Pitching "Depth"

Dear Dawg,
WTF is going on with the pitchers and Tito? He seems to have a new one every day.
Anthony

Dear Anthony,
Just this week we've seen Tazawa, Cabrera, Traber...and who knows who else? I hear Hideki Irabu is looking for work, and if the Sox are looking to get fatter and more Japanese, that would be the way to go. If they are looking for the hot wife type pitcher, Irabu's teammate is Jose Lima, and I think we all remember Jose Lima's wife. (moment of silence)
Okay, I've got my breath back.

Look, when you use 14 pitchers every night against the Yankees, you are going to have to go deep into the well to get arms that aren't pure jelly. Manny and Ramon can't sign their checks their arms are so sore. The other day, I overheard Okajima saying he needed one fo those "Happy Ending" massages for his shoulder - though I'm not entirely sure his grasp of the language is crossing some wires there...I'm half expecting to see Jeff Reardon, Heathcliff Slocum or Ramiro Mendoza to come through that door, knowing Theo, I wouldn't be surprised.

I wish I had more answer for you, but the connection in the Congo is not very strong.

Hugs,
'Dawg

Smoltz's Secret

RD,

Can you explain why Tito started a pitcher who was born in the 50s against the Yanks in such an important series? How's Libya?

Dear Vincent,

Smoltz was actually intentionally bad for the Red Sox. He needed to be released so he could be on assignment with me here in Libya. We are tracking a new warlord here and I need someone who can throw a grenade 88 feet and then have it drastically drop off (like a 12-6 curve) into his rabbit hole. Pedro was supposed to do it, but he decided another jaunt in the majors was worth more to him than defending liberty and freedom. John Smoltz was willing to sacrifice the end of his career AND the Red Sox season in order to get his release so he could strike the terrorists where they live. Thanks John.
He's here with me now, cleaning his dentures and polishing his head.

XOXOXOX
'Dawg

The Truth About David

Dawg,

Is it true? Is David a cheater? –Fitzy, Barrington

Fitz,

I’ve spent the last week in a North Korean safe house trying to find a way out of this god forsaken country.’ Bamer wanted an old bottle of gin out of Kim’s Jon Il’s legendary wine cellar. Needless to say, our ops team lost focus. Donny and Kill (both from Brockton) decided to go exploring and things got a little dicey went Kim’s son found me and the two Navy Seals going through the Olsen Twins section of his DVD collection with a bottle of 1964 Grey Goose and six cartons of the finest counterfeit Marlboros money can buy. I barely made it out of Kim’s palace with my mustache and smokes.

Regarding David, I think it’s ridiculous to think that he was ever on steroids. Completely ridiculous.

1) Since 2003, I’ve been monitoring David’s diet and exercise regimen. Theo, John and I agreed this was best for the team. Ortiz has been hitting Gym America, running .5 to .75 miles per day, consuming 12-14 Remdogs per day, studying, living clean and working his ass off in the gym some more. That’s why he’s so damn good. Also, in the rare case where David has slipped out from under my vigilant guidance, Heidi assures me that his testicles are very large and in fine working order.

2) Why would a man who so vehemently bashed other steroid users in the past have taken them himself? This makes no sense. A player would have to be an idiot to demand a 1 year game ban for the 1^st offense and ‘roid it up. A total idiot.

3) It’s entirely possible to be Jeremy Giambi’s back-up at the beginning of a season and have 100 RBIs at the end. This is America.

4) Manny Alexander doesn’t live here any more. If he did, he’d tell you ‘roids are perfectly legal in the DR, so if Dave took anything that’s banned, he did it in a 3^rd world country where the only rule is, “don’t get caught.” (and boil your toilet water before drinking). No rules broken, H.o.F. ballot please…

5) My son Jared does not take ‘roids and is not connected to David in any way. His trainer and Jar just swapped mixture ideas, that’s all. I will commenting more on Jar later in the week.

Opps. That’s my flare. We need to be on the roof for the ‘copter in 30 seconds. Will write more this week Nation!! Go Sox.

Tito and the Most Dangerous Game

RD,

I wanted to warn you and your readers about a dangerous binge drinking game kids have been playing around here lately. I heard some BC kids on the T talking about taking a sip of orange-berry schnapps every time Tito spits in the dugout. My friend got a packie at the liquor store and decided to try it. Dawg, he was dead by the 3rd inning. I am devastated and I think your readers should never try and play chicken with Tito's saliva.

Also Dawg, what do you think about Wakefield. Is he going to be all right?
-Donny, Dorchesta

Donny,

Is there a different kind of drinking than "dangerous binge?" Seriously, Last year Don ended up with a second wife in Tijuana after the Angels series. Not all that horrible, except his bride was a three legged donkey. Tito has a glandular problem, Spitosis - another sufferer must be that Garza kid with Tampa Bay. I think they can call a rainout on a sunny day when he pitches. Plus, if not the saliva game wouldn't it be something like "references to Michael Jackson" on CNN or "times David Caruso touches his sunglasses" on CSI Miami?

I spoke with Tito a few weeks ago about Wakes. Let's just say he's here with me, in Monaco doing some undercover work. Let's just say his super strong knuckles made him a required player in my current assignment. I'll cut him loose in a few weeks...

-Dawg

Diapers or Beer?

Dear Dawg,

I was wondering if you, in your free time, could ever offer financial advice during steakout breaks while a mission. You seem to have a minute or two on this blog while waiting on dictators and warlords to enter and exit buildings. RD, I miss your sage wisdom from the booth. Plus my Wally doll is starting to turn brownish-yellow, kind of like when the flower died whenever they found ET in ditch somewhere.

The other day I was in CVS and had only $8.97 . My wife had asked me to pick up diapers on my way home but I was also all out of beer. I was about to grab a 6er of Heiny when my scrotum started to ache. After much debate next to the very reasonably priced shampoo section, I bought diapers for my son. Dawg, did I do the right thing?

Also Dawg, please let us know about what you’re doing this week, mission-wise. Don said something about you working an op in Delaware. Something about a hidden microchip in Biden’s forehead mole. Don talked all about it but Bay was at bat and I was adjusting my television color’s balance because again, Don looked like a spicy hot Cheetoe. Thanks for any help you can give RD. – Sully in Woostah.

Sully,

Diapers are important - no doubt about that. But, if you went through CIA advance survival training, you'd know you could have drank the beer and mashed up the six pack carton until it was a soft pulp, then pull the label off your beers and use them as a wet shield. Then you are maximizing your supplies. There's always a way to kill two birds with one stone.

As for the Wally doll - No returns on those so, I refuse to acknowledge that one of them is less than perfect. I suggest buying three more Wally Dolls and hermetically sealing two of them so they don't fade. Also, I'd wash that down with 3 hotdogs and six beers from my hotdog stand in Fenway.

As you probably know, I can't discuss my ops until after they are done. Let's say I might be state side, or I might be in the Philippines.

Don's makeup lady, Ethel Brutz, is 97 years old and color blind. We just don't have the heart to tell her Don looks like a rotten pumpkin every night. -RD

Curtis Leskanic and the Dawg's Dogs

Funny how quickly things can change. One day I'm selling Hot Dogs at Fenway and admiring one of Don's suits, the next day I'm perched atop a tall tree holding a sniper rifle in the Angolan Forest waiting for Malo Blanco to make his next move. This gig is getting a little tired. There's only so much tracking and assassinating a guy can do before he's ready to get back to what he does best; schlocking 3 dollar t-shirts for 35 bucks. Let's face it, I might be helping my country here, but who's promoting the Rem Dawg's hot dogs? I got word last night that a crazed meth addict broke into the hot dog shop and did a lot of damage (turns out it was Curtis Leskanic after celebrating Beckett's last win with an all night bender). These are the things that don't happen when the dawg is there to guard his dogs. Of course, a diabolical African dictator is like a paralyzed mouse compared to Lescanik plus alcohol plus Beckett.
Okay, gotta go squeeze off a round - before he's out of range. -Dawg

Dawg and the Dunkies

Dawg,
The other day as I was entering the doughnut shop (guess which one), I nearly bumped into Tim Wakefield as I was walking in. As the moment in time slowly froze, I saw Tim throw his used napkin and empty iced coffee lattechinio cup into the garbage. After he left I waited and fished out the goods. My question RD is what to do with them now? Should I:

1) 1) Donate them item to the Hall of Fame, 2) Have an Ebay auction and then donate the proceeds to the Jimmy Find, or, 3) Attempt to glean Tim’s DNA from the items in the hope that Theo’s grandson can clone him in 2065?

Also RD, sorry things didn’t work out in Iran. Working on any other coups this week? -Skippy

Skippy (If that is your real name),

Obviously, Theo already has DNA from each player on the Sox for the exact purpose you mentioned in your question. And I know you are either working for the government of Turkey OR the Steinbrenners because Wakefield wouldn't touch an iced lattechino, he's a "Coffee, Black" kind of guy. Also, how the hell do you know about Iran and what went down there? That is classified information. Whatever kind of Taliban style chicanery you're up to, I'm on to you Skippy, and guess what? I have your DNA because you were dumb enough to lick the envelope. So, when you are snug in your bed and you feel a little moisture on your lips, it's not from a tender kiss from your wife, it's the R-Dawg suspended from your ceiling dripping liquid mercury into your stupid mouth, watching you gasp your last cold, dying breath.
If I'm wrong - sell them on EBAY, people will buy anything from the Sox. I used to make a killing off of used Nelson de la Rosa diapers.
XOXOXO,

5 Reasons the Red Sox will win the World Series

5. Facial Hair - How can Kevin Youkilis' Goatee NOT be in the World Series?
4. Josh Beckett is "odd year Beckett", and he looks dominant yet again. He looks way to angry to let another team have a sniff at a world series.
3. The Curse of the A-Rod - Steroids, gay self portraits, Madonna...I think Henry and Lucchino actually did get AROD when they went after him. Then they paid him to hit lots of homeruns in games that were out of reach. A-ROD should get consideration for Red Sox MVP when the Sox win the AL East this year.
2. The Puppets - The Papelbon Puppet, the Pedroia Puppet and now the Nick Green Puppet. Is there anything more exciting than a Nick Green Puppet?
1. The right wing paramilitary Junta I've been tracking will be exterminated in mid August, giving the RD time to get back and announce for the stretch run. This will all but guarantee a return to the October Classic.

A Message From Your President,

Red Sox Nation,

I know you are all wondering where I am, and aside from a message here, an appearance there...RD has been absent. Here's the deal, since this blog is private and meant for close family friends only (and Red Sox Nation), I thought I would document my real whereabouts here. Few know, because of my standing in the community, that I have spent the last 35 years working for the American military. Sometimes for the CIA, sometimes as an international "diplomat." President Bush (the one w/out TBI) called me the Moe Berg of my generation. I don't know about all that but I do know that I can shoot the nipple off a Yemen mountain goat from 2,000 yards and breath underwater for 7 minutes with my shoe.

So here I am, in the mountains of Bolivia (my wireless up here is great, thanks Theo!). I'm tracking a vicious right wing junta who will attempt to overthrow the government here in two weeks. My job: Assassinate Fidel Muchocabre before he can take power and shift the balance in Central America. You may ask what qualifies me for assassination duty in Central America? Well, aside from good looks and a Central American looking mustache, I am a world famous sports broadcaster that nobody would suspect as a special ops. agent. Sure, I could be selling hot dogs or Wally Charm bracelets to tourists in Boston, but I have to admit, there's nothing like seducing a 20 year old Peruvian supermodel spy so she'll give me the coordinates of the next Al Qaeda meeting.

I miss the Sox, Fenway and even Don's makeup "tan" - but I've been called to duty by the other Nation. Okay, gotta run, they're on the move and I just got bit by a bug bigger than Eck's moustache in '78. -RD