President Awesome, O'Bama

Dawg,

Why the hell is our black president drinking Guinness in Ireland? The news tells me he's an elitist latte drinking communist dictator that I should hunt down like a dog before he destroys humanity, but when I see him down a Guinness in a pub, I start to think...But then the guys on EEI bring me back down to earth and I start hating again. Dawg, what to do? -Owen MickO'Toolihan

Dear Owen,

The 'Dawg doesn't like to dabble in politics, because I deal in absolutes. Mother Theresa? Good. Hitler? Bad. Dawg would be in the Mother Theresa party and not the Hitler party. When the lines aren't as clear, my head starts spinning.

Do you know what Dawg does when his head spins? That's right, he reaches for a beer. Beer has been known to solve problems. Now, any idiot can hoist a clear Miller Dry Pale Light Ice Lime and take a few sips before handing it off to the guy who carries the president's crap around until nobody's looking and then trashes it. You know, like when the French hand the president some kind of vomit cheese.

Is he supposed to actually admit that rotten rancid crap is edible and end up in the presidential shitcan all week plotting to invade Marseille? No, F that, the leader of the free world should not be forced to eat some rotten goddamned fruitcake from the Balkans. So, when they actually down their Guinness in four gulps, and their lady hops behind the bar and starts pouring (properly I might add), that's impressive. I'm guessing that that one beer might be the end of Tsunamis, hurricanes, bad levies, poverty, war, the Yankees....That beer is probably the beginning of the golden era of our Nation and possibly the world. Dawg's advice to the president would have been to follow it up with a few shots of Irish Whiskey (when in Dublin)...Christ we could be colonizing other galaxies by next Tuesday if I had a say. Anyhow, I agree I can drink a beer with that guy, any time. -'Dawg

Alec Baldwin's New Era commercial

Witness Nothing

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It Ain't Over

Dawg,

With 30 seconds left in regulation LeNervous lost the ball out of bounds. The Cs had it and a tied score, how did they lose this game? Can they bounce back from this?

Also, with the Bruins series start this month? -DeW, Summerville

Dear DeWayne,

Apparently, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett ran into each other, ruining Doc's inbound play. I think we've all seen Pierce make that shot at times in his career, so considering it was a busted pay, at least Pierce was smart enough not to give the Heat time to do anything if he did miss.

Can they win? I don't know. Do you think LeBron, Dwayne and Bosh's massive egos will be swollen with confidence? Do you think KG is sitting back saying "it's over" or do you think he's steering at something, eyes crossed, counting the seconds until he gets a chance to steal one in Miami? Do you think Ray Allen is going to stop getting to the gym four hours early? Do you think Rondo will "sit this one out" with his sore elbow?

It ain't over, not by a long shot. The Celtics are Champions, and the Heat have yet to vanquish them or prove anything except they are better than the Sixers.

The Bruins series is going to start. Some day. The later the better. Let Bergeron's noggin recover. I hope Seguin is ready to play, because he'll be pressed into action, centering the third line. Time to be the stud rookie we thought we had in October.

Dawg predicts: Bruins in 6. (Mostly because it rhymes)

Osama Bin Clownfish

Dear Dawg,

Any inside info on Bin Laden? -B.H.O., D.C.

Nation,

Did you really think I've had the "flu" this whole time? Obviously there were some pics of me at the Royal Wedding, but even those were fake. I was able to pose with Kate and Will a few weeks ago so Al Qaeda didn't know we were on to OBL. It was a simple mission, we flew in under the cover of day, and kicked some Qaeda ass.

Bin Laden was wearing pink briefs and eye make up and had a Jeter shirt on. When I capped his ass, he was begging me to save him, offering me riches and virgins. I told him Dawn already had all those things and put that dog down without saying another word. Because Dawg is respectful of other cultures, we buried him within 24 hours of death by dumping his skinny ass in the ocean.

If you are a fan of Bin Laden and want to pay last respects, I believe the military is offering to transport you right to the grave site so you can pay your respects up close and personal, at the bottom of the ocean. Thanks Navy Seals, President Obama and the intelligence infrastructure! Dawg

It's Okay to WANT to Shag the Bride

Dawg,

Is it wrong to want to shag a lady who just got married?

Also, what do you expect to see in Boston against the Heat on Sunday? Harry, England

Dear Harry,

As you know, I've been an agent for the US Government for decades. That means my services extend to our allies, the queen's realm and her colonies (even the poor ones).

Several years ago William asked me to sample the goods before he dipped his royal golden penguin in there. Just to make sure it was safe and riddle-free. Needless to say, Will's a lucky man.

Son, it's okay and natural to WANT to shag the bride. I mean back in the olden days, you knew the bride was going to be getting the high hard one for the first time ever that night, so naturally every guy at the wedding would look at her and think - oh yeah.

These days, unless you are in Tennessee and marry your 14 year old cousin, odds are they've already had sex with every wedding guest, both ways, even Uncle Sid. So yeah, somehow our DNA tells us they are about to be deflowered, even though the truth is, they were doin' it at 14. The trick is, don't bang the bride at the wedding, unless the groom owes you money (right Dustin?)

I expect to see a green wave, cooling off the Heat. (Celtics win this series in 6).

'Dawg

also say a prayer for an old buddy, he's going to have a shitty month, D. Lowe

Seriously, It Feels Good

Dawg,

Can you believe the Bruins did it?

Also Is Bard becoming the new Papelbon? Thor, Topsfield

Dear Thor,

As you may have heard I missed last night's game with a serious "cold." That's 'Dawg humor for watching hockey. I felt like I did when my wife was pregnant with the first 'lil Dawg. Nervous, apprehensive, drunk....and generally disoriented. Was that Nathan Horton scoring a goal in overtime or did the "cold" medication put that in my brain?

Seriously, it feels good. Avenging all those horrible losses to the Habs in the 70s and 80s always feels good. Now, on to Philly who is about to feel the B's vengeance for last year's debacle. I feel the flu coming on....

As for Bard, he throws 300 MPH, he'll be fine.

'Dawg

The Boston Bruins

Fans,

When I was a young man I attended a Bruins playoff with friends. It was the 70s and Dawg was living it up as a younger man. The Bruins won the game and, after, I decided to leave my friends walk in the cool crisp night air of Boston. It was beautiful.

The stars above were shinning. A couple in love hurried past. The evening’s breeze was a melodic rhythm of wondrous thoughts and possibilities. In the Commons, I decided to lie in the soft grass under the stars and take in this beautiful night.

When I awoke a feral cat was taking a dump in my mouth.

This is what the Boston Bruins have been like for the better part of 30 years. Things start off well but don’t end that way. Being a Bruins fan is like having Marissa Miller rub you out on her beautifully manicured foot and then Tweeting your mother about it (Dawg knows this).

We are going to lose to the Canadians, again. The nightmare will not end.

But keep your heads up fans. The real NBA season started today with Allen/Garnett beating some New York team the Kobes losing and the Sox #winning a 4^th game. I’ll check-in with you all later this week. -Dawg

Diamond and the T.O Edge Sox, Now at 2-10

Hughes, Feliciano out for a while. HAHAHAHAHAHA

The Sad, Sad Boston Bruins are at it Again

Dawg,

Are the Bruins going to make me kill puppies? Is this Francona's fault? Listless in Nashua

Dear Listless,

That *$)(&# game reminded me of wartching so many Bruins/Canadiens' playoff series of the 70s and 80s. the Bs look sharp, peppering the Habs goalie throughout the game, announcers spitting out things like "it's just a matter of time" and pointing out all the problems with the Habs defensively, only to see the Bruins lose in frustrating fashion.

It was a hard pill to swallow for sure, and suckitis seems to be permeating the Boston sports scene. It has to stop now, before we are Bruinsless and Celticsless and are only left with Tito's band of merry travellers. If those jackasses don't start acting like they look on paper, we'll have to pin all our hopes on Tom Brady's cavernous chindimple. -'Dawg

Dawg Hearts She-Gingers

U.F.S.

Help Fight U.F.S. (Ugly Face Syndrome)

By clicking on any of the ads on this site. Proceeds will go to Dawg's beer fund, making watching Mark's at-bats somewhat bearable.

Manny Ramirez

Dawg,

Manny!?!?!!??! -Joe, The Town

Dear Joe SixPack,

I know you hated every second of Manny Ramirez. He didn't hustle, wasn't a "dirt dog", never cared more than he cared about waitresses, cars and haircuts. Goofing with Pedro? Pointing at Papi? H.O.F. or not, he'll always be Boston's #1 wingnut, batshit crazy left fielder. If Bill Lee is pitching in the deranged Red Sox Old Timers game, Manny is surely in left field, baggy ass pants, picking daisies, taking his sweet ass time to do whatever the hell he feels like.

I'm really happy that Manny can take his sweet time to do whatever he wants. Nobody will be asking him why he didn't hustle to the fridge or run out the cookies.

I'm glad Manny was part of the 2004 Sox. Cheers #24, 'Dawg

New York 9, Sox 4

Yankees Finally Beat Sox

Sox Record 1-7

1-6

0-6

0-5

Dawg, What happened in the 6th last night? -Bar in Portsmouth

Sketchy,

Here's exactly how I saw last night's sixth inning: HBP, HBP, BB (Reyes Yanked, Wheeler put in) Ground out (run scored), three run homer, whiskey, beer, whiskey, channel change to American Freaking Idol, previously deemed "unwatchable" but a much better option last night.

I can only assume things didn't turn around. Reyes pitches like El Guapo looked. Also, dude needs to invest in a neck. Seriously, where is his neck? If he finds it, maybe he'll be able to locate a fastball too. Look, I'm all for hitting guys to get things going...but back to back HBP and then a walk to top it off? Where the hell is Okajima again? Rich Hill? Get that shuttle in Pawtucket warmed up, and while your at it, throw Kalish in there too. If I have to endure JD Drew all season, I may need rehab by the all-star break.

When you read this post, the Sox will be 1-5, and on their way to many wins. Or I will be on the Tobin, with many other Sox fans, waiting in line to jump.

Hugs,

'Dawg

0-4

Dawg,

Should we be worried about the Red Sox? Also, why do athletes make jersey tits whenever they win something? Concerned in Barrington

Look, I don't know if we should all go "Full Affleck" over this start. The Sox lost four straight, but the way this team is constructed, I can't see them being this bad all season. Something was up in Texas, cheating, stealing signs...something sinister.

Maybe the Sox were partying too much during spring training, maybe the team stayed at a hotel next to a strip club (I didn't see them there though). Could just be a rough patch at the beginning of the year. Let's hope that's all it is, and pretend these four games never happened. Kind of like the 90's for me.

The reason the players do that is so you can see their team more clearly. You have to pull and extend the shirt so the camera can see that indeed, you do attend Texas A&M and yes, that institution of higher learning has defeated their foe.

Ben Affleck's Meltdown

Back to the Booth

Dear Dawg,

Are the Sawx gonna take it all this yeah? -Sully in Brookline

Sully, I know the Sox look pretty darned good on paper. On paper this team reminds me a lot of the '78 team, which as we all know did not work out to well for the Sox. BUT, they are stacked like a Ukranian Nurse in Qaddafi's bunker. Pitching depth, hitting, guys coming off the bench who can run, hit and field. They have guys in AAA that would have made any other team in baseball for even more depth. It seems like "Boy Wonder" Theo built a winner. Of course, there are all kinds of injuries that can ruin a season. One bad foul ball or collision can ruin a team. That said, this is the best assembly of talent this Dawg has seen in a while. I think, therefore my answer is yes. Go ahead and bet the house, the kids, the car - bet it all on the Sox.

Gotta run and fetch Don from his tanning booth so we don't miss the flight to Arlington. He sleeps in one now, he says combining sleep with tanning is the most efficient way to get that deep orange glow he loves so much.XOXOX'Dawg

Derek Jeter and Friend

It's About That Time

Dawg, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem:

-Rob, Danvers, MA

Bob,

Good question. I've spent the past several days in Yemen studying rebel movements and etching a stone likeness of Carl Crawford's swing on a cave wall. The people have been quite gracious here and in my free time, I've been instructing them how to make Remdogs out of fried burka strips and camel spider dung.

I believe the answer to your question is 11. It's been a while since I've done quantum physics but since the Sox have a few new big bats, your question reminds me that I'd better dust off my copy of Shankar's Principles of Quantum Mechanics and put the opium pipe down.

With any deep sciency question regarding space and time, your default answer should always be Miranda Kerr.

I hope this helped. The CIA is chartering me a flight out of here to Frankfurt Airbase and then on to Arlington, TX. It's about that time. Go Sox. -D

Papelbon

Elizabeth Taylor

Dawg,

Did you hear about Elizabeth Taylor? Did she ever lay with the Dawg? Look at the gams!

Larry F, Los Angeles

Dear Larry,

Back in the day, when I was hanging out with Frank and Dean, it just so happens I did invite a much younger Liz Taylor back to my hotel room. Sure I was 18 and she was 35, but the Dawg has always had a way with women. She was looking more like Cleopatra in those days, rather than Moby Dick back when I was with her. She had just dumped Richard Burton for the tenth time and was looking for a rebound. She was all class. All about charity, giving and even pretending to be like Michael Jackson, if it meant getting money to her charities. I have nothing but respect for that lady. Whenever one of Dawg's ladies pass, there's a moment of sadness, followed by a liter of scotch and a few pills. Since Lady Liz was a pill lover herself, I double dosed before falling asleep to My Way.

RIP LIZ.

XOXOXOX

Dawg

Gaddafi has a 50/50 Chance of Living Out the Week

Dawg,

As I'm sure you are on the ground there, can you tell me WTF is going on in Libya? I thought W Jr. made sure Gaddfi was friends with the U.S. now. Shouldn't we be focused on the 2 wars and 2 earthquakes we're already in? -Tiki, NY

Dear Mickey,

I can tell you this, it's a major clusterfuck. It's really hard to tell who's dropping what bombs where. They all say "Made in the USA" on them in bold print, and are falling from the sky. If I had to handicap it now, I'd say Gaddafi has about a 50/50 chance of living out the week. I have been tracking him though and he seems to have an affinity for Busty Ukranian nurses who are under 25. Not sure what that's all about, so I had to sample the nurse for myself, and let's just say that whatever pain he's in, she can take them away.

I'm having trouble telling the rebels from the loyalists, as they all look like Merloni if he didn't shave or shower for a month. It's like the black friday sale at Walmart, only slightly less deadly.

My advice - stay out of the Middle East and North Africa until this crap shakes out. -'Dawg

Modern Day Players Are Just Wussies

Dear Dawg,

I saw the Red Sox beat the Yankees last night. Do you think that's an omen for the season or just a goofy spring game in March? Moammar in Tripoli

Dear Moammar,

When I played, Spring Training was a time to reaquaint yourself with the lifestyle of a ball player. You need to get yourself in shape, and ready for the grueling long haul of the season. That meant drinking: Morning, noon and night. We didn't have natural energy drinks, the clear, the cream and whatever else science gave these guys to make it through a season. We had amphetamines, beer and loose women to get us through the 'Dawg Days of summer. We didn't have all the trainers and nutritionists around that these guys have now. We had Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth as role models who both indulged in everything they could get their hands on and turned out to be pretty decent ball players.

Can you imagine if Mickey Mantle was sober and not a womanizer? He'd have hit .220 and had fourteen homeruns a year. The Babe would have been a light hitting second baseman, if not for Hot Dogs and Harlots. I think today's players would be wise to look back at their predecessors. They'd probably look like fat slobs, and run like them, but they'd be larger than life super heroes instead of boring, protein powder eating pussies who crawl into hyperbaric chambers for sprained ankles and bruises on their vaginas. By the way, 'Dawg's spring training routine remains the same. 'Dawg

Pray for Japan

Dear Dawg,

I know Spring Training has started and you're in Florida, but have you heard about Japan? Crazy huh?

Daisuke in Tokyo

Dear Daisuke,

Have no fear, Dawg is near. When I heard about the earthquake I was horrified. All those young promiscuous women's very existence threatened? No way, so I'm in Japan now, sifting through the rubble, looking for signs of sexy life. I suppose I'll save anyone, but the real tragedy here is Japanese School Girls being injured. What would Asian Fetishists do if that population was wiped out? Absolutely horrific thought. Plus, the idea of losing anime porn forever disgusts me to my very core.

Seriously, pray for Japan, send good kharma or whatever it is you do to summon the big guy upstairs to help those folks. 'Dawg

Timberlake Finds Something New to Wash His Face With

Thanks God

Trust in Danny...

Dear Dawg,
I've been drinking ever since the Celtics threw away their season when they traded Perk, how do I stop?-Mark, Manchester

Mahk,
Don't worry about stopping. Just drink for happiness. Perk was going to leave at the end of the season, the Celtics picked up Marquis Daniels replacement, only he's a better scorer, and a little bigger than Daniels. Now don't drinkfor the Euro jump shooting center (I think is last name is Nonads, he's a "throw in." Sure he can shoot outside, but I have a feeling he'd be little more than a speed bump when Dwight Howard drives on him and his nonads.

Don't get me wrong, Perk is a BAD MAN. His scowl alone caused NBA refs to rescind technicals and opposing centers to pee themselves in terror. But, he was also injury prone, and the Celtics have committed to the Broken Down Corpses of the O'Neals through 2012. I think Doc has been resting Shaq for the stretch run and the playoffs. Jeff Green is a good basketball player, and the Celitcs are to be celebrated, not mourned. I've said it before, I'll say it again, trust in Danny - who was once a light hitting shortstop for Toronto. We middle infielders have to stick together. So Bottom's up Boston, I have a good feeling about this trade. XO-Dawg

The Points You Score in an All-Star Game Don't Count

Dawg,

I know you're friends with a lot of rich and famous people. Can you get a message to one?

Can you please tell Kobe that the All-Star game doesn't count, scoring a lot of points is ridiculous and no one watches the game except Jay-Z, some Kardashians and the Chinese. Thx. Doug in Dahchester

Dear Kobe,

One of your fans ask that I write to you explaining that the points you score in the All-Star game don't count. When it counts is when Rondo is in your shorts, Pierce is sweating all over you and KG is hovering, ready to drop some nastiness all over you. Maybe it counts when you drive the lane, and find Kendrick Perkins waiting for you, begging you to TRY and posterize him.

No, that's when you'll be settling for twenty foot jumpers and claiming someone got you on the wrist, when really - they got one on your brain. Sure the Lakers won game seven, but it was in spite of you, "Mr. Clutch."

'Dawg

(Also, Vanessa Bryant has a big tushy)