Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Schilling Vs. Smoltz, Come On

Wasn't Schilling better than Smoltz? Louie, Rockpoht

Look Lew, 
I don't even want to talk about that bloated windbag Schilling.  Yeah, bloody sock, thanks for the World Series and all the really insightful political and religious commentary but Schill ain't getting in.  The worst thing in the history of the world is Pedro Martinez being off 49 ballots.  Pedro Freaking Martinez had the two most dominant years in history.  He mowed down steroid users like a champ, while keeping everyone entertained.  He deserves to be on 101% of ballots.  

Randy Johnson's mullet alone was on 83% of the ballots, but if you want my opinion and I know you do because you have already wasted time reading this, RJ was no Pedro.  Why was he on more ballots than Pedro? It makes no sense.  Now Randy Johnson is a bad man, who threw gas from the left side and was nearly unhittable, but Peter Martinez he was not.  
5'10 and 170 pounds (when holding a case of Mangoes), all laughs when he was off the mound and all kinds of ferocity when he was on the mound.  I believe this is a Yankee conspiracy aimed at belittling the greatest pitcher of his era who was also the Yankees' daddy.  (I truly believe that Pedro banged every one of their moms, and honestly, if he asked he could bang mine too.)
So if 49 writers disappear, will anyone give a frog's fat ass?  

(editor's note, question was about Schilly v. Smotlz. God and Bush aside, Schilly is a Boston Baseball god, that alone is a ballot filler)
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Tuesday, January 6, 2015


to the greatest pitcher that ever lived. HoFer Peter doing what he did best, messing dudes up.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

The Truth About Abby Chin

As an undercover intelligence operative for the U.S. Government during the Red Sox off-season, many of you know the perils I endure. My undercover work allows me to rest and take my mind off baseball after a long season. I need to deliver the best product in the booth for you - the viewer, despite what Don does behind the camera with fancy European tanning oil and black market hair spray.

Jumping out of airplanes while drinking champagne, boxing Russian bears, surfing websites without authentic security certificates, and of course, having deep and meaningless relations with Katy Perry (call me), are the side of Dawg the public knows. It's an image I must maintain.

However, it may come as a surprise to many of you that I have an on-again, off-again relationship with Celtics sideline reporter Abby Chin. When I say relationship, I mean Abby Chin has absolutely no idea who I am. As a sideline reporter for CSNNE, Abby is as knowledgeable about the intricacies of basketball as she is poised and confident under the pressure of Tommy Heinsohn's reddening cheeks while he bellows at her about foul shot discrepancies and team defense.

You can only imagine my shock when Abby retweeted a Dawg-ism last night during the Cs game. My skin turned whiter than Mike Gorman's hair, my thoughts more confused and disconnected than Dave Cowen's studio analysis. Did Abby really know how I felt about her? 

But alas it was only a quick push of a button during the hot passion of a tight Celtic's game. It doesn't take much effort to thumb an iPhone. The truth about Abby Chin is that she will be wooed away from the game by no man, even one as manly as Dawg. She cares only for the 12 man squad that is the Boston Celtics and that is why we love her so much. 

This comfort I will take with me as I tumble out of an F-16 over an undisclosed location somewhere near Yemen tonight with only my wits and a 35 year old bottle of cognac to accompany a lonely but contented heart in a 920 mph free fall. Duty calls Nation. Go Celtics. -Dawg

p.s. That block by Olynyk was completely badass, keep the kid Danny. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Who Really Hacked Sony? Rectal Feed Trebek's Mustache

Dear Mr. Dawg,Who really hacked Sony? -Kimberly, Hungul, Korea

Kimmy, As a super secret spy for the US Government during the baseball off-season, I spend a lot of time assassinating diplomats and banging Asian models in North KoreaI've given the security guards at the Ryongsong Residence their fair share of Cosby Jello shots and had my run of the compound when the Supreme KJ-Un is off on vacation beating slaves to death with a basketball pump. I've banged his whores, smoked his fine imitation cigarettes, and fed his dogs Chinese Arbys (tastes like Uncle). It's a nice palace to spy on, but honestly, I don't see Kim Jung hacking an American movie studio. He loves American movies, even the bad ones and that's a lot because Seth Rogen makes like 11 a year. If I was Sony, I'd put my eyes on Trebek's mustache. That thing's been missing since 2011 and has an ax to grind. It had access to every question ever answered, so that's something, all that high level computer code firewall security stuff that is completely unprotected in every major American corporation is too easy for a big-time dictator to hack, but a smart piece of facial hair.... I'd write more about hacking and other subversive spy stuff but I've got to go, Lucy (below) needs advice on how to best case my sausage. Happy Christmas or whatever. Jesus and I both love you. Yours, Dawg

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

LeBron Moves in on Dawg's Treat

Dawg, Can you believe LeBron put his arm around Kate? Is that dude crazy? -Doug, New Boston, Conn.
LeBron is Crazy for so many other reasons.  Putting his arm around the Princess is not a big deal.  You should have seen what I wrapped around her a few months ago.  Something tells me that future King might have some Dawg blood in him.  But hey, she can dip her crumpets in my tea any day. -Dawg
Lest we not forget who the REAL king is...

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


Dawg, Did the Sox overpay for their new talent? Sully, Roxburry

Overpay?  With whose cash?  John Henry's?  Good.  There's no such thing as overpay when it's not your money.  That guy owns a soccer team in England, a race car and a baseball team.  I don't understand the "markets" but I think he sells pork bellies or coffee or something and has enough money that he was able to marry someone half his age.  I'm pretty sure things like "the luxury tax" are okay when you can dredge that cash out of your couch cushions.  

The age of the spouse is directly proportional to the wealth of the person.  So, that dude who married Anna Nicole Smith was like a gatrillionaire, which is also the exact amount the Yankees have left remaining on A-Rod's contract.  Yeah, memba him?  He's my favorite Non-Red Sox player because he is weighing that entire city down like a bloated half horse, half man albatross.  Are they going to wheel his juiced ass out to third?  Is Canseco the starting SS for the yankees?  

Jeets retired just in time to avoid being A-Rod's teammate. Don't think that was a coincidence.     -D

Olivia Wilde Bikini Photos: Maui

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Dawg, did you bang any supermodels during your break?

c/o Ashley#HandsOffSyria

Dawg, We are so glad you are back in the booth so Don can now focus on his orangeness. Will you be lacing up your skates to help the Bruins for the NHL playoffs?

Also, did you bang any supermodels during your break? -Joe, Hahtford

I'd say it's good to be back in the booth, but I'm getting sympathetic burns from Don's brilliant orange hue after he spent three months in the sun without one drop of sunscreen.  As you all know, it's been tough for me and my fake family recently.  

My fake son, Jared has been in a little hot water over a murder or two.  But, all of that is a diversion for my real work which has been tracking Vladimir.  I say tracking, but really we hang out. He knows I'm there to watch him, so he sets the 'Dawg up with drinks, Russian models and top notch Russian Vodka.  Between the Hootch and the Kootch, let's just say I may have taken my eye off the prize a little when dude decided to invade the Ukraine. 

So, as punishment, I'm back in the booth with the second sun, Don.  The Sox are looking a little rusty, but hey - they are the world series champs, so I'll give them a pass.  The Bruins won the President's Trophy which is like going to the prom with the hottest girl in school and not getting to first base.  They are in it to win it, and will hopefully bang that prom date in the process.
That said, I hope nobody ever has to see Chara's "o" face.
Respectfully, 'Dawg

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Monday, December 3, 2012

Kate Middleton, Who's the Father?

I see Kate is expecting. Tell the truth. Did you make her your governess? -Mitch, Wooster

Sometimes royalty has a problem getting the old staff to stay at full mast. What with all their worrying about polo, social events and trying not to look like their father...So sometimes they might call in a real pro to take care of "business." If the kid has male pattern baldness, wicked quick feet, and a Boston accent... 'Lil Dawg could be king one day.

Thursday, November 1, 2012


When is Too Much LeMuch?

Last night I was watching LeBron play basketball and during each commercial break there was a commercial either about:
1) LeBron playing basketball 
2) LeBron talking about how good he is at playing basketball
0r 3) LeBron talking about how other people think about how good he is or isn't at playing basketball

He did all of these things while either using a new cell phone or eating a juicy cheese burger. 

'Sicle, Is that too much LeBron? Should we get used to a one player league? Maybe all the players could change their names to LeBron to make it easier on the announcers and fans. What do you think?

Dear LeJohn,

Look LeBron was not the first athlete to try to do it all.  Bugs Bunny took on the NY Giants in a game of baseball and I believe he opened up a can of whoop-ass on them. While its true the LeBrons beat the Celtics last night, when the LeBron formerly known as Ray Allen gets a full season of cutting on his 73 year old ankles, he won't be hoisting up those three pointers with ease.  Also, the LeBron known as Dwayne Wade was not sharp and I bet he needs knee surgery before the end of the year.  Lastly the LeBron known as Tyranasaurus Bosh has a tendency to become extinct in the Playoffs.

Hugs from the field, can't tell u where I am, XXOO. -Dawg

Tuesday, October 23, 2012's%20Gaming%20Company/id-8bb0f83aca3041649602995009cbb1b5

Dawg needs new gaming equipment.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy Birthday


Staffer Manny has a birthday today. I gave him this.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dawg, If African Americans were in Red Dawn, would it have been a shorter movie?

I think we must be remembering a different movie.  The Red Dawn I know and love does have an African American gentleman.  In fact, i believe he is giving a history lesson in the first five minutes of the film when he steps outside because of the invading forces.  He is immediately blown away.  Come to think of it, I'm a bit surprised he didn't get a nomination.  The way he went down when getting shot 5 times in the chest with an AK was pretty unbelievable.  I'm pretty sure that same guy plays the loud police lieutenant who screams at the team for busting cars and not following the rules in every cop movie ever made.  

See, Red Dawn is the perfect movie. It beats "Red Sox" every time (this year). 


Friday, August 3, 2012

When Russian Girls Cry...

Dawg, Is it wrong that I immediately began calling her the Black Squirrel?
No, she is black and they call her a squirrel.  You just put two and two together and got two. 
What is wrong was the promo NBC ran right after she got the gold with a monkey doing gymnastics.  Nice timing soulless network. #thanksNBC

What is right is watching 16 year old Russian girls cry.  There's something special about Russian Olympic tears that harkens back to the days of my youth.  I will never forget when those Commie bastards dropped from the sky and took our cities by force.  My friends and I were forced to run to the mountains and wage guerrilla warfare.  We surprised the Russians and had them on the run, but we were just kids...scared kids.... I've had Red Dawn stuck on a loop since they added it to Netflix streaming.  -XXOO, go Team -D

(there, there loser)

Also, from Nigeria: