Christmas Tit-Tats, Don and the Bruins' Chances

Dawg,
I am a little late getting my wife something for Christmas. She is a huge Red Sox fan and she has breasts.

I was thinking about getting her a Red Sox tit-tat for the holidays. Is this a good gift for my lady?

She's from Southie so a tattoo seems appropriate? (and which boob?)

Also, are the Bruins going to win the Cup? -Larry, South Boston

Rick,

You guys going to that place on L Street? Tell them Dawg sent you and Jimmy will give you a free shamrock above your wife’s spandex whale tail.

Always remember Chuck, that tattoos are forever and no matter how much you can try surgery can never really undo what’s done in a South African shanty town parlor with two hookers, a razor, an ink pen and a half ounce of Korean opium.

You said you’re from Southie, right? Remember too that she’s your woman. Holiday gifts are optional as long as you're diggin’ out her mother’s parking space in the winter and saving it with an old record player or something. If all else fails, “forget” to wrap it up and give her a baby for Christmas. Women love babies, esp. during the holidays.

Right now, the Bs stand at 20-11-5. Not horrible but the not the kind of record you'd expect from a team with this much talent. The 2010 playoff collapse was an epic failure to say the least. If we see that kind of playoff result again this year, I’ll will most definitely kill a South American dictator out of pure spite, “too many men penalty” my ass.

However by then, the Sox will be 30-0 and I’ll be counting Wally Doll and sausage receipts into the millions.

In my mind, the Bruins have played too many games this year with a lackluster effort (see our last game against the Ducks). Maybe they need some drama/intensity to fire these guys up. Perhaps a locker room fight or two? Another two-week trip to Europe isn’t the answer this year. Who knows? Guys like Recchi, Chara, Seguin and others need to step up or play elsewhere. Maybe the Bs should ask Don to announce some games. Guy never shuts up about hockey.

However like Chicago proved, the regular season means little in hockey when the playoffs last a trimester. Teams that come in ready to play, healthy and streaking win Stanley Cups.

Have a happy and safe New Year everybody. -Dawg, left boob

Bobby Jenks, Girly Gripes and Tweets From the One and Oney

Dawg,

Is a man a pussy if he talks shit on Twitter like Oney Guillen? Should Bobby have tweeted back?

It used to be a man got mad face-to-face, but in this new age every Chris Brown is tweeting gripes from the comfort of his marble coated hot tub.

Teddy, if that's the case I have a few gripping tweets to tweet about Grady Little, Kobe Bryant, CC Fatbathia or even Lindsay Lohan not being in that Pornopic anymore about Linda Lovelace.

Also, is the Celtics’ season ovah? –O’Donnell in Weymouth

O’D,

When I was a young whippersnapper a twit was kind of a weakling or a British guy. As in "Get a load of that British twit wearing sandals at a baseball game." Now, it's something on my grandkid’s phone.

I have read some twits, and people tell me I have a Twitter account. Someone from my empire must maintain it, because I have no earthly idea what the hell it is. Seems like random people writing random things about their boring lives. Most of the people are losers, trying to get someone to retweet their idiotic thoughts.

Some people do things like this: #Gerbilinjetersass - and I don't get how that works either. They tell me it's a hash; again, hash was something totally different when Tedsicle was younger. Either it was something you ate at a truck stop or smoked with Butch Hobson in the restroom of the truck stop. Also, it's UnAmerican to complain or gripe about pornography. Give Lindsay a few months and you'll be seeing her beautiful ginger freckled sweater knobs on the screen before you can say Mean Girls.

A man is a wussy who gripes in a Tweet.

Bobby should have called Ozzie’s barber and bribed him to give the ol' manager a Hitlerstache like MJ. Now that would have #shushed Oney up quick.

The Cs will be fine. Once Rondo’s ankle reheals, he’ll come back to lead the team on another huge win streak. A couple of those streaks, Perkins gets out of his cheermoni suit and then the playoffs are here. A rested Garnett returns to the court to start pulling the cancer card on every role playing big man and Dawg is recounting his rings from the comfort of this cold, frozen mountain in Chechnya.

Have faith, be good and go Red Sox. -Dawg

Feel Bad for the Yankees?

Dawg,

On Saturday night I was in St. Brendan's in Dorchester lighting a candle for Rondo's ankle when I felt something on my arm. I 1st thought it was Father Mark looking for a hand job for old ties sake but as I turned I realized it was one of the Steinbrenner brothers, praying pitching. D, Should I feel bad for him? -Fitzy

Dear Sully,

It's good that you were in church, and because of your anecdote, I know you are a lying dick. First off, Father Mark doesn't touch adults. Secondly, I think it's pretty clear that the Steinbrenners don't "pray" to God. In fact, they have a family deal with Satan. Don't you worry about 'Lil Steins as I like to call them, they have all the money in the world (actually only 93.7% of all money) and will find someone to buy sooner or later. I think they can also call up one of their golden armed minor leaguers. I see one of their pitchers has been "lights out" in the Dominican Summer League, and those innings are almost exactly like facing major leqague competition. (That's called sarcasm, Sully). All I know for sure is that Andy Pettite can pretty much dictate the terms of his contract. If I were him, I'd fleece those fat inheritors until they end up scrubbing barnicles off boat bottoms to make ends meet. -'Dawg

Dan the Pedo and Kim Jong in a Bathrobe

Dawg,

Although I'm glad the Sox got another pen arm, this guy is a "pedo", right? Have you seen him? Is it just the beard?
Also, is it possible to induct an entire basketball team into the H.o.F. while they're still playing? -Murph in Leminstah

Sully,

First off, You can't judge a book by it's cover. But yeah, he's got that look. Remember he is from Warwick and they are all a little "off." I think it has something to do with the water or something.

But, I like what Wheeler brings to the table. He'll give you innings and has had solid numbers for years in the AL East. Think Timlin after he was a dominant closer but before he was a used up ragdoll. He makes the Sox BP that much deeper. If Lackett* gets it together even a little this year, the Sox will be dangerous. NBA - Yeah, I think there are 5 HOF players on the Celtics right now. They are one of the best teams I've ever seen. I'm so glad they are better than the Lebrons, because my heart couldn't take that.

I'm getting sick of stalking Kim Jong IL. He walks around in a bathrobe all day, and intermittently screams something crazy. Just like working the booth with Don I suppose. 'Dawg

Ow Ming

I see that filthy communist "Ow Ming" is all done for the year, and let's face it, career. It comes down to this: 8 foot tall people aren't made right. When they have the nobody over 5'8 rule implemented, look for the Dawg to get back to pro sports. It'll be the tight shorts era all over again.

Rembo

Lee to Philly

Nation,
I see the Yankees fans have something to be upset over. Getting the prized free agent during the winter meetings has become a yawner for Yankee fans. I half expect them to sign all stars to back up their all stars at this point. But this year, something crazy happened and Cliff Lee chose to go to the Phillies rather than the Yankees or Rangers. So, the Yankees are left dredging the scrap heap for a decent starter. This means AJ Burnett is their number four starter. I would feel uncomfortable having AJ Burnett be the number four bagger at Wal-mart. Sometimes he would bag your deeply discounted items just fine, but other times he would miss the bag altogether, and would frighten kids with his horrendous tattoos and overall psycho-ness.

Now, the Yankee fans turn to "insane trade" mode, where they wonder why Felix Hernandez, Chris Carpenter and Cole Hamels don't just show up gift wrapped for a couple of low level, never gonna make it prospects. Sorry folks, it just doesn't work that way.

It is a lovely off season for the Red Sox. Nabbing Gonzalez, sneaking up on Crawford...and all they need now is a few arms for the middle of the bullpen. We can all kick back (in my case in a frigid foxhole in North China) and revel in the Yankees pathetic attempts to match the Sox off season.

'Dawg

Carl Crawford

Nation,

Late last night, a friend sent me a telegram (that's the only way I can communicate in the mountains here in North Korea) and asked what I thought about CC. Well, of course my first thought was that CC FatSlobbathia had a stroke or heart attack due to eating doughnuts and pizzas all day. I was glad to realize that CC is fine (I think, for now), and my friend was referring to Carl Crawford. As a guy who has spent a long time hating Crawford for his amazing skill set and penchant for sinking the Sox in so many different ways, I am sooo happy. Seven years of this guy in LF? Yes please. If he's not doing it with the bat, he can run like a deer, throw like Dewey and catch a fly ball like my main man, Otis Nixon, who as far as I can tell lived on crack and oxygen.. Thank you Theo, even though I'm in a frigid mountain setting, tracking troop movements this warmed my heart like whiskey, only without the vomiting on myself. MerryYankeekillingSeason!'Dawg