Monday, December 3, 2012

Kate Middleton, Who's the Father?


Dawg, 
I see Kate is expecting. Tell the truth. Did you make her your governess? -Mitch, Wooster

Mitch,
Sometimes royalty has a problem getting the old staff to stay at full mast. What with all their worrying about polo, social events and trying not to look like their father...So sometimes they might call in a real pro to take care of "business." If the kid has male pattern baldness, wicked quick feet, and a Boston accent... 'Lil Dawg could be king one day.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Sexy-fun-loving-girls-37

When is Too Much LeMuch?

Last night I was watching LeBron play basketball and during each commercial break there was a commercial either about:
1) LeBron playing basketball 
2) LeBron talking about how good he is at playing basketball
0r 3) LeBron talking about how other people think about how good he is or isn't at playing basketball

He did all of these things while either using a new cell phone or eating a juicy cheese burger. 


'Sicle, Is that too much LeBron? Should we get used to a one player league? Maybe all the players could change their names to LeBron to make it easier on the announcers and fans. What do you think?


Dear LeJohn,

Look LeBron was not the first athlete to try to do it all.  Bugs Bunny took on the NY Giants in a game of baseball and I believe he opened up a can of whoop-ass on them. While its true the LeBrons beat the Celtics last night, when the LeBron formerly known as Ray Allen gets a full season of cutting on his 73 year old ankles, he won't be hoisting up those three pointers with ease.  Also, the LeBron known as Dwayne Wade was not sharp and I bet he needs knee surgery before the end of the year.  Lastly the LeBron known as Tyranasaurus Bosh has a tendency to become extinct in the Playoffs.

Hugs from the field, can't tell u where I am, XXOO. -Dawg

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

http://hosted2.ap.org/MIARB/de28c0fc889d40d9b250be473495121a/Article_2012-10-23-Schilling's%20Gaming%20Company/id-8bb0f83aca3041649602995009cbb1b5

Dawg needs new gaming equipment.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy Birthday

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Staffer Manny has a birthday today. I gave him this.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dawg, If African Americans were in Red Dawn, would it have been a shorter movie?

I think we must be remembering a different movie.  The Red Dawn I know and love does have an African American gentleman.  In fact, i believe he is giving a history lesson in the first five minutes of the film when he steps outside because of the invading forces.  He is immediately blown away.  Come to think of it, I'm a bit surprised he didn't get a nomination.  The way he went down when getting shot 5 times in the chest with an AK was pretty unbelievable.  I'm pretty sure that same guy plays the loud police lieutenant who screams at the team for busting cars and not following the rules in every cop movie ever made.  

See, Red Dawn is the perfect movie. It beats "Red Sox" every time (this year). 

Dawg






Friday, August 3, 2012

When Russian Girls Cry...


Dawg, Is it wrong that I immediately began calling her the Black Squirrel?
No, she is black and they call her a squirrel.  You just put two and two together and got two. 
What is wrong was the promo NBC ran right after she got the gold with a monkey doing gymnastics.  Nice timing soulless network. #thanksNBC

What is right is watching 16 year old Russian girls cry.  There's something special about Russian Olympic tears that harkens back to the days of my youth.  I will never forget when those Commie bastards dropped from the sky and took our cities by force.  My friends and I were forced to run to the mountains and wage guerrilla warfare.  We surprised the Russians and had them on the run, but we were just kids...scared kids.... I've had Red Dawn stuck on a loop since they added it to Netflix streaming.  -XXOO, go Team -D

(there, there loser)

Also, from Nigeria:












Tuesday, July 31, 2012

They Did It Backwards

Dear Dawg,

I'm sooo upset over Rob and Kristen breaking up.  Is there anything you can say to console fans of Twilight?
xoxoxox 
Trampire

Dear Trampire,

I think we all know what is in Kristen Stewart's near future: Derek Jeter.  The king of consoling lost hollywood starlets is applying his Yankee cologne, and making sure his signature, and might I add - disgusting, smile is good to go.  Pretty soon, she'll be a wreck at the hands of the infamous lady slayer.  Crying outside his apartment door while he's involved in a threesome with Minka Kelly and Miss Universe.  All she did was make out with some married guy who directed her in a movie...If you believe all they did was make out, I've got some information for you - they did everything.  All of it, and they did it backwards, upside down and with spotlights.  It's hollywood, that's what people do out there.  Trust me, I played for the Angels for a while, so I saw the behind the scenes action out there.  Two words sum it up: Sex Cocaine.   

I'd say her only chance to escape the Jeter trap is to go for AROD.  The problem there, is she needs to look more like Taylor Lautner than Taylor Swift.  

Trampire, I feel for that vampire guy, because aside from looking pale and sad he seems like an okay kind of guy for a British guy.  He has all his teeth, wears a baseball hat and died in a Harry Potter movie. (I'll always love you Cedric!)

'Dawg

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Beckett Worries About How His Butt Looks in Skinny Jeans

Mr. Dawg, Does Beckett just needs a cup of hot coco and a hug?
Beckett used to be "commander kickass" and throw 97 mph heat high and tight.  I remember one time when he made Ryan Howard cry in a spring training game and then hit a massive homerun in the next inning just to show he could do his job and Howard's job.  Now he's a soft tossing, fried chicken eating wuss.  Even worse he's transformed Jon Lester into some kind of Texas fairy who throws 87 mph cutters instead of heat.  I used to think Beckett was a tough guy, but now he's more worried about his few days off a year and how his butt looks in skinny jeans.  If they can unload this POS on some other team for a bag of baseballs and his rookie card, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I get the feeling he's a bad seed.  I hear the Rangers are looking for pitchers, too bad Beckett isn't one anymore. -D

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Did it Hurt THAT MUCH?


NATION,
Some players are as tough as nails. Others cry when their pink nail polish gets chipped.  AROD is a part of one of those two groups.  He has been known to eat glove, slap balls and cry when things don't go his way. He flexes in front of mirrors, dates women with bigger biceps than his own and spends more money on hair products than most third world nations spend on food.  I'm sure it hurts when you break a bone in your hand, but does it hurt as much as AROD leads us to believe?  I believe he suffers from hypersensitivity, or as Sully from Staughton calls it "soft wrists."
XXOO, Dawg
I'm off to London. Will be busy working for the next few weeks. Will try and liveblog the female gymnastics.  GO USA!!!! Hopefully connecting up with ShaBron's mother at some point. She's free at least.

ALSO-
MAILBAG!!
From loyal reader Chucky at Norway Novelties:
Jesus, I thought somebody had shot him in the nuts he was crying so hard.  Typical Yankee pussy.

From loyal reader MannysPS2:
Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahaha
AROD has NUTS?  I think he wouldn't even feel a crotch shot!

One of the interns from the college has a birthday today (23). Good working BB. I am giving you this. Enjoy she has served me well:


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Boom Boom Go to Bed

Dawg, What was better, Paul's 3, Rondo's slap pass, or me beating an old woman in a Wade jersey while coming back from the bar last night? Also, does Ray Allen need eyes to shoot free throws? -Shannon, Dorchester


Trixie, Listen, The Celtics are for real.  If you want to know my personal favorite play it was LaBron turtling after KG whacked his shot away to start a fast break.  Rajon Rondo? Giant balls of steel.  Paul Pierced hitting that shot in LeBronica's face - classic.  Pietrus finally hitting shots in the fourth quarter was also tremendous.   Beating a heat fan is wrong, but Dawg understands emotions run high and seeing a woman in a Wade shirt is the same as seeing Wade in a Wade shirt.  They both have vaginas and get beat by people from Boston. Ray Allen could make free throws without arms if he needed to. Do you know why LeBron's phone is always set to silent? That's right, just like LeBron, it has no ring. He should play hockey too, that sport has no 4th period.
I'll be here all week, try the roast beef. Thanks, Dawg


Friday, May 11, 2012

Philly, Home of America's Cheapest Hand-Job

Dawg, 
Is Philly still the best place in American to get a hand-job from a homeless dude for the price of a crack rock? Is Josh washed up? Dirk, Boston

Dear Joshie,
Philly is home to a broken 300 year old liberty bell, feces infested steak sandwiches and, it's true, the cheapest gay handjob available in our great country.  I can't wait to see the Celtics crush the sixers - as it is now, was in the beginning and ever shall be - bank on it.

Hopefully the boo birds will motivate Beckett to get his fat Texas ass in gear.  I am outfitting a helmet with a pole, string and beer can attachment to motivate him.  It's still in beta testing but we believe that with beercouragement, Beckett will be back to his dominant self.  the other option is to let he, Lackey and Buchholz hold a round robin Russian roulette tournament.  That's what I call a win-win-win.

Also, I love you KG. -Dawg

homeless-signs-23
(Beckett in 3 months)
women-in-lingerie-7
(I'm shagging this one next weekend, she keeps callin' me)


Hunger Games

dopamine dump 34 Friday Dopamine Dump (37 photos)
dopamine dump 2 Friday Dopamine Dump (37 photos)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

LeBron's Mom

Dawg, 
I know you've had a lot of women. Have you ever tapped LeBron's mom? Justin, Southy

Dustin, 
A lot is a huge understatement, but I do not believe Mrs. LeBron (LeBronica?) and I have done the deed.  She's about 30 years too old for the Dawg.  It takes a young filly to satisfy this old Stallion. Just because half the NBA has tapped that, doesn't mean the Dawg has been there, done that.  


I don't know if you've noticed but I've been "sick" with a sinus infection for about a month now.  Any idiot who buys that I have a sinus infection has never been to cocaine rehab before.  Now, I'm not saying I am in cocaine rehab, but why else would I miss this awesome Red Sox season that is unfolding before us? I mean who doesn't want to watch Fat Labers give up massive home runs to lose games.  You can't see that crap in rehab.  Don't worry, I'll be back soon, stronger, smarter and less likely to fall off the wagon. 

Hugs, not drugs (for now).

Dawg


cleavage awesome 7 The not so subtle art of cleavage (31 Photos)

Friday, May 4, 2012


Dawg, 
I know he tore his ACL but the way he looked writhing on the ground, it seemed like Mo got snipped by Sirhan Sirhan. How did you do it Dawg? Will the Yankees be ok? -John, North Haven


J, 
The Dawg has never been a fan of any Yankee, any ex-yankee, any family member (distant relatives count) or fans of those assholes in Pinstripes.  Did you know they came out with Yankee cologne and perfume this year?  It smells like the Men's room at Old Yankee Stadium on $1.00 beer night during a janitor's strike.  I have to admit to fantasizing about razor blading Mariano's achilles when I was in an elevator with him several years back.  In fact, I had my hand on a knife and was salivating over that stick-like chicken leg, thinking I could end his career in a nano second and be on my merry way, the savior of Redsox Nation.

I must also admit to making fun of Mariano when he electrified his swimming pool and a few family members became Rivera Flambe when they mistakingly jumped into his private, not to be touched by other humans, swimming pool.  I mean, that was a dick move, no?

All that said, of the yankees I have watched over the years Mariano is most definitely the most talented and likable of the lot.  He's a class act and the best relief pitcher of all time (apologies to Mark Clear).

But to answer your question, bleachers, straw in drink is actually a dart gun, dart is actually a microbe that eats away at cartilage.  Two shots, one to the MCL, one to the ACL for good measure.  Career OVAH.

'Dawg

Thursday, May 3, 2012


Dawg shagged this last Thursday. I may call her again. She was a good cuddler.

Friday, April 20, 2012

I Wouldn't Trust Him to Sell Tacos

Dawg,

I knew going into the season that Valentine was an egotistical jerk, but I thought he was supposed to be a good in game manager. So far he has kept Bard and Morales in way past their expiration date.  When is Tito coming back? -Worried in Worcester

Worried, 
Although it may seem like I’ve been calling games since 1st pitch this year, I’ve been away helping the president get ready for a trip to Columbia (it looks like he won’t be needing me for a while though so I'm back). 

That’s actually been my robot double in the booth constructed of Wally innards, old sausages and Don’s empty tanning bottles. Don has no idea. Pretty good imitation, right? The front office told Don his old bottle collection had to "moved" to make room for a moustache collection. 

At this point Mr. Valentine couldn't scrub the wax off Tito’s forehead, who must be laughing somewhere under a waitresses skirt right now. The Red Sox are terrible and the rest of baseball knows it. The Sox ownership has made a huge mistake in bringing in a man who can’t manage a simple game. Take away the Tampa series and this is the worst team in the game. At this point, I don’t think I’d trust Bobby to sell tacos out of the trunk of my car.

Can’t wait for the Yanks this weekend, let’s hope Granderson is particularly susceptible to soft starting pitching and a weak bullpen. But have no fear nation, I think this team will eventually thrive despite this moron. Who knows, maybe he's even gone by the break? We'll always have the Olympics and these two.