Philly, Home of America's Cheapest Hand-Job

Dawg, 
Is Philly still the best place in American to get a hand-job from a homeless dude for the price of a crack rock? Is Josh washed up? Dirk, Boston

Dear Joshie,

Philly is home to a broken 300 year old liberty bell, feces infested steak sandwiches and, it's true, the cheapest gay handjob available in our great country.  I can't wait to see the Celtics crush the sixers - as it is now, was in the beginning and ever shall be - bank on it.

Hopefully the boo birds will motivate Beckett to get his fat Texas ass in gear.  I am outfitting a helmet with a pole, string and beer can attachment to motivate him.  It's still in beta testing but we believe that with beercouragement, Beckett will be back to his dominant self.  the other option is to let he, Lackey and Buchholz hold a round robin Russian roulette tournament.  That's what I call a win-win-win.

Also, I love you KG. -Dawg

(Beckett in 3 months)

(I'm shagging this one next weekend, she keeps callin' me)

Hunger Games

LeBron's Mom

Dawg, 
I know you've had a lot of women. Have you ever tapped LeBron's mom? Justin, Southy

Dustin, 
A lot is a huge understatement, but I do not believe Mrs. LeBron (LeBronica?) and I have done the deed.  She's about 30 years too old for the Dawg.  It takes a young filly to satisfy this old Stallion. Just because half the NBA has tapped that, doesn't mean the Dawg has been there, done that.  


I don't know if you've noticed but I've been "sick" with a sinus infection for about a month now.  Any idiot who buys that I have a sinus infection has never been to cocaine rehab before.  Now, I'm not saying I am in cocaine rehab, but why else would I miss this awesome Red Sox season that is unfolding before us? I mean who doesn't want to watch Fat Labers give up massive home runs to lose games.  You can't see that crap in rehab.  Don't worry, I'll be back soon, stronger, smarter and less likely to fall off the wagon. 

Hugs, not drugs (for now).

Dawg

Dawg, 
I know he tore his ACL but the way he looked writhing on the ground, it seemed like Mo got snipped by Sirhan Sirhan. How did you do it Dawg? Will the Yankees be ok? -John, North Haven


J, 
The Dawg has never been a fan of any Yankee, any ex-yankee, any family member (distant relatives count) or fans of those assholes in Pinstripes.  Did you know they came out with Yankee cologne and perfume this year?  It smells like the Men's room at Old Yankee Stadium on $1.00 beer night during a janitor's strike.  I have to admit to fantasizing about razor blading Mariano's achilles when I was in an elevator with him several years back.  In fact, I had my hand on a knife and was salivating over that stick-like chicken leg, thinking I could end his career in a nano second and be on my merry way, the savior of Redsox Nation.

I must also admit to making fun of Mariano when he electrified his swimming pool and a few family members became Rivera Flambe when they mistakingly jumped into his private, not to be touched by other humans, swimming pool.  I mean, that was a dick move, no?

All that said, of the yankees I have watched over the years Mariano is most definitely the most talented and likable of the lot.  He's a class act and the best relief pitcher of all time (apologies to Mark Clear).

But to answer your question, bleachers, straw in drink is actually a dart gun, dart is actually a microbe that eats away at cartilage.  Two shots, one to the MCL, one to the ACL for good measure.  Career OVAH.

'Dawg

Dawg shagged this last Thursday. I may call her again. She was a good cuddler.

By any other injury would smell as sweet.

I Wouldn't Trust Him to Sell Tacos

Dawg,

I knew going into the season that Valentine was an egotistical jerk, but I thought he was supposed to be a good in game manager. So far he has kept Bard and Morales in way past their expiration date.  When is Tito coming back? -Worried in Worcester

Worried, 

Although it may seem like I’ve been calling games since 1^st pitch this year, I’ve been away helping the president get ready for a trip to Columbia (it looks like he won’t be needing me for a while though so I'm back). 

That’s actually been my robot double in the booth constructed of Wally innards, old sausages and Don’s empty tanning bottles. Don has no idea. Pretty good imitation, right? The front office told Don his old bottle collection had to "moved" to make room for a moustache collection. 

At this point Mr. Valentine couldn't scrub the wax off Tito’s forehead, who must be laughing somewhere under a waitresses skirt right now. The Red Sox are terrible and the rest of baseball knows it. The Sox ownership has made a huge mistake in bringing in a man who can’t manage a simple game. Take away the Tampa series and this is the worst team in the game. At this point, I don’t think I’d trust Bobby to sell tacos out of the trunk of my car.

Can’t wait for the Yanks this weekend, let’s hope Granderson is particularly susceptible to soft starting pitching and a weak bullpen. But have no fear nation, I think this team will eventually thrive despite this moron. Who knows, maybe he's even gone by the break? We'll always have the Olympics and these two.

Dawg,
The 1st time I ever seen someone smoke weed was in the bleachers at Fenway Park. I also saw a man get his head slammed into a concrete wall in the grandstands during a Yankees/Red Sox game. Will events like these be included in the Fentenial celebration this year? -Milt, Milton MA


Dear Milt,

I do not believe they will be highlighting those finer points.  Did you know that 13 babies have been born in Fenway? 312 deaths?  I'm pretty sure there's been a lot of fornication (not even counting Oil Can) because watching the sox stirs up certain feelings in men.  I wonder how many Yankee fan corpses have been found hidden in Fenway?  Not enough is the correct answer.  Sorry Milt, our highlights are their low lights. (All numbers have been made up because Dawg doesn't have time to do actual research). -D

Sox Sweep Those Bitches Away: Sox "improve" to 4-5. Happy Jackie Robinson Day

Sexual Thumb Related Accident

Dawg, Did Josh hurt his thumb opening a beer or eating a chicken leg? -Concerned in CT

CT, No, I do not believe this was a chicken/beer related incident.  I'm also hoping this isn't some thumb plague or a sexual thumb related accident.  Remember, 'Dawg has been all around this great world and has seen some seriously perverted crap. I think it's just a result of the Sox doing so well in Spring Training that they have been giving the thumbs up way too much.  Just be grateful that it wasn't a high five related accident, a butt slapping mishap or the nearly always sometimes sort of fatal trampoline disaster.  

Remember to keep your thumbs out of holes they don't belong in...-'Dawg

I KNEW IT

Jumping Joba and Happy Endings

Dawg, Although the NY Knicks season is now over, shouldn't an asian "masseuse" be able to fix a buldging disc?

Dear Mass-oose,
Unfortunately no massage that I know of will actually cure a bulging disc.  However, a 19 year old Asian masseuse could make Amare's endings so happy that he won't give a frog's fat ass about his back.

As for Joba, a lot of you have asked if a pro athlete should be jumping on a trampoline with his kid. I mean, why not?  Aside from weighing 400 pounds and killing any children that he may have come in contact with and possibly ending his career - why shouldn't he?  Imagine if Mo Rivera was there with him and Joba was on the opposite end of the trampoline, I'm pretty sure Mo would be orbiting the planet by now. In fact, Mo would be propelled upwards at twice the speed of sound due to the immensity of Joba's girth.  Children will be studying this physics hypothesis for years to come.

Happy to help with your medical questions!

Dr. 'Dawg

Cream of Ass?

Dawg, What kind of cream is Andy rubbing on his ass to make this happen? -Sully

Hi All,

Some of you may not know that I do some side work for the government and as part of my work I am exposed to a lot of different medications to make us stronger, faster, bullet proof able to fly and sometimes might even give us x-ray vision.  It has come to my attention that 54 year old Andy Pettitte is making a comeback with the Yankees.  Some of you remember Pet-it from his steroid using ass getting caught.  Of course, he also took a little time to throw his best friend, Roger Clemens under the bus on his way out.  Now, after spending time with his family, who must be real assholes by the way, Pettite is coming back to the Yankees.  I imagine that Andy had to do some soul searching, or he decided he hates his kids and his wife is starting to look ugly...Whatever it was, he's coming back.  Apparently he's throwing 99mph and doesn't need any days off in between starts either.  I'm not implying that he used his time away from baseball to inject himself with Horse Steroids...But, I mean, he did right?
I'm sure "Andy's Journey" is inspiring other recently (and not so recently) athletes to consider a come back.

All I know is, I saw Eck in the NESN bathroom with a needle hanging out of his hairy ass...

Dawg

Dawg, I'm worried about Clooney spending time in prison after being arrested today while protesting some country I never heard of called Sudan. Also, what's the deal with Crawford's wrist?  -Worried in Worcester

Dear Worried,

Yeah, looking like he does, he'd be in big trouble in the clink if he went to normal people prison.  However, celebrities like George Clooney, Butch Hobson and Don Orsillo go to special prison with their own iPads, large screen tv's and 24 hr servants.  If they let a sweetheart like Clooney into standard lock up, he'd cause a riot between suitors fighting for his womanly services.  Let's just say he'd have more than salt and pepper in his hair before his time was up.

Crawford is "nearly ready to hit" according to Bobby V.  So I guess he'll be in the lineup just in time for June 31st...unless they want to hold him back for the All Star Break, so maybe late August, just in time for the playoff run.  It will be really hard to replace that .255 average in the lineup and tremendous one-hop defensive skills we saw last year.  I'm starting to think Crawford is possibly a Buddhist since he's afraid of injuring a baseball - he doesn't want to hit it with his bat or catch it with his glove.  He's also sure not to throw it too hard from the outfield, as it might have a panic attack on its way into the infield. 

Seriously? I think he'll be ready by May, and will finally put up some decent numbers. 

Hugs,
Dawg

Throwing a Puppies Down a Well

Dawg, Can you tell me why thinking about the Red Sox dugout makes me want to throw a puppy down a well?

Listen,

Bullpens are like a hooker's private parts, you never know what you're going to get when you pull down those trousers.  It could be Bridgeport at low tide or a beautiful spring morning in the Alps.  Seeing that the Red Sox signed 48 pitchers to compete for the fifth spot, I figure Ben is thinking he can just plug a few of the losers into the bullpen.  It's a little scary to take Bard and Aceves out of the bullpen seeing that they were the only two pitchers worth a shit last year in close/tight games.  I think Melancon is going to be very good, I also think as long as Bailey's arm isn't Swiss Cheese by May, he'll be a good closer...but that's a big if. 
. 
There's a few of the regulars like Fat Albers, Old Man Atchison and Franklin "Wild Thing" Morales. Let's just say that motley crew aren't inspiring a lot confidence. Maybe a guy like Bowden or Miller will finally step up and get somebody out, but I wouldn't count those chickens hatching either. 

On second thought, it's low tide in Bridgeport:
Go ahead and fire that mutt down the well... -Dawg

   

"Arab Spring" = "RemDawg Spring"

Dawg, Is spraining your foot on the stairs baseball code for kicking a Mexican stripper in the face?

Also, we all know you've been busy messing with Bashar Al-Assad this winter. You going to be back in the booth in time for Detroit? Jim, Pembroke

Listen Tim, 

These pampered players who miss three weeks with a raspberry on their thigh are now lugging boxes up stairs?  Back in the day, Steinbrenner's Yankees were well cared for.  He had no fewer than 4 amazonian hookers on call to help his players move.  Derek Jeter doesn't even carry his own wallet, and Mo physically can't carry his own wallet.  I think the Big Stein's kids are shrinking the payroll and pretty soon the Yankees will be taking a bus to Cleveland. 

Let's just say "Arab Spring" could have been called "RemDawg Spring" It was a good year in the CIA super secret spy business.  We finally got to analize Khaddafi with a bayonet and don't think that creep from Egypt hasn't been handed the slipperiest bar of soap in the clink.  If I were Bashar Al-Assad, I would get "Ass" out of my name real quick, because I'm sure there's a 350 pound inmate named Leon who is counting the days before he can tear that exotic skinny boy up.  He will put the Bash Ass in Bashar Al-Assad.

Okay Gotta run, some Yemeni douchenozzle needs my eyes on him. Here We Go Red Sox.

Hugs,

Dawg