I KNEW IT

Jumping Joba and Happy Endings

Dawg, Although the NY Knicks season is now over, shouldn't an asian "masseuse" be able to fix a buldging disc?

Dear Mass-oose,
Unfortunately no massage that I know of will actually cure a bulging disc.  However, a 19 year old Asian masseuse could make Amare's endings so happy that he won't give a frog's fat ass about his back.

As for Joba, a lot of you have asked if a pro athlete should be jumping on a trampoline with his kid. I mean, why not?  Aside from weighing 400 pounds and killing any children that he may have come in contact with and possibly ending his career - why shouldn't he?  Imagine if Mo Rivera was there with him and Joba was on the opposite end of the trampoline, I'm pretty sure Mo would be orbiting the planet by now. In fact, Mo would be propelled upwards at twice the speed of sound due to the immensity of Joba's girth.  Children will be studying this physics hypothesis for years to come.

Happy to help with your medical questions!

Dr. 'Dawg

Cream of Ass?

Dawg, What kind of cream is Andy rubbing on his ass to make this happen? -Sully

Hi All,

Some of you may not know that I do some side work for the government and as part of my work I am exposed to a lot of different medications to make us stronger, faster, bullet proof able to fly and sometimes might even give us x-ray vision.  It has come to my attention that 54 year old Andy Pettitte is making a comeback with the Yankees.  Some of you remember Pet-it from his steroid using ass getting caught.  Of course, he also took a little time to throw his best friend, Roger Clemens under the bus on his way out.  Now, after spending time with his family, who must be real assholes by the way, Pettite is coming back to the Yankees.  I imagine that Andy had to do some soul searching, or he decided he hates his kids and his wife is starting to look ugly...Whatever it was, he's coming back.  Apparently he's throwing 99mph and doesn't need any days off in between starts either.  I'm not implying that he used his time away from baseball to inject himself with Horse Steroids...But, I mean, he did right?
I'm sure "Andy's Journey" is inspiring other recently (and not so recently) athletes to consider a come back.

All I know is, I saw Eck in the NESN bathroom with a needle hanging out of his hairy ass...

Dawg

Dawg, I'm worried about Clooney spending time in prison after being arrested today while protesting some country I never heard of called Sudan. Also, what's the deal with Crawford's wrist?  -Worried in Worcester

Dear Worried,

Yeah, looking like he does, he'd be in big trouble in the clink if he went to normal people prison.  However, celebrities like George Clooney, Butch Hobson and Don Orsillo go to special prison with their own iPads, large screen tv's and 24 hr servants.  If they let a sweetheart like Clooney into standard lock up, he'd cause a riot between suitors fighting for his womanly services.  Let's just say he'd have more than salt and pepper in his hair before his time was up.

Crawford is "nearly ready to hit" according to Bobby V.  So I guess he'll be in the lineup just in time for June 31st...unless they want to hold him back for the All Star Break, so maybe late August, just in time for the playoff run.  It will be really hard to replace that .255 average in the lineup and tremendous one-hop defensive skills we saw last year.  I'm starting to think Crawford is possibly a Buddhist since he's afraid of injuring a baseball - he doesn't want to hit it with his bat or catch it with his glove.  He's also sure not to throw it too hard from the outfield, as it might have a panic attack on its way into the infield. 

Seriously? I think he'll be ready by May, and will finally put up some decent numbers. 

Hugs,
Dawg

Throwing a Puppies Down a Well

Dawg, Can you tell me why thinking about the Red Sox dugout makes me want to throw a puppy down a well?

Listen,

Bullpens are like a hooker's private parts, you never know what you're going to get when you pull down those trousers.  It could be Bridgeport at low tide or a beautiful spring morning in the Alps.  Seeing that the Red Sox signed 48 pitchers to compete for the fifth spot, I figure Ben is thinking he can just plug a few of the losers into the bullpen.  It's a little scary to take Bard and Aceves out of the bullpen seeing that they were the only two pitchers worth a shit last year in close/tight games.  I think Melancon is going to be very good, I also think as long as Bailey's arm isn't Swiss Cheese by May, he'll be a good closer...but that's a big if. 
. 
There's a few of the regulars like Fat Albers, Old Man Atchison and Franklin "Wild Thing" Morales. Let's just say that motley crew aren't inspiring a lot confidence. Maybe a guy like Bowden or Miller will finally step up and get somebody out, but I wouldn't count those chickens hatching either. 

On second thought, it's low tide in Bridgeport:
Go ahead and fire that mutt down the well... -Dawg

   

"Arab Spring" = "RemDawg Spring"

Dawg, Is spraining your foot on the stairs baseball code for kicking a Mexican stripper in the face?

Also, we all know you've been busy messing with Bashar Al-Assad this winter. You going to be back in the booth in time for Detroit? Jim, Pembroke

Listen Tim, 

These pampered players who miss three weeks with a raspberry on their thigh are now lugging boxes up stairs?  Back in the day, Steinbrenner's Yankees were well cared for.  He had no fewer than 4 amazonian hookers on call to help his players move.  Derek Jeter doesn't even carry his own wallet, and Mo physically can't carry his own wallet.  I think the Big Stein's kids are shrinking the payroll and pretty soon the Yankees will be taking a bus to Cleveland. 

Let's just say "Arab Spring" could have been called "RemDawg Spring" It was a good year in the CIA super secret spy business.  We finally got to analize Khaddafi with a bayonet and don't think that creep from Egypt hasn't been handed the slipperiest bar of soap in the clink.  If I were Bashar Al-Assad, I would get "Ass" out of my name real quick, because I'm sure there's a 350 pound inmate named Leon who is counting the days before he can tear that exotic skinny boy up.  He will put the Bash Ass in Bashar Al-Assad.

Okay Gotta run, some Yemeni douchenozzle needs my eyes on him. Here We Go Red Sox.

Hugs,

Dawg