They Did It Backwards

Dear Dawg,

I'm sooo upset over Rob and Kristen breaking up.  Is there anything you can say to console fans of Twilight?
xoxoxox 
Trampire

Dear Trampire,

I think we all know what is in Kristen Stewart's near future: Derek Jeter.  The king of consoling lost hollywood starlets is applying his Yankee cologne, and making sure his signature, and might I add - disgusting, smile is good to go.  Pretty soon, she'll be a wreck at the hands of the infamous lady slayer.  Crying outside his apartment door while he's involved in a threesome with Minka Kelly and Miss Universe.  All she did was make out with some married guy who directed her in a movie...If you believe all they did was make out, I've got some information for you - they did everything.  All of it, and they did it backwards, upside down and with spotlights.  It's hollywood, that's what people do out there.  Trust me, I played for the Angels for a while, so I saw the behind the scenes action out there.  Two words sum it up: Sex Cocaine.   

I'd say her only chance to escape the Jeter trap is to go for AROD.  The problem there, is she needs to look more like Taylor Lautner than Taylor Swift.  

Trampire, I feel for that vampire guy, because aside from looking pale and sad he seems like an okay kind of guy for a British guy.  He has all his teeth, wears a baseball hat and died in a Harry Potter movie. (I'll always love you Cedric!)

'Dawg