that dude who kind of looks like Darth Vader without the mask, Moqtada al-Sadr is back in Iraq and let's just say we need some eyes on this douchebag. He looks the part, and talks the talk, and now the Dawg is going to see if he can walk the walk. The thing I hate about Iraq is everything.

First of all, it's hard to tell what's doing under those Burqua things. You could be looking at 1971 Raquel Welch or Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show.

It's also dusty as all get out. Dawg has sand rocks up his nose (among other places). It seems to Dawg that these people are here just to steal our oil that their land happens to be on top of and it's Dawg's job to make sure scumbags like DarthSadr can't steal what's rightfully ours. Okay, gotta run, my Tabouli just showed up.-'Dawg

Princess Jacoby and Playing Through the Pain

Dear Mr. Dawg,

I need some serious advice. Over the holidays, I injured myself wrapping presents. It's a pretty bad cut, almost an inch long on my pinky finger. It bled for a while. I'm still on break from work but soon will be back in the grind. I'm not sure I'll be better by then...

Problem is Dawg, my bosses are real sticklers about work. They want me there a lot, even when I'm hurt. I took a few days off last year and they got real mad. What if my finger isn't right by spring Dawg, what should I do? -Jacoby

Dear Jac,

First off, wrapping presents is women's work. The 'Dawg gives his wife a new car every year just to avoid wrapping. But, since you decided to be in touch with your feminine side, it seems to be affecting you in other ways. The first thing you're going to need to do is change your maxi pad. Then, when you get that squared away. Cut your GD pinky off like Ronnie Lott did so he could play in a playoff game. I once saw Butch Hobson play a day night doubleheader with a piece of tape holding his arm together. Of course, he had ingested copious amounts of painkiller in powder form to help ease the pain. He also couldn't reach first base with his throws, but that's not what matters.

What matters is being a gamer. And if you are looking for excuses not to play, then you are no dirt dog.

Pedroia was basically out there last year taking grounders in a cast. He couldn't stand missing games while other players didn't even hang out with the team. Instead, they went to a beauty spa in Arizona. Now the Dawg has nothing against spas, I enjoy a good facial from time to time. I mean, who doesn't - but if a player is injured he should be around the team. Otherwise his teammates look at him as a big douchebag. But you can rebound from this new affliction by taking off the skirt and playing through a little pain, you pussy. XOXOX'Dawg