Dawg and the Dunkies

Dawg,
The other day as I was entering the doughnut shop (guess which one), I nearly bumped into Tim Wakefield as I was walking in. As the moment in time slowly froze, I saw Tim throw his used napkin and empty iced coffee lattechinio cup into the garbage. After he left I waited and fished out the goods. My question RD is what to do with them now? Should I:

1) 1) Donate them item to the Hall of Fame, 2) Have an Ebay auction and then donate the proceeds to the Jimmy Find, or, 3) Attempt to glean Tim’s DNA from the items in the hope that Theo’s grandson can clone him in 2065?

Also RD, sorry things didn’t work out in Iran. Working on any other coups this week? -Skippy

Skippy (If that is your real name),

Obviously, Theo already has DNA from each player on the Sox for the exact purpose you mentioned in your question. And I know you are either working for the government of Turkey OR the Steinbrenners because Wakefield wouldn't touch an iced lattechino, he's a "Coffee, Black" kind of guy. Also, how the hell do you know about Iran and what went down there? That is classified information. Whatever kind of Taliban style chicanery you're up to, I'm on to you Skippy, and guess what? I have your DNA because you were dumb enough to lick the envelope. So, when you are snug in your bed and you feel a little moisture on your lips, it's not from a tender kiss from your wife, it's the R-Dawg suspended from your ceiling dripping liquid mercury into your stupid mouth, watching you gasp your last cold, dying breath.
If I'm wrong - sell them on EBAY, people will buy anything from the Sox. I used to make a killing off of used Nelson de la Rosa diapers.
XOXOXO,