The Truth About David

Dawg,

Is it true? Is David a cheater? –Fitzy, Barrington

Fitz,

I’ve spent the last week in a North Korean safe house trying to find a way out of this god forsaken country.’ Bamer wanted an old bottle of gin out of Kim’s Jon Il’s legendary wine cellar. Needless to say, our ops team lost focus. Donny and Kill (both from Brockton) decided to go exploring and things got a little dicey went Kim’s son found me and the two Navy Seals going through the Olsen Twins section of his DVD collection with a bottle of 1964 Grey Goose and six cartons of the finest counterfeit Marlboros money can buy. I barely made it out of Kim’s palace with my mustache and smokes.

Regarding David, I think it’s ridiculous to think that he was ever on steroids. Completely ridiculous.

1) Since 2003, I’ve been monitoring David’s diet and exercise regimen. Theo, John and I agreed this was best for the team. Ortiz has been hitting Gym America, running .5 to .75 miles per day, consuming 12-14 Remdogs per day, studying, living clean and working his ass off in the gym some more. That’s why he’s so damn good. Also, in the rare case where David has slipped out from under my vigilant guidance, Heidi assures me that his testicles are very large and in fine working order.

2) Why would a man who so vehemently bashed other steroid users in the past have taken them himself? This makes no sense. A player would have to be an idiot to demand a 1 year game ban for the 1^st offense and ‘roid it up. A total idiot.

3) It’s entirely possible to be Jeremy Giambi’s back-up at the beginning of a season and have 100 RBIs at the end. This is America.

4) Manny Alexander doesn’t live here any more. If he did, he’d tell you ‘roids are perfectly legal in the DR, so if Dave took anything that’s banned, he did it in a 3^rd world country where the only rule is, “don’t get caught.” (and boil your toilet water before drinking). No rules broken, H.o.F. ballot please…

5) My son Jared does not take ‘roids and is not connected to David in any way. His trainer and Jar just swapped mixture ideas, that’s all. I will commenting more on Jar later in the week.

Opps. That’s my flare. We need to be on the roof for the ‘copter in 30 seconds. Will write more this week Nation!! Go Sox.