Back to the Booth

Dear Dawg,

Are the Sawx gonna take it all this yeah? -Sully in Brookline

Sully, I know the Sox look pretty darned good on paper. On paper this team reminds me a lot of the '78 team, which as we all know did not work out to well for the Sox. BUT, they are stacked like a Ukranian Nurse in Qaddafi's bunker. Pitching depth, hitting, guys coming off the bench who can run, hit and field. They have guys in AAA that would have made any other team in baseball for even more depth. It seems like "Boy Wonder" Theo built a winner. Of course, there are all kinds of injuries that can ruin a season. One bad foul ball or collision can ruin a team. That said, this is the best assembly of talent this Dawg has seen in a while. I think, therefore my answer is yes. Go ahead and bet the house, the kids, the car - bet it all on the Sox.

Gotta run and fetch Don from his tanning booth so we don't miss the flight to Arlington. He sleeps in one now, he says combining sleep with tanning is the most efficient way to get that deep orange glow he loves so much.XOXOX'Dawg

Derek Jeter and Friend

It's About That Time

Dawg, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem:

-Rob, Danvers, MA

Bob,

Good question. I've spent the past several days in Yemen studying rebel movements and etching a stone likeness of Carl Crawford's swing on a cave wall. The people have been quite gracious here and in my free time, I've been instructing them how to make Remdogs out of fried burka strips and camel spider dung.

I believe the answer to your question is 11. It's been a while since I've done quantum physics but since the Sox have a few new big bats, your question reminds me that I'd better dust off my copy of Shankar's Principles of Quantum Mechanics and put the opium pipe down.

With any deep sciency question regarding space and time, your default answer should always be Miranda Kerr.

I hope this helped. The CIA is chartering me a flight out of here to Frankfurt Airbase and then on to Arlington, TX. It's about that time. Go Sox. -D

Papelbon

Elizabeth Taylor

Dawg,

Did you hear about Elizabeth Taylor? Did she ever lay with the Dawg? Look at the gams!

Larry F, Los Angeles

Dear Larry,

Back in the day, when I was hanging out with Frank and Dean, it just so happens I did invite a much younger Liz Taylor back to my hotel room. Sure I was 18 and she was 35, but the Dawg has always had a way with women. She was looking more like Cleopatra in those days, rather than Moby Dick back when I was with her. She had just dumped Richard Burton for the tenth time and was looking for a rebound. She was all class. All about charity, giving and even pretending to be like Michael Jackson, if it meant getting money to her charities. I have nothing but respect for that lady. Whenever one of Dawg's ladies pass, there's a moment of sadness, followed by a liter of scotch and a few pills. Since Lady Liz was a pill lover herself, I double dosed before falling asleep to My Way.

RIP LIZ.

XOXOXOX

Dawg

Gaddafi has a 50/50 Chance of Living Out the Week

Dawg,

As I'm sure you are on the ground there, can you tell me WTF is going on in Libya? I thought W Jr. made sure Gaddfi was friends with the U.S. now. Shouldn't we be focused on the 2 wars and 2 earthquakes we're already in? -Tiki, NY

Dear Mickey,

I can tell you this, it's a major clusterfuck. It's really hard to tell who's dropping what bombs where. They all say "Made in the USA" on them in bold print, and are falling from the sky. If I had to handicap it now, I'd say Gaddafi has about a 50/50 chance of living out the week. I have been tracking him though and he seems to have an affinity for Busty Ukranian nurses who are under 25. Not sure what that's all about, so I had to sample the nurse for myself, and let's just say that whatever pain he's in, she can take them away.

I'm having trouble telling the rebels from the loyalists, as they all look like Merloni if he didn't shave or shower for a month. It's like the black friday sale at Walmart, only slightly less deadly.

My advice - stay out of the Middle East and North Africa until this crap shakes out. -'Dawg

Modern Day Players Are Just Wussies

Dear Dawg,

I saw the Red Sox beat the Yankees last night. Do you think that's an omen for the season or just a goofy spring game in March? Moammar in Tripoli

Dear Moammar,

When I played, Spring Training was a time to reaquaint yourself with the lifestyle of a ball player. You need to get yourself in shape, and ready for the grueling long haul of the season. That meant drinking: Morning, noon and night. We didn't have natural energy drinks, the clear, the cream and whatever else science gave these guys to make it through a season. We had amphetamines, beer and loose women to get us through the 'Dawg Days of summer. We didn't have all the trainers and nutritionists around that these guys have now. We had Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth as role models who both indulged in everything they could get their hands on and turned out to be pretty decent ball players.

Can you imagine if Mickey Mantle was sober and not a womanizer? He'd have hit .220 and had fourteen homeruns a year. The Babe would have been a light hitting second baseman, if not for Hot Dogs and Harlots. I think today's players would be wise to look back at their predecessors. They'd probably look like fat slobs, and run like them, but they'd be larger than life super heroes instead of boring, protein powder eating pussies who crawl into hyperbaric chambers for sprained ankles and bruises on their vaginas. By the way, 'Dawg's spring training routine remains the same. 'Dawg

Pray for Japan

Dear Dawg,

I know Spring Training has started and you're in Florida, but have you heard about Japan? Crazy huh?

Daisuke in Tokyo

Dear Daisuke,

Have no fear, Dawg is near. When I heard about the earthquake I was horrified. All those young promiscuous women's very existence threatened? No way, so I'm in Japan now, sifting through the rubble, looking for signs of sexy life. I suppose I'll save anyone, but the real tragedy here is Japanese School Girls being injured. What would Asian Fetishists do if that population was wiped out? Absolutely horrific thought. Plus, the idea of losing anime porn forever disgusts me to my very core.

Seriously, pray for Japan, send good kharma or whatever it is you do to summon the big guy upstairs to help those folks. 'Dawg

Timberlake Finds Something New to Wash His Face With

Thanks God