Back to the Booth

Dear Dawg,

Are the Sawx gonna take it all this yeah? -Sully in Brookline

Sully, I know the Sox look pretty darned good on paper. On paper this team reminds me a lot of the '78 team, which as we all know did not work out to well for the Sox. BUT, they are stacked like a Ukranian Nurse in Qaddafi's bunker. Pitching depth, hitting, guys coming off the bench who can run, hit and field. They have guys in AAA that would have made any other team in baseball for even more depth. It seems like "Boy Wonder" Theo built a winner. Of course, there are all kinds of injuries that can ruin a season. One bad foul ball or collision can ruin a team. That said, this is the best assembly of talent this Dawg has seen in a while. I think, therefore my answer is yes. Go ahead and bet the house, the kids, the car - bet it all on the Sox.

Gotta run and fetch Don from his tanning booth so we don't miss the flight to Arlington. He sleeps in one now, he says combining sleep with tanning is the most efficient way to get that deep orange glow he loves so much.XOXOX'Dawg

Derek Jeter and Friend

It's About That Time

Dawg, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem:

-Rob, Danvers, MA

Bob,

Good question. I've spent the past several days in Yemen studying rebel movements and etching a stone likeness of Carl Crawford's swing on a cave wall. The people have been quite gracious here and in my free time, I've been instructing them how to make Remdogs out of fried burka strips and camel spider dung.

I believe the answer to your question is 11. It's been a while since I've done quantum physics but since the Sox have a few new big bats, your question reminds me that I'd better dust off my copy of Shankar's Principles of Quantum Mechanics and put the opium pipe down.

With any deep sciency question regarding space and time, your default answer should always be Miranda Kerr.

I hope this helped. The CIA is chartering me a flight out of here to Frankfurt Airbase and then on to Arlington, TX. It's about that time. Go Sox. -D

Papelbon

Elizabeth Taylor

Dawg,

Did you hear about Elizabeth Taylor? Did she ever lay with the Dawg? Look at the gams!

Larry F, Los Angeles

Dear Larry,

Back in the day, when I was hanging out with Frank and Dean, it just so happens I did invite a much younger Liz Taylor back to my hotel room. Sure I was 18 and she was 35, but the Dawg has always had a way with women. She was looking more like Cleopatra in those days, rather than Moby Dick back when I was with her. She had just dumped Richard Burton for the tenth time and was looking for a rebound. She was all class. All about charity, giving and even pretending to be like Michael Jackson, if it meant getting money to her charities. I have nothing but respect for that lady. Whenever one of Dawg's ladies pass, there's a moment of sadness, followed by a liter of scotch and a few pills. Since Lady Liz was a pill lover herself, I double dosed before falling asleep to My Way.

RIP LIZ.

XOXOXOX

Dawg

Gaddafi has a 50/50 Chance of Living Out the Week

Dawg,

As I'm sure you are on the ground there, can you tell me WTF is going on in Libya? I thought W Jr. made sure Gaddfi was friends with the U.S. now. Shouldn't we be focused on the 2 wars and 2 earthquakes we're already in? -Tiki, NY

Dear Mickey,

I can tell you this, it's a major clusterfuck. It's really hard to tell who's dropping what bombs where. They all say "Made in the USA" on them in bold print, and are falling from the sky. If I had to handicap it now, I'd say Gaddafi has about a 50/50 chance of living out the week. I have been tracking him though and he seems to have an affinity for Busty Ukranian nurses who are under 25. Not sure what that's all about, so I had to sample the nurse for myself, and let's just say that whatever pain he's in, she can take them away.

I'm having trouble telling the rebels from the loyalists, as they all look like Merloni if he didn't shave or shower for a month. It's like the black friday sale at Walmart, only slightly less deadly.

My advice - stay out of the Middle East and North Africa until this crap shakes out. -'Dawg

Modern Day Players Are Just Wussies

Dear Dawg,

I saw the Red Sox beat the Yankees last night. Do you think that's an omen for the season or just a goofy spring game in March? Moammar in Tripoli

Dear Moammar,

When I played, Spring Training was a time to reaquaint yourself with the lifestyle of a ball player. You need to get yourself in shape, and ready for the grueling long haul of the season. That meant drinking: Morning, noon and night. We didn't have natural energy drinks, the clear, the cream and whatever else science gave these guys to make it through a season. We had amphetamines, beer and loose women to get us through the 'Dawg Days of summer. We didn't have all the trainers and nutritionists around that these guys have now. We had Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth as role models who both indulged in everything they could get their hands on and turned out to be pretty decent ball players.

Can you imagine if Mickey Mantle was sober and not a womanizer? He'd have hit .220 and had fourteen homeruns a year. The Babe would have been a light hitting second baseman, if not for Hot Dogs and Harlots. I think today's players would be wise to look back at their predecessors. They'd probably look like fat slobs, and run like them, but they'd be larger than life super heroes instead of boring, protein powder eating pussies who crawl into hyperbaric chambers for sprained ankles and bruises on their vaginas. By the way, 'Dawg's spring training routine remains the same. 'Dawg

Pray for Japan

Dear Dawg,

I know Spring Training has started and you're in Florida, but have you heard about Japan? Crazy huh?

Daisuke in Tokyo

Dear Daisuke,

Have no fear, Dawg is near. When I heard about the earthquake I was horrified. All those young promiscuous women's very existence threatened? No way, so I'm in Japan now, sifting through the rubble, looking for signs of sexy life. I suppose I'll save anyone, but the real tragedy here is Japanese School Girls being injured. What would Asian Fetishists do if that population was wiped out? Absolutely horrific thought. Plus, the idea of losing anime porn forever disgusts me to my very core.

Seriously, pray for Japan, send good kharma or whatever it is you do to summon the big guy upstairs to help those folks. 'Dawg

Timberlake Finds Something New to Wash His Face With

Thanks God

Trust in Danny...

Dear Dawg,
I've been drinking ever since the Celtics threw away their season when they traded Perk, how do I stop?-Mark, Manchester

Mahk,
Don't worry about stopping. Just drink for happiness. Perk was going to leave at the end of the season, the Celtics picked up Marquis Daniels replacement, only he's a better scorer, and a little bigger than Daniels. Now don't drinkfor the Euro jump shooting center (I think is last name is Nonads, he's a "throw in." Sure he can shoot outside, but I have a feeling he'd be little more than a speed bump when Dwight Howard drives on him and his nonads.

Don't get me wrong, Perk is a BAD MAN. His scowl alone caused NBA refs to rescind technicals and opposing centers to pee themselves in terror. But, he was also injury prone, and the Celtics have committed to the Broken Down Corpses of the O'Neals through 2012. I think Doc has been resting Shaq for the stretch run and the playoffs. Jeff Green is a good basketball player, and the Celitcs are to be celebrated, not mourned. I've said it before, I'll say it again, trust in Danny - who was once a light hitting shortstop for Toronto. We middle infielders have to stick together. So Bottom's up Boston, I have a good feeling about this trade. XO-Dawg

The Points You Score in an All-Star Game Don't Count

Dawg,

I know you're friends with a lot of rich and famous people. Can you get a message to one?

Can you please tell Kobe that the All-Star game doesn't count, scoring a lot of points is ridiculous and no one watches the game except Jay-Z, some Kardashians and the Chinese. Thx. Doug in Dahchester

Dear Kobe,

One of your fans ask that I write to you explaining that the points you score in the All-Star game don't count. When it counts is when Rondo is in your shorts, Pierce is sweating all over you and KG is hovering, ready to drop some nastiness all over you. Maybe it counts when you drive the lane, and find Kendrick Perkins waiting for you, begging you to TRY and posterize him.

No, that's when you'll be settling for twenty foot jumpers and claiming someone got you on the wrist, when really - they got one on your brain. Sure the Lakers won game seven, but it was in spite of you, "Mr. Clutch."

'Dawg

(Also, Vanessa Bryant has a big tushy)

Breaking News: Soulless Ginger Wins Something

Soulless Ginger Takes Flight Over Foreign Car; Wins Some Contest.
Very large man thinks putting teddy bear in mouth cool.
Also, accumulation of score robs Pierce, Allen of 3 point honor.

Do You Know Who I Am?

Dawg,

Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about me problems. (swig o' scotch). FU Perro. -Miguwfwd..

Miguel,

I understand, Jefe. Alcoholism (among other things) runs in Dawg's family. The first step is admitting you have a problem, but I would never admit that. First off, get a driver you idiot. I made 32k a year my first year in the bigs and I had a GD driver.

You make half the GDP of the Dominican Republic and don't have a car service? Go ahead and drink till your liver falls out. Mantle did it, and you seem to be able to handle it through the course of a baseball season. So don't be a quitter, but don't be a moron either. Look to Charlie, he seems to be dishing out all kinds of good advice to drinkers, crackheads and meth addicts across America. -

'Dawg

Nobody is Worth What That Fancy Prancing Cheater Makes

Dawg,

Is the Machine worth A-Rod $$? Would you pay him enough to date Cameron Diaz? Alec, Arlington

Dear Alec,

Nobody is worth what that fancy prancing cheater makes, but if you were to ask who deserves to be the richest player in baseball, playing for the best fans, greatest ownership group in the best city and state in the country?

The answer is yes. If you can convince the Machine to platoon at first/DH with Gonzalez, the Red Sox lineup becomes unbelievable. I he were to come to Boston, that old hag Cameron Diaz wouldn't be fit to shine his shoes. Plus, he wouldn't have that nagging fear AROD has that at any moment of any day, Varitek could be preparing to dish out another glove sandwich for his pretty boy face. Plus, Pujols wasn't caught with a syringe hanging out of his ass like AROD. He's the real deal, the natural...I'd love to see him in a Red Sox uniform. I feel so strongly about it that his first hotdog is free at the grill.

'Dawg

When the Going Gets Tough, the Heat Cool Off

Dawg,

I'm confused. How did the Celtics beat the mighty Heat? Don't the Cs have only 6 players this week? Also good work in Egypt boss, how did you do it? Tony in Topsfield

Dear Anthony,

Yes, the Heat are invincible, they are 30-6 since whenever and they dine on teams like the Celtics, who are banged up and missing half their team. But somehow when they play the Celtics, they can't do anything right. I'm pretty sure the Heat are o-fer against the Celtics this season. That has to be in their heads for the playoffs...The Celitcs have to feel pretty good about how they match up with the Heat. And the Heat have to feel pretty good about beating up on the cellar dwellers for now. Because when the going gets tough, the Heat cool off.

Egypt was a long slog, but when I threatened to pull the plug on Hosni's Swiss accounts, he decided he would rather be a multi billionaire than assassinated in the middle of the night by one of his "trusted" advisors. Don't you worry about Hosni, he's knee deep in cash, booze and women as all deposed dictators should be. -XXOO Dg

Ray Allen the Best Shooter Ever?

(Ray rests his shooting hand inside of a hot

asian girl's ass for 2 hours prior to every game)

Dear Dawg,
Is Ray Allen the best three point shooter of all time? -Reggie in LA

Dear Reggie,
Ray Allen isn't the best three point shooter of all time. He's the best shooter of all time. Period. He's also the best actor in the history of the NBA. Dude held his own with Denzell Washington and the Washington Wizards. He has guys draped all over him like Sheen has pornstars on him and he still drains his shots. I'm beginning to believe that he's not necessarily human.

Think about it. He hasn't aged at all, he does everything well (I imagine he was some kind of genius student too), and I bet he's hung like a rhinocerous. I hope the Celtics sign him to a Wakefield like contract, so he can come back and drain threes into his fifties. He also has learned to get in the head of Kobe Bryant. People knocked his Defense, but out of this world Ray always seems to give Kobe fits.

I also wanted to mention the Bruins. I turned on a few of their games last week, and all I saw was blood and goals. They are leading the NHL (by a lot) in fighting majors and are in first place in their division. I just hope they continue to beat the living hell out of the more finesse teams. Good to see old time hockey making it's way back to the NHL. Punks like Crosby and Ovechkin need a friendly elbow in the face from Shawn Thornton to remind them what sport they play.

All is well in the Nation - Basketball, Hockey and Spring Training on the horizon. XOXOXOX-Dawg

See The 2011 World Series Champions

Dawg,

I went to a football game in Dallas last week. After slipping on some ice outside, I walked into the stadium and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones grabbed my ticket out of my hand, threw it on the ground and urinated on it while laughing his stretched out face off.

Then he made me sit in a folding chair beside a sausage vendor to watch the game. Dawg I've never been to a Super Bowl game before and I paid $8,495,504 for that ticket. Was I ripped off? -Left Out in Leminstah

Dear Left Out of the Game,

Here's what I suggest:

Stay in Dallas (Arlington, actually) for another two months. How much can a hotel room cost in Texas? (Do they even take American Money there?) and go see the 2011 World Series Champions open up against the 2010 American League Champions (Rangers) the weekend of 4/1/2011. That's right in just 8 short weeks (or less, Dawg is not a math guy) your Boston Red Sox will be opening up in Arlington. Now, if you present your Super Bowl ticket to me, and I can test for Jerry Jones' DNA, and confirm his DNA, Dawg will present you with a seat to the game for free. You will have to sit next to an Orange Don, who will be blinding from having been in Florida for two months, but you'll be able to sit in the booth with me, Charlie Sheen, Hosni Mubarek and a gaggle of whores and piles of drugs. I promise, it's not to be missed.

XOXOX

'Dawg

People Need Laughter Like I Need Coke and Pornwhores -Sheen

(Sheen Family Cat)

Fans, More words from Charlie. Pray for our friend. -Dawg

Dear Diary,

I have suffered for too long under the watchful eyes of the rehab nazis. Four full days without any of the things I need to live a productive life. I'm like the Gandhi of cocaine.

First of all, without Charlie, the most successful sitcom on television is in hiatus. People need laughter as much as I need cocaine and pornwhores. For the sake of our culture, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the many. Can you imagine that show with just John Cryer? Right: Unwatchable. Nobody wants to see a gay guy playing a straight guy acting like a gay guy. They want Charlie, with the chicks, the booze, the porn stars and most importantly, the ratings. Like my coke dealer once said: Life imitates art.

So I am going to rehab at home. And by rehab I mean I will be back to normal but my publicists (all getting raises) will tell you I am clean. I have a lot of work on the set and off to do in the coming weeks. It takes a logistical genius to plan for a pornhouse AND read ten bad lines a week for a tv show. This kind of work can't be done from inside the gulag of rehab. (The linens were only 200 thread count, my ass is chapped).

Also, I am a loving father who has children who need me to arrange childcare. I've carefully selected a diverse array of child-like pornstars (all under 100 lbs) so the kids have excellent role models, and someone who they can see eye to eye with, as well as service my needs as a sexually active Hollywood celebrity. If nothing else, I am efficient.

I actually never went to rehab this week. My last diary entry was written either by a coked up gerbil or Kacey Jordan, I’m not too sure. They’re both about the same size and, at the time, it was hard to tell who was who because I had smoked a lot of coke. Can't believe that rodent made it all the way to my hiatal.

So don't worry about me. I am hunkered down with my liquor, blow, porn stars, handy whips and three gallons of lube. I will be bringing the comedy to you shortly, and life as we all know it will be restored to pre-rehab levels. -Charles

Letter From a Birminghills Jail

Just received this dispatch from Charlie. Sounds like he's having a rough time. Be well brother- Dawg

Letter From a Birminghills Jail

My Rehab, Day 3

Dear Diary,

The nurse discovered a brick of cocaine I disguised as a pack of Marlboro Lights. There was a brief struggle but without alcohol, my strength has left me. Was a fool to think a bribe would work; the accountants have my checkbooks.

Emilio and Sonja sent a dozen roses this morning. Smoking them made the room smell good for a while, then just the smell of sadness and sobriety.

Food has lost its taste. This morning the “chef” sent pheasant terrine, cream of asparagus and polenta soup, and a salad of mixed greens topped with goat cheese and Peruvian mango slices. Is this a McDonald’s? I may starve. I have the goat cheese drying by the windowsill hoping it powders.

The doctors say I’ll need to be here for a while. My publicist says only until all of this blows over. A poor metaphor. He’ll be begging into the porn mansion by the end of the week.

I think a Kennedy is in one of the rooms on this wing. I hear someone crying for the babysitter at night. Using an elaborate series of knocks and coughs I have been attempting to communicate with my fellow prisoners. Perhaps we can join together and rush the sauna? Yesterday one of the guards caught onto my scheme and threatened to take my HBO privileges.

Cryer says he may be able to smuggle me in a porn star later today. A tiny one like Kelsey Michaels or Leah Luv might be able to fit in one of his shoes. We’ll see. I haven’t gone this long without banging porn star since Denise took the kids to Disney World for a weekend in the mid 90s.

But alas my gold and silver flecked Venetian candle burns thin in the waning evening sunlight. Lights out here at 9pm sharp. Usually I’m on my 3^rd at Mr. Chow at 9…

I shall persevere. Yours in brotherhood. –Charles

Charlie Sheen, Some Dudes...

Dear Dawg,

What the hell is going on with Wild Thing Rick Vaughn? -Chuck in LA

Dear Chuck,

Some dudes can hold their liquor...coke, whores...whatever. Charlie is just not one of those guys. Do you think every time DeNiro had five whores and a suitcase full of blow we had to hear about it and worry about him dying? Hell no. Some will say the difference is the media spotlight and the TMZs and Perez Hiltons, but let me tell you that in the Dawg's day, we didn't get caught because we weren't a bunch of whimpering pussies with tummy aches.

Sure Butchy got busted getting a bunch of blow shipped to him in a hotel, but even that was long after his playing days. I blew a gasket once when I had a three week straight party in 1978, but I went to an "under the table doctor" who gave me a washcloth and a bottle of scotch while he performed surgery with a rusty scissor. (I think he drank half the scotch btw).

Now, that's not to say I dislike Charlie Sheen. He is a good fella, bought the Dawg a few drinks once in LA near UCLA in 1995, he bought four rounds for everyone in the bar that night and couldn't have been a nicer guy. He's also a big baseball fan and once bought out the entire left field bleachers of an Angels' game to catch homerun balls. Unfortunately for him, if he can't hide his blow a little better, he'll be catching a different kind of balls in prison.

I've got to go, there are five lonely ladies and a suitcase what need Dawg's attention pronto.

Hang in their Charlie, I owe you a drink - anytime bud...

'Dawg

Ailing Prima Donnas and My Aunt Rosemary

Dear Dawg,
Are the Rays gonna challenge the Sox now that they signed Manny and Johnny Drama?
Worried in Gloucester

Dear Worried,
If it were 2004, I'd be worried about this. But let's face it, these are two players wayyyy past their primes. When Johnny was smack dab in the middle of his prime he threw like my Aunt Rosemary. I have to admit that if Manny could be had for two million dollars, I wouldn't have minded the Sox taking a flyer on him to give them a right handed power bat off the bench. But, I've never heard of a team carrying two DH's Also, I don't see Professor Maddon and the ManRam getting along all that well. Manny is either going to shock us all and start hitting bombs again or he'll be a clubhouse cancer and start reaching for a tender hamstring every time The Professor asks him to hustle down the line. I have to admit to being shocked when I learned both were signed at the same time. I was half thinking they would sign Cesar Crespo and Curtis "The Mechanic" Leskanic to contracts too.

All that doesn't mean a hill of beans when I think of Johnny and Manny, because to me and the rest of Red Sox Nation, they will always be part of the original 25. The 25 that never need to pay for a beer in New England ever again. Damon and Manny were two of the most important pieces of that magical year. My guess is when they come to Fenway, the fans will stand and cheer, at least I hope they will. I hope they both have fantastic years against the Yankees and play like ailing prima donnas against the Sox.

Don't worry,
'Dawg.

Lance Probably Had Help

Dawg,

Is Lance dirty or clean? -Bob, New Bedford, MA

Rob,

Here's the deal with the cheating. Can you name one competitive bike rider who hasn't tested positive or been suspected of doping? I know if they sawed off one of Dawg's nuts, there wsould be a national day of mourning and I sure as shit wouldn't be winning any races, or putting my one good ball in jeopardy by squishing it on one of those bike seats. I mean those things are smaller and harder than seats at Fenway. Apparently asses were a lot smaller in 1906.

But Dawg digresses. I don't freakin know if he's clean or dirty. I do know where there's smoke there's fire. I also know the entire country of France is after Armstrong. They can't stand the idea of a brash Texan kicking their asses up and down the Champs de Lycee. I do know he dumped Cheryl Crow right as she was about to get over ripe, so I applaud him for that. I'm sure he's on to something younger, hotter and probably surgically enhanced.

People are trying to compare him to that fat cheater Clemens, who's ego wouldn't fit in France. Roger is still screaming he's innocent to anyone who will listen, even though they pretty much have all but the needle hanging out of his ass. Turns out Dan Duquette was right on when he let Roger go to Toronto, he probably was in the twilight of his non-cheating career, but was about to enter the cheating part. I mean, I guess I can't say with 100% certainty that he used, but his best friend ratted him out and his wife.....

I think this speaks for itself.....Well, I hope Lance is clean, but if not, at least he beat all the Pierre's in France.

Soriano? The Yankees Now Have Some Depth

Dawg,
Have the Yankees leveled the playing field now that they signed Rafael Soriano? -Ryan in Gloucester

Dear Bryan, First off, I wonder what Joba is thinking right now?

He went from can't miss starter to heir apparent to Mo to set up guy to borderline, last man in, middle innings eater with a sweet DUI video and a meth mom mixed in for good measure. He went from invincible to a few bugs throwing him off his game against Cleveland in the playoffs to piece of shit AAAA mop up man in three years. Not that the Sox haven't had a few like him - I think Craig Hansen is the assistant carriage boy at my Stop&Shop. From what I understand he pushes the carts hard, but is very erratic.

I think Soriano is a good relief pitcher, and the Yankees bullpen is strong, and on paper is the strongest in the league. BUT, they are a tender elbow and sore back away from being garbage. They have serious issues with depth. They either sign suddenly over the hillers like Lance “The Prance” Berkman or absolute trash from AAA - like who the hell are these guys: R. Pena. They are one Cameron Diaz forcing AROD to "tweak" his hip away from replacing Arod with R. Pena. I'm not sure if R is his first name or if that stands for Rogelio or Renne.'

Quick, can anyone name Jeter's backup or Cano's? Guess who? That's right, R. Pena. So if there's some kind of locker room sexcapades and the naked tower tumbles the wrong way, R Pena better be ready to field three positions and hit .340.

Also, as I blissfully type this, Andy Pettite is spending time with his wonderful family in Deer Park, Texas. I hear Deer Park is an amazing place, especially from the months of April through November. Not to be missed. I have sent Mrs. Pettite several Tantra books, silk sheets and lube by the gallon just to make sure Deer Park's finest citizen is happy in all the phases of his life. Which I believe for a dullard like Pettite includes hunting, eating, crapping, mouth breathing and reproducing.

So that leaves Sergio Mitre (I'm pretty sure he's named after a gay saw) and Ivanona (I think I saw them open up for Loverboy in 1984) in the Yankees rotation. Now, that lights out bullpen will be overused. We all know CC gets tired, or hungry, after 6 innings. Inning eater Burnett is usually ready for a beer and tattoo after threeandtwothirds and Hughes still has the "Hughes rules" because the Yankees treat their young starters like fragile crystal eggs with anthrax in them. When do they take the diapers off Phil and let him go more than 6? Probably not this year. So, that puts a lot of pressure and innings on that infallible Yankees bullpen.

I still think the scales are tipped our way, but I am a major homer with tons of bias. -'Dawg

Manny, Strippers and Brazilian Communism

Dear Dawg,

Where do you think Manny Ramirez will play next year? –Jay, T.O

Luke,

Who cares? At the moment I’m living in a cave at the top of a mountain in Guanabara Bay waiting for that Marxist Dilma to get yet another drink on the beach. Jesus, lady leftist guerillas sure can drink. Is she making out with a donkey...?

I’ve got a minute here. Your question? Considering many illegal drugs are decriminalized in Canada, I think Manny will do very well if he signs with the Blue Jays. Canadians love individualism and have very low expectations for athletes not in ice skates. I think it’s a perfect fit. He’ll be just another guy with dirty hair there. Also like Manny, most Europeans are very lazy.

I was sad that the Chicago experiment didn’t work out for Manny but I think living daily under the threat of Oney Guillen’s tweets would be hard for anyone, especially someone who smokes 3 trees a day.

It’s also likely that Brandi Favre will be fleeing to Canada on her brother’s dime with a meth pipe hidden in her vagina. Maybe Manny and Brandi could be roomies? Just a thought.

Well that’s all for now. I think Rousseff is getting another lap dance (labor party perks). Manny loves strippers, maybe he should come play ball down here?? Gotta go. –Dawg

Baltimore's Chances? Dead Birds Don't Fly

Dawg, What's up with all these dead birds? Are they Baltimore fans? -Nik, New Haven

Dear Dik, First of all, I think the main point that people are missing with this weird bird thing is that dead birds can't fly. I don't want to get all scientific on you, and talk about the physics involved with gravity, but once those wings stop flapping - BLAM - those bad boys are falling to the earth. Sure, Orioles are known to gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but don't forget about high flyers like the Blue Jays and Cardinals.

My other theory is that there's a giant cat perched on a cloud, whacking those things out of the sky like Jason Varitek whacking Arod in the face with a mitt. The last theory is that those birds flew all the way from New York to try and woo local Arkansas boy Cliff Lee to come pitch for them and they are dying from mass depression. I mean have you seen their pathetic rotation for 2011. And now they are talking Kevin Milwood or Freddy Garcia? Talk about things that are dead - there's two careers for you that should be.

When Pet-it retires, expect to see some more flocks down over Texas. 'Dawg