My Points? Check Beckett's '09 April-identical era and similar peripherals

Dawg, How do you think Boston will handle Cleveland in the playoffs? My buddy at work says that Lebron hurt his elbow because he takes 35 shots a game. Is that too much? Do you think Boston should be worried about Shaq or he just too fat to play Garnett?

Also is there a way that Selig might allow the Red Sox to only play the Orioles and Blue Jays until August or something? -Britney in Bedfed

Hi,
First off Cleveland is a city full of losers. Lebron will not stay in the cesspool by the lake. He probably hurt his elbow carrying the rest of that team. Shaq is fat, slow and talks like Andre the giant. Sideshow Bob Varejao is yet another soft euro or South American pussy, who weeps every time there's a hint of contact. Cs in six.

The Sox will come around. They have some good young arms, but all that Florida poontang they had in spring training tired them out. Check Beckett's '09 April-identical era and similar peripherals. I learned that from that midget nerd Rosenthal's tweet. Yeah, I read Twitter, assholes. Remy has time, an Internet account and thought twitter might have some kind of detanning cream for Don.
Hugs, RD

Why the Red Sox Suck

Remy,
Can you tell me why the Red Sox suck? -Donny in Dorchester

Sure I can Dohnny,

1. Vlad Guerrero is 53 years old and crippled, and he stole a base last night off Martinez.
2. Jacoby looks good and all, but he has to stop running into guys, all that rah rah shit only goes so far. I hear Trot Nixon is cutting grass in Georgia.
3. Aces - I thought they had three or four, when do they show up?
4. JD Drew - sweet swing, but that swing has yet to connect to a baseball.
5. Tito looks too content. Soon to be heard at Fenway if they don't turn this around "Fire Francoma."

Tiger is Sorry

Back to the Booth

Dear Nation,
As you know, or may have heard, I'm coming back to the booth to pretend to like that fat bag of crap Orsillo. Usually, I spend a lot of time dreaming up exciting ways to kill him during the games. It usually involves a tanning bed and steak knife.
I'm happy to be temporarily stepping away from my covert career and going back to baseball. I miss the profits, the young ladies throwing themselves at me (Every day is Mardi Gras for the Dawg), and the witty banter with Don. (kidding about the last one). Tonight I'll be looking at that fella who is attached to the world's largest adam's apple, AJ Burnett. What a douche. Can you imagine having an arm like that and being a half assed pitcher? I played the last five years of my career unable to walk, just because I loved the game. Someone needs to jam a pen in his adam's apple and end his misery. I might just be the man to do it.
Dawg