Pitching "Depth"

Dear Dawg,
WTF is going on with the pitchers and Tito? He seems to have a new one every day.
Anthony

Dear Anthony,
Just this week we've seen Tazawa, Cabrera, Traber...and who knows who else? I hear Hideki Irabu is looking for work, and if the Sox are looking to get fatter and more Japanese, that would be the way to go. If they are looking for the hot wife type pitcher, Irabu's teammate is Jose Lima, and I think we all remember Jose Lima's wife. (moment of silence)
Okay, I've got my breath back.

Look, when you use 14 pitchers every night against the Yankees, you are going to have to go deep into the well to get arms that aren't pure jelly. Manny and Ramon can't sign their checks their arms are so sore. The other day, I overheard Okajima saying he needed one fo those "Happy Ending" massages for his shoulder - though I'm not entirely sure his grasp of the language is crossing some wires there...I'm half expecting to see Jeff Reardon, Heathcliff Slocum or Ramiro Mendoza to come through that door, knowing Theo, I wouldn't be surprised.

I wish I had more answer for you, but the connection in the Congo is not very strong.

Hugs,
'Dawg

Smoltz's Secret

RD,

Can you explain why Tito started a pitcher who was born in the 50s against the Yanks in such an important series? How's Libya?

Dear Vincent,

Smoltz was actually intentionally bad for the Red Sox. He needed to be released so he could be on assignment with me here in Libya. We are tracking a new warlord here and I need someone who can throw a grenade 88 feet and then have it drastically drop off (like a 12-6 curve) into his rabbit hole. Pedro was supposed to do it, but he decided another jaunt in the majors was worth more to him than defending liberty and freedom. John Smoltz was willing to sacrifice the end of his career AND the Red Sox season in order to get his release so he could strike the terrorists where they live. Thanks John.
He's here with me now, cleaning his dentures and polishing his head.

XOXOXOX
'Dawg

The Truth About David

Dawg,

Is it true? Is David a cheater? –Fitzy, Barrington

Fitz,

I’ve spent the last week in a North Korean safe house trying to find a way out of this god forsaken country.’ Bamer wanted an old bottle of gin out of Kim’s Jon Il’s legendary wine cellar. Needless to say, our ops team lost focus. Donny and Kill (both from Brockton) decided to go exploring and things got a little dicey went Kim’s son found me and the two Navy Seals going through the Olsen Twins section of his DVD collection with a bottle of 1964 Grey Goose and six cartons of the finest counterfeit Marlboros money can buy. I barely made it out of Kim’s palace with my mustache and smokes.

Regarding David, I think it’s ridiculous to think that he was ever on steroids. Completely ridiculous.

1) Since 2003, I’ve been monitoring David’s diet and exercise regimen. Theo, John and I agreed this was best for the team. Ortiz has been hitting Gym America, running .5 to .75 miles per day, consuming 12-14 Remdogs per day, studying, living clean and working his ass off in the gym some more. That’s why he’s so damn good. Also, in the rare case where David has slipped out from under my vigilant guidance, Heidi assures me that his testicles are very large and in fine working order.

2) Why would a man who so vehemently bashed other steroid users in the past have taken them himself? This makes no sense. A player would have to be an idiot to demand a 1 year game ban for the 1^st offense and ‘roid it up. A total idiot.

3) It’s entirely possible to be Jeremy Giambi’s back-up at the beginning of a season and have 100 RBIs at the end. This is America.

4) Manny Alexander doesn’t live here any more. If he did, he’d tell you ‘roids are perfectly legal in the DR, so if Dave took anything that’s banned, he did it in a 3^rd world country where the only rule is, “don’t get caught.” (and boil your toilet water before drinking). No rules broken, H.o.F. ballot please…

5) My son Jared does not take ‘roids and is not connected to David in any way. His trainer and Jar just swapped mixture ideas, that’s all. I will commenting more on Jar later in the week.

Opps. That’s my flare. We need to be on the roof for the ‘copter in 30 seconds. Will write more this week Nation!! Go Sox.