Sunday, April 13, 2014

Dawg, did you bang any supermodels during your break?


c/o Ashley#HandsOffSyria

Dawg, We are so glad you are back in the booth so Don can now focus on his orangeness. Will you be lacing up your skates to help the Bruins for the NHL playoffs?


Also, did you bang any supermodels during your break? -Joe, Hahtford

John,
I'd say it's good to be back in the booth, but I'm getting sympathetic burns from Don's brilliant orange hue after he spent three months in the sun without one drop of sunscreen.  As you all know, it's been tough for me and my fake family recently.  

My fake son, Jared has been in a little hot water over a murder or two.  But, all of that is a diversion for my real work which has been tracking Vladimir.  I say tracking, but really we hang out. He knows I'm there to watch him, so he sets the 'Dawg up with drinks, Russian models and top notch Russian Vodka.  Between the Hootch and the Kootch, let's just say I may have taken my eye off the prize a little when dude decided to invade the Ukraine. 

So, as punishment, I'm back in the booth with the second sun, Don.  The Sox are looking a little rusty, but hey - they are the world series champs, so I'll give them a pass.  The Bruins won the President's Trophy which is like going to the prom with the hottest girl in school and not getting to first base.  They are in it to win it, and will hopefully bang that prom date in the process.
That said, I hope nobody ever has to see Chara's "o" face.
Respectfully, 'Dawg

ukraine mail order brides



Monday, December 3, 2012

Kate Middleton, Who's the Father?


Dawg, 
I see Kate is expecting. Tell the truth. Did you make her your governess? -Mitch, Wooster

Mitch,
Sometimes royalty has a problem getting the old staff to stay at full mast. What with all their worrying about polo, social events and trying not to look like their father...So sometimes they might call in a real pro to take care of "business." If the kid has male pattern baldness, wicked quick feet, and a Boston accent... 'Lil Dawg could be king one day.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Sexy-fun-loving-girls-37

When is Too Much LeMuch?

Last night I was watching LeBron play basketball and during each commercial break there was a commercial either about:
1) LeBron playing basketball 
2) LeBron talking about how good he is at playing basketball
0r 3) LeBron talking about how other people think about how good he is or isn't at playing basketball

He did all of these things while either using a new cell phone or eating a juicy cheese burger. 


'Sicle, Is that too much LeBron? Should we get used to a one player league? Maybe all the players could change their names to LeBron to make it easier on the announcers and fans. What do you think?


Dear LeJohn,

Look LeBron was not the first athlete to try to do it all.  Bugs Bunny took on the NY Giants in a game of baseball and I believe he opened up a can of whoop-ass on them. While its true the LeBrons beat the Celtics last night, when the LeBron formerly known as Ray Allen gets a full season of cutting on his 73 year old ankles, he won't be hoisting up those three pointers with ease.  Also, the LeBron known as Dwayne Wade was not sharp and I bet he needs knee surgery before the end of the year.  Lastly the LeBron known as Tyranasaurus Bosh has a tendency to become extinct in the Playoffs.

Hugs from the field, can't tell u where I am, XXOO. -Dawg

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

http://hosted2.ap.org/MIARB/de28c0fc889d40d9b250be473495121a/Article_2012-10-23-Schilling's%20Gaming%20Company/id-8bb0f83aca3041649602995009cbb1b5

Dawg needs new gaming equipment.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy Birthday

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Staffer Manny has a birthday today. I gave him this.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dawg, If African Americans were in Red Dawn, would it have been a shorter movie?

I think we must be remembering a different movie.  The Red Dawn I know and love does have an African American gentleman.  In fact, i believe he is giving a history lesson in the first five minutes of the film when he steps outside because of the invading forces.  He is immediately blown away.  Come to think of it, I'm a bit surprised he didn't get a nomination.  The way he went down when getting shot 5 times in the chest with an AK was pretty unbelievable.  I'm pretty sure that same guy plays the loud police lieutenant who screams at the team for busting cars and not following the rules in every cop movie ever made.  

See, Red Dawn is the perfect movie. It beats "Red Sox" every time (this year). 

Dawg






Friday, August 3, 2012

When Russian Girls Cry...


Dawg, Is it wrong that I immediately began calling her the Black Squirrel?
No, she is black and they call her a squirrel.  You just put two and two together and got two. 
What is wrong was the promo NBC ran right after she got the gold with a monkey doing gymnastics.  Nice timing soulless network. #thanksNBC

What is right is watching 16 year old Russian girls cry.  There's something special about Russian Olympic tears that harkens back to the days of my youth.  I will never forget when those Commie bastards dropped from the sky and took our cities by force.  My friends and I were forced to run to the mountains and wage guerrilla warfare.  We surprised the Russians and had them on the run, but we were just kids...scared kids.... I've had Red Dawn stuck on a loop since they added it to Netflix streaming.  -XXOO, go Team -D

(there, there loser)

Also, from Nigeria:












Tuesday, July 31, 2012

They Did It Backwards

Dear Dawg,

I'm sooo upset over Rob and Kristen breaking up.  Is there anything you can say to console fans of Twilight?
xoxoxox 
Trampire

Dear Trampire,

I think we all know what is in Kristen Stewart's near future: Derek Jeter.  The king of consoling lost hollywood starlets is applying his Yankee cologne, and making sure his signature, and might I add - disgusting, smile is good to go.  Pretty soon, she'll be a wreck at the hands of the infamous lady slayer.  Crying outside his apartment door while he's involved in a threesome with Minka Kelly and Miss Universe.  All she did was make out with some married guy who directed her in a movie...If you believe all they did was make out, I've got some information for you - they did everything.  All of it, and they did it backwards, upside down and with spotlights.  It's hollywood, that's what people do out there.  Trust me, I played for the Angels for a while, so I saw the behind the scenes action out there.  Two words sum it up: Sex Cocaine.   

I'd say her only chance to escape the Jeter trap is to go for AROD.  The problem there, is she needs to look more like Taylor Lautner than Taylor Swift.  

Trampire, I feel for that vampire guy, because aside from looking pale and sad he seems like an okay kind of guy for a British guy.  He has all his teeth, wears a baseball hat and died in a Harry Potter movie. (I'll always love you Cedric!)

'Dawg

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Beckett Worries About How His Butt Looks in Skinny Jeans

Mr. Dawg, Does Beckett just needs a cup of hot coco and a hug?
Beckett used to be "commander kickass" and throw 97 mph heat high and tight.  I remember one time when he made Ryan Howard cry in a spring training game and then hit a massive homerun in the next inning just to show he could do his job and Howard's job.  Now he's a soft tossing, fried chicken eating wuss.  Even worse he's transformed Jon Lester into some kind of Texas fairy who throws 87 mph cutters instead of heat.  I used to think Beckett was a tough guy, but now he's more worried about his few days off a year and how his butt looks in skinny jeans.  If they can unload this POS on some other team for a bag of baseballs and his rookie card, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I get the feeling he's a bad seed.  I hear the Rangers are looking for pitchers, too bad Beckett isn't one anymore. -D

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Did it Hurt THAT MUCH?


NATION,
Some players are as tough as nails. Others cry when their pink nail polish gets chipped.  AROD is a part of one of those two groups.  He has been known to eat glove, slap balls and cry when things don't go his way. He flexes in front of mirrors, dates women with bigger biceps than his own and spends more money on hair products than most third world nations spend on food.  I'm sure it hurts when you break a bone in your hand, but does it hurt as much as AROD leads us to believe?  I believe he suffers from hypersensitivity, or as Sully from Staughton calls it "soft wrists."
XXOO, Dawg
I'm off to London. Will be busy working for the next few weeks. Will try and liveblog the female gymnastics.  GO USA!!!! Hopefully connecting up with ShaBron's mother at some point. She's free at least.

ALSO-
MAILBAG!!
From loyal reader Chucky at Norway Novelties:
Jesus, I thought somebody had shot him in the nuts he was crying so hard.  Typical Yankee pussy.

From loyal reader MannysPS2:
Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahaha
AROD has NUTS?  I think he wouldn't even feel a crotch shot!

One of the interns from the college has a birthday today (23). Good working BB. I am giving you this. Enjoy she has served me well:


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Boom Boom Go to Bed

Dawg, What was better, Paul's 3, Rondo's slap pass, or me beating an old woman in a Wade jersey while coming back from the bar last night? Also, does Ray Allen need eyes to shoot free throws? -Shannon, Dorchester


Trixie, Listen, The Celtics are for real.  If you want to know my personal favorite play it was LaBron turtling after KG whacked his shot away to start a fast break.  Rajon Rondo? Giant balls of steel.  Paul Pierced hitting that shot in LeBronica's face - classic.  Pietrus finally hitting shots in the fourth quarter was also tremendous.   Beating a heat fan is wrong, but Dawg understands emotions run high and seeing a woman in a Wade shirt is the same as seeing Wade in a Wade shirt.  They both have vaginas and get beat by people from Boston. Ray Allen could make free throws without arms if he needed to. Do you know why LeBron's phone is always set to silent? That's right, just like LeBron, it has no ring. He should play hockey too, that sport has no 4th period.
I'll be here all week, try the roast beef. Thanks, Dawg