People Need Laughter Like I Need Coke and Pornwhores -Sheen

(Sheen Family Cat)

Fans, More words from Charlie. Pray for our friend. -Dawg

Dear Diary,

I have suffered for too long under the watchful eyes of the rehab nazis. Four full days without any of the things I need to live a productive life. I'm like the Gandhi of cocaine.

First of all, without Charlie, the most successful sitcom on television is in hiatus. People need laughter as much as I need cocaine and pornwhores. For the sake of our culture, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the many. Can you imagine that show with just John Cryer? Right: Unwatchable. Nobody wants to see a gay guy playing a straight guy acting like a gay guy. They want Charlie, with the chicks, the booze, the porn stars and most importantly, the ratings. Like my coke dealer once said: Life imitates art.

So I am going to rehab at home. And by rehab I mean I will be back to normal but my publicists (all getting raises) will tell you I am clean. I have a lot of work on the set and off to do in the coming weeks. It takes a logistical genius to plan for a pornhouse AND read ten bad lines a week for a tv show. This kind of work can't be done from inside the gulag of rehab. (The linens were only 200 thread count, my ass is chapped).

Also, I am a loving father who has children who need me to arrange childcare. I've carefully selected a diverse array of child-like pornstars (all under 100 lbs) so the kids have excellent role models, and someone who they can see eye to eye with, as well as service my needs as a sexually active Hollywood celebrity. If nothing else, I am efficient.

I actually never went to rehab this week. My last diary entry was written either by a coked up gerbil or Kacey Jordan, I’m not too sure. They’re both about the same size and, at the time, it was hard to tell who was who because I had smoked a lot of coke. Can't believe that rodent made it all the way to my hiatal.

So don't worry about me. I am hunkered down with my liquor, blow, porn stars, handy whips and three gallons of lube. I will be bringing the comedy to you shortly, and life as we all know it will be restored to pre-rehab levels. -Charles