Trust in Danny...

Dear Dawg,
I've been drinking ever since the Celtics threw away their season when they traded Perk, how do I stop?-Mark, Manchester

Mahk,
Don't worry about stopping. Just drink for happiness. Perk was going to leave at the end of the season, the Celtics picked up Marquis Daniels replacement, only he's a better scorer, and a little bigger than Daniels. Now don't drinkfor the Euro jump shooting center (I think is last name is Nonads, he's a "throw in." Sure he can shoot outside, but I have a feeling he'd be little more than a speed bump when Dwight Howard drives on him and his nonads.

Don't get me wrong, Perk is a BAD MAN. His scowl alone caused NBA refs to rescind technicals and opposing centers to pee themselves in terror. But, he was also injury prone, and the Celtics have committed to the Broken Down Corpses of the O'Neals through 2012. I think Doc has been resting Shaq for the stretch run and the playoffs. Jeff Green is a good basketball player, and the Celitcs are to be celebrated, not mourned. I've said it before, I'll say it again, trust in Danny - who was once a light hitting shortstop for Toronto. We middle infielders have to stick together. So Bottom's up Boston, I have a good feeling about this trade. XO-Dawg

The Points You Score in an All-Star Game Don't Count

Dawg,

I know you're friends with a lot of rich and famous people. Can you get a message to one?

Can you please tell Kobe that the All-Star game doesn't count, scoring a lot of points is ridiculous and no one watches the game except Jay-Z, some Kardashians and the Chinese. Thx. Doug in Dahchester

Dear Kobe,

One of your fans ask that I write to you explaining that the points you score in the All-Star game don't count. When it counts is when Rondo is in your shorts, Pierce is sweating all over you and KG is hovering, ready to drop some nastiness all over you. Maybe it counts when you drive the lane, and find Kendrick Perkins waiting for you, begging you to TRY and posterize him.

No, that's when you'll be settling for twenty foot jumpers and claiming someone got you on the wrist, when really - they got one on your brain. Sure the Lakers won game seven, but it was in spite of you, "Mr. Clutch."

'Dawg

(Also, Vanessa Bryant has a big tushy)

Breaking News: Soulless Ginger Wins Something

Soulless Ginger Takes Flight Over Foreign Car; Wins Some Contest.
Very large man thinks putting teddy bear in mouth cool.
Also, accumulation of score robs Pierce, Allen of 3 point honor.

Do You Know Who I Am?

Dawg,

Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about me problems. (swig o' scotch). FU Perro. -Miguwfwd..

Miguel,

I understand, Jefe. Alcoholism (among other things) runs in Dawg's family. The first step is admitting you have a problem, but I would never admit that. First off, get a driver you idiot. I made 32k a year my first year in the bigs and I had a GD driver.

You make half the GDP of the Dominican Republic and don't have a car service? Go ahead and drink till your liver falls out. Mantle did it, and you seem to be able to handle it through the course of a baseball season. So don't be a quitter, but don't be a moron either. Look to Charlie, he seems to be dishing out all kinds of good advice to drinkers, crackheads and meth addicts across America. -

'Dawg

Nobody is Worth What That Fancy Prancing Cheater Makes

Dawg,

Is the Machine worth A-Rod $$? Would you pay him enough to date Cameron Diaz? Alec, Arlington

Dear Alec,

Nobody is worth what that fancy prancing cheater makes, but if you were to ask who deserves to be the richest player in baseball, playing for the best fans, greatest ownership group in the best city and state in the country?

The answer is yes. If you can convince the Machine to platoon at first/DH with Gonzalez, the Red Sox lineup becomes unbelievable. I he were to come to Boston, that old hag Cameron Diaz wouldn't be fit to shine his shoes. Plus, he wouldn't have that nagging fear AROD has that at any moment of any day, Varitek could be preparing to dish out another glove sandwich for his pretty boy face. Plus, Pujols wasn't caught with a syringe hanging out of his ass like AROD. He's the real deal, the natural...I'd love to see him in a Red Sox uniform. I feel so strongly about it that his first hotdog is free at the grill.

'Dawg

When the Going Gets Tough, the Heat Cool Off

Dawg,

I'm confused. How did the Celtics beat the mighty Heat? Don't the Cs have only 6 players this week? Also good work in Egypt boss, how did you do it? Tony in Topsfield

Dear Anthony,

Yes, the Heat are invincible, they are 30-6 since whenever and they dine on teams like the Celtics, who are banged up and missing half their team. But somehow when they play the Celtics, they can't do anything right. I'm pretty sure the Heat are o-fer against the Celtics this season. That has to be in their heads for the playoffs...The Celitcs have to feel pretty good about how they match up with the Heat. And the Heat have to feel pretty good about beating up on the cellar dwellers for now. Because when the going gets tough, the Heat cool off.

Egypt was a long slog, but when I threatened to pull the plug on Hosni's Swiss accounts, he decided he would rather be a multi billionaire than assassinated in the middle of the night by one of his "trusted" advisors. Don't you worry about Hosni, he's knee deep in cash, booze and women as all deposed dictators should be. -XXOO Dg

Ray Allen the Best Shooter Ever?

(Ray rests his shooting hand inside of a hot

asian girl's ass for 2 hours prior to every game)

Dear Dawg,
Is Ray Allen the best three point shooter of all time? -Reggie in LA

Dear Reggie,
Ray Allen isn't the best three point shooter of all time. He's the best shooter of all time. Period. He's also the best actor in the history of the NBA. Dude held his own with Denzell Washington and the Washington Wizards. He has guys draped all over him like Sheen has pornstars on him and he still drains his shots. I'm beginning to believe that he's not necessarily human.

Think about it. He hasn't aged at all, he does everything well (I imagine he was some kind of genius student too), and I bet he's hung like a rhinocerous. I hope the Celtics sign him to a Wakefield like contract, so he can come back and drain threes into his fifties. He also has learned to get in the head of Kobe Bryant. People knocked his Defense, but out of this world Ray always seems to give Kobe fits.

I also wanted to mention the Bruins. I turned on a few of their games last week, and all I saw was blood and goals. They are leading the NHL (by a lot) in fighting majors and are in first place in their division. I just hope they continue to beat the living hell out of the more finesse teams. Good to see old time hockey making it's way back to the NHL. Punks like Crosby and Ovechkin need a friendly elbow in the face from Shawn Thornton to remind them what sport they play.

All is well in the Nation - Basketball, Hockey and Spring Training on the horizon. XOXOXOX-Dawg

See The 2011 World Series Champions

Dawg,

I went to a football game in Dallas last week. After slipping on some ice outside, I walked into the stadium and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones grabbed my ticket out of my hand, threw it on the ground and urinated on it while laughing his stretched out face off.

Then he made me sit in a folding chair beside a sausage vendor to watch the game. Dawg I've never been to a Super Bowl game before and I paid $8,495,504 for that ticket. Was I ripped off? -Left Out in Leminstah

Dear Left Out of the Game,

Here's what I suggest:

Stay in Dallas (Arlington, actually) for another two months. How much can a hotel room cost in Texas? (Do they even take American Money there?) and go see the 2011 World Series Champions open up against the 2010 American League Champions (Rangers) the weekend of 4/1/2011. That's right in just 8 short weeks (or less, Dawg is not a math guy) your Boston Red Sox will be opening up in Arlington. Now, if you present your Super Bowl ticket to me, and I can test for Jerry Jones' DNA, and confirm his DNA, Dawg will present you with a seat to the game for free. You will have to sit next to an Orange Don, who will be blinding from having been in Florida for two months, but you'll be able to sit in the booth with me, Charlie Sheen, Hosni Mubarek and a gaggle of whores and piles of drugs. I promise, it's not to be missed.

XOXOX

'Dawg

People Need Laughter Like I Need Coke and Pornwhores -Sheen

(Sheen Family Cat)

Fans, More words from Charlie. Pray for our friend. -Dawg

Dear Diary,

I have suffered for too long under the watchful eyes of the rehab nazis. Four full days without any of the things I need to live a productive life. I'm like the Gandhi of cocaine.

First of all, without Charlie, the most successful sitcom on television is in hiatus. People need laughter as much as I need cocaine and pornwhores. For the sake of our culture, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the many. Can you imagine that show with just John Cryer? Right: Unwatchable. Nobody wants to see a gay guy playing a straight guy acting like a gay guy. They want Charlie, with the chicks, the booze, the porn stars and most importantly, the ratings. Like my coke dealer once said: Life imitates art.

So I am going to rehab at home. And by rehab I mean I will be back to normal but my publicists (all getting raises) will tell you I am clean. I have a lot of work on the set and off to do in the coming weeks. It takes a logistical genius to plan for a pornhouse AND read ten bad lines a week for a tv show. This kind of work can't be done from inside the gulag of rehab. (The linens were only 200 thread count, my ass is chapped).

Also, I am a loving father who has children who need me to arrange childcare. I've carefully selected a diverse array of child-like pornstars (all under 100 lbs) so the kids have excellent role models, and someone who they can see eye to eye with, as well as service my needs as a sexually active Hollywood celebrity. If nothing else, I am efficient.

I actually never went to rehab this week. My last diary entry was written either by a coked up gerbil or Kacey Jordan, I’m not too sure. They’re both about the same size and, at the time, it was hard to tell who was who because I had smoked a lot of coke. Can't believe that rodent made it all the way to my hiatal.

So don't worry about me. I am hunkered down with my liquor, blow, porn stars, handy whips and three gallons of lube. I will be bringing the comedy to you shortly, and life as we all know it will be restored to pre-rehab levels. -Charles