Ray Allen the Best Shooter Ever?

(Ray rests his shooting hand inside of a hot

asian girl's ass for 2 hours prior to every game)

Dear Dawg,
Is Ray Allen the best three point shooter of all time? -Reggie in LA

Dear Reggie,
Ray Allen isn't the best three point shooter of all time. He's the best shooter of all time. Period. He's also the best actor in the history of the NBA. Dude held his own with Denzell Washington and the Washington Wizards. He has guys draped all over him like Sheen has pornstars on him and he still drains his shots. I'm beginning to believe that he's not necessarily human.

Think about it. He hasn't aged at all, he does everything well (I imagine he was some kind of genius student too), and I bet he's hung like a rhinocerous. I hope the Celtics sign him to a Wakefield like contract, so he can come back and drain threes into his fifties. He also has learned to get in the head of Kobe Bryant. People knocked his Defense, but out of this world Ray always seems to give Kobe fits.

I also wanted to mention the Bruins. I turned on a few of their games last week, and all I saw was blood and goals. They are leading the NHL (by a lot) in fighting majors and are in first place in their division. I just hope they continue to beat the living hell out of the more finesse teams. Good to see old time hockey making it's way back to the NHL. Punks like Crosby and Ovechkin need a friendly elbow in the face from Shawn Thornton to remind them what sport they play.

All is well in the Nation - Basketball, Hockey and Spring Training on the horizon. XOXOXOX-Dawg

See The 2011 World Series Champions

Dawg,

I went to a football game in Dallas last week. After slipping on some ice outside, I walked into the stadium and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones grabbed my ticket out of my hand, threw it on the ground and urinated on it while laughing his stretched out face off.

Then he made me sit in a folding chair beside a sausage vendor to watch the game. Dawg I've never been to a Super Bowl game before and I paid $8,495,504 for that ticket. Was I ripped off? -Left Out in Leminstah

Dear Left Out of the Game,

Here's what I suggest:

Stay in Dallas (Arlington, actually) for another two months. How much can a hotel room cost in Texas? (Do they even take American Money there?) and go see the 2011 World Series Champions open up against the 2010 American League Champions (Rangers) the weekend of 4/1/2011. That's right in just 8 short weeks (or less, Dawg is not a math guy) your Boston Red Sox will be opening up in Arlington. Now, if you present your Super Bowl ticket to me, and I can test for Jerry Jones' DNA, and confirm his DNA, Dawg will present you with a seat to the game for free. You will have to sit next to an Orange Don, who will be blinding from having been in Florida for two months, but you'll be able to sit in the booth with me, Charlie Sheen, Hosni Mubarek and a gaggle of whores and piles of drugs. I promise, it's not to be missed.

XOXOX

'Dawg

People Need Laughter Like I Need Coke and Pornwhores -Sheen

(Sheen Family Cat)

Fans, More words from Charlie. Pray for our friend. -Dawg

Dear Diary,

I have suffered for too long under the watchful eyes of the rehab nazis. Four full days without any of the things I need to live a productive life. I'm like the Gandhi of cocaine.

First of all, without Charlie, the most successful sitcom on television is in hiatus. People need laughter as much as I need cocaine and pornwhores. For the sake of our culture, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the many. Can you imagine that show with just John Cryer? Right: Unwatchable. Nobody wants to see a gay guy playing a straight guy acting like a gay guy. They want Charlie, with the chicks, the booze, the porn stars and most importantly, the ratings. Like my coke dealer once said: Life imitates art.

So I am going to rehab at home. And by rehab I mean I will be back to normal but my publicists (all getting raises) will tell you I am clean. I have a lot of work on the set and off to do in the coming weeks. It takes a logistical genius to plan for a pornhouse AND read ten bad lines a week for a tv show. This kind of work can't be done from inside the gulag of rehab. (The linens were only 200 thread count, my ass is chapped).

Also, I am a loving father who has children who need me to arrange childcare. I've carefully selected a diverse array of child-like pornstars (all under 100 lbs) so the kids have excellent role models, and someone who they can see eye to eye with, as well as service my needs as a sexually active Hollywood celebrity. If nothing else, I am efficient.

I actually never went to rehab this week. My last diary entry was written either by a coked up gerbil or Kacey Jordan, I’m not too sure. They’re both about the same size and, at the time, it was hard to tell who was who because I had smoked a lot of coke. Can't believe that rodent made it all the way to my hiatal.

So don't worry about me. I am hunkered down with my liquor, blow, porn stars, handy whips and three gallons of lube. I will be bringing the comedy to you shortly, and life as we all know it will be restored to pre-rehab levels. -Charles

Letter From a Birminghills Jail

Just received this dispatch from Charlie. Sounds like he's having a rough time. Be well brother- Dawg

Letter From a Birminghills Jail

My Rehab, Day 3

Dear Diary,

The nurse discovered a brick of cocaine I disguised as a pack of Marlboro Lights. There was a brief struggle but without alcohol, my strength has left me. Was a fool to think a bribe would work; the accountants have my checkbooks.

Emilio and Sonja sent a dozen roses this morning. Smoking them made the room smell good for a while, then just the smell of sadness and sobriety.

Food has lost its taste. This morning the “chef” sent pheasant terrine, cream of asparagus and polenta soup, and a salad of mixed greens topped with goat cheese and Peruvian mango slices. Is this a McDonald’s? I may starve. I have the goat cheese drying by the windowsill hoping it powders.

The doctors say I’ll need to be here for a while. My publicist says only until all of this blows over. A poor metaphor. He’ll be begging into the porn mansion by the end of the week.

I think a Kennedy is in one of the rooms on this wing. I hear someone crying for the babysitter at night. Using an elaborate series of knocks and coughs I have been attempting to communicate with my fellow prisoners. Perhaps we can join together and rush the sauna? Yesterday one of the guards caught onto my scheme and threatened to take my HBO privileges.

Cryer says he may be able to smuggle me in a porn star later today. A tiny one like Kelsey Michaels or Leah Luv might be able to fit in one of his shoes. We’ll see. I haven’t gone this long without banging porn star since Denise took the kids to Disney World for a weekend in the mid 90s.

But alas my gold and silver flecked Venetian candle burns thin in the waning evening sunlight. Lights out here at 9pm sharp. Usually I’m on my 3^rd at Mr. Chow at 9…

I shall persevere. Yours in brotherhood. –Charles

Charlie Sheen, Some Dudes...

Dear Dawg,

What the hell is going on with Wild Thing Rick Vaughn? -Chuck in LA

Dear Chuck,

Some dudes can hold their liquor...coke, whores...whatever. Charlie is just not one of those guys. Do you think every time DeNiro had five whores and a suitcase full of blow we had to hear about it and worry about him dying? Hell no. Some will say the difference is the media spotlight and the TMZs and Perez Hiltons, but let me tell you that in the Dawg's day, we didn't get caught because we weren't a bunch of whimpering pussies with tummy aches.

Sure Butchy got busted getting a bunch of blow shipped to him in a hotel, but even that was long after his playing days. I blew a gasket once when I had a three week straight party in 1978, but I went to an "under the table doctor" who gave me a washcloth and a bottle of scotch while he performed surgery with a rusty scissor. (I think he drank half the scotch btw).

Now, that's not to say I dislike Charlie Sheen. He is a good fella, bought the Dawg a few drinks once in LA near UCLA in 1995, he bought four rounds for everyone in the bar that night and couldn't have been a nicer guy. He's also a big baseball fan and once bought out the entire left field bleachers of an Angels' game to catch homerun balls. Unfortunately for him, if he can't hide his blow a little better, he'll be catching a different kind of balls in prison.

I've got to go, there are five lonely ladies and a suitcase what need Dawg's attention pronto.

Hang in their Charlie, I owe you a drink - anytime bud...

'Dawg

Ailing Prima Donnas and My Aunt Rosemary

Dear Dawg,
Are the Rays gonna challenge the Sox now that they signed Manny and Johnny Drama?
Worried in Gloucester

Dear Worried,
If it were 2004, I'd be worried about this. But let's face it, these are two players wayyyy past their primes. When Johnny was smack dab in the middle of his prime he threw like my Aunt Rosemary. I have to admit that if Manny could be had for two million dollars, I wouldn't have minded the Sox taking a flyer on him to give them a right handed power bat off the bench. But, I've never heard of a team carrying two DH's Also, I don't see Professor Maddon and the ManRam getting along all that well. Manny is either going to shock us all and start hitting bombs again or he'll be a clubhouse cancer and start reaching for a tender hamstring every time The Professor asks him to hustle down the line. I have to admit to being shocked when I learned both were signed at the same time. I was half thinking they would sign Cesar Crespo and Curtis "The Mechanic" Leskanic to contracts too.

All that doesn't mean a hill of beans when I think of Johnny and Manny, because to me and the rest of Red Sox Nation, they will always be part of the original 25. The 25 that never need to pay for a beer in New England ever again. Damon and Manny were two of the most important pieces of that magical year. My guess is when they come to Fenway, the fans will stand and cheer, at least I hope they will. I hope they both have fantastic years against the Yankees and play like ailing prima donnas against the Sox.

Don't worry,
'Dawg.

Lance Probably Had Help

Dawg,

Is Lance dirty or clean? -Bob, New Bedford, MA

Rob,

Here's the deal with the cheating. Can you name one competitive bike rider who hasn't tested positive or been suspected of doping? I know if they sawed off one of Dawg's nuts, there wsould be a national day of mourning and I sure as shit wouldn't be winning any races, or putting my one good ball in jeopardy by squishing it on one of those bike seats. I mean those things are smaller and harder than seats at Fenway. Apparently asses were a lot smaller in 1906.

But Dawg digresses. I don't freakin know if he's clean or dirty. I do know where there's smoke there's fire. I also know the entire country of France is after Armstrong. They can't stand the idea of a brash Texan kicking their asses up and down the Champs de Lycee. I do know he dumped Cheryl Crow right as she was about to get over ripe, so I applaud him for that. I'm sure he's on to something younger, hotter and probably surgically enhanced.

People are trying to compare him to that fat cheater Clemens, who's ego wouldn't fit in France. Roger is still screaming he's innocent to anyone who will listen, even though they pretty much have all but the needle hanging out of his ass. Turns out Dan Duquette was right on when he let Roger go to Toronto, he probably was in the twilight of his non-cheating career, but was about to enter the cheating part. I mean, I guess I can't say with 100% certainty that he used, but his best friend ratted him out and his wife.....

I think this speaks for itself.....Well, I hope Lance is clean, but if not, at least he beat all the Pierre's in France.

Soriano? The Yankees Now Have Some Depth

Dawg,
Have the Yankees leveled the playing field now that they signed Rafael Soriano? -Ryan in Gloucester

Dear Bryan, First off, I wonder what Joba is thinking right now?

He went from can't miss starter to heir apparent to Mo to set up guy to borderline, last man in, middle innings eater with a sweet DUI video and a meth mom mixed in for good measure. He went from invincible to a few bugs throwing him off his game against Cleveland in the playoffs to piece of shit AAAA mop up man in three years. Not that the Sox haven't had a few like him - I think Craig Hansen is the assistant carriage boy at my Stop&Shop. From what I understand he pushes the carts hard, but is very erratic.

I think Soriano is a good relief pitcher, and the Yankees bullpen is strong, and on paper is the strongest in the league. BUT, they are a tender elbow and sore back away from being garbage. They have serious issues with depth. They either sign suddenly over the hillers like Lance “The Prance” Berkman or absolute trash from AAA - like who the hell are these guys: R. Pena. They are one Cameron Diaz forcing AROD to "tweak" his hip away from replacing Arod with R. Pena. I'm not sure if R is his first name or if that stands for Rogelio or Renne.'

Quick, can anyone name Jeter's backup or Cano's? Guess who? That's right, R. Pena. So if there's some kind of locker room sexcapades and the naked tower tumbles the wrong way, R Pena better be ready to field three positions and hit .340.

Also, as I blissfully type this, Andy Pettite is spending time with his wonderful family in Deer Park, Texas. I hear Deer Park is an amazing place, especially from the months of April through November. Not to be missed. I have sent Mrs. Pettite several Tantra books, silk sheets and lube by the gallon just to make sure Deer Park's finest citizen is happy in all the phases of his life. Which I believe for a dullard like Pettite includes hunting, eating, crapping, mouth breathing and reproducing.

So that leaves Sergio Mitre (I'm pretty sure he's named after a gay saw) and Ivanona (I think I saw them open up for Loverboy in 1984) in the Yankees rotation. Now, that lights out bullpen will be overused. We all know CC gets tired, or hungry, after 6 innings. Inning eater Burnett is usually ready for a beer and tattoo after threeandtwothirds and Hughes still has the "Hughes rules" because the Yankees treat their young starters like fragile crystal eggs with anthrax in them. When do they take the diapers off Phil and let him go more than 6? Probably not this year. So, that puts a lot of pressure and innings on that infallible Yankees bullpen.

I still think the scales are tipped our way, but I am a major homer with tons of bias. -'Dawg

Manny, Strippers and Brazilian Communism

Dear Dawg,

Where do you think Manny Ramirez will play next year? –Jay, T.O

Luke,

Who cares? At the moment I’m living in a cave at the top of a mountain in Guanabara Bay waiting for that Marxist Dilma to get yet another drink on the beach. Jesus, lady leftist guerillas sure can drink. Is she making out with a donkey...?

I’ve got a minute here. Your question? Considering many illegal drugs are decriminalized in Canada, I think Manny will do very well if he signs with the Blue Jays. Canadians love individualism and have very low expectations for athletes not in ice skates. I think it’s a perfect fit. He’ll be just another guy with dirty hair there. Also like Manny, most Europeans are very lazy.

I was sad that the Chicago experiment didn’t work out for Manny but I think living daily under the threat of Oney Guillen’s tweets would be hard for anyone, especially someone who smokes 3 trees a day.

It’s also likely that Brandi Favre will be fleeing to Canada on her brother’s dime with a meth pipe hidden in her vagina. Maybe Manny and Brandi could be roomies? Just a thought.

Well that’s all for now. I think Rousseff is getting another lap dance (labor party perks). Manny loves strippers, maybe he should come play ball down here?? Gotta go. –Dawg

Baltimore's Chances? Dead Birds Don't Fly

Dawg, What's up with all these dead birds? Are they Baltimore fans? -Nik, New Haven

Dear Dik, First of all, I think the main point that people are missing with this weird bird thing is that dead birds can't fly. I don't want to get all scientific on you, and talk about the physics involved with gravity, but once those wings stop flapping - BLAM - those bad boys are falling to the earth. Sure, Orioles are known to gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but don't forget about high flyers like the Blue Jays and Cardinals.

My other theory is that there's a giant cat perched on a cloud, whacking those things out of the sky like Jason Varitek whacking Arod in the face with a mitt. The last theory is that those birds flew all the way from New York to try and woo local Arkansas boy Cliff Lee to come pitch for them and they are dying from mass depression. I mean have you seen their pathetic rotation for 2011. And now they are talking Kevin Milwood or Freddy Garcia? Talk about things that are dead - there's two careers for you that should be.

When Pet-it retires, expect to see some more flocks down over Texas. 'Dawg

New England, Steve Buckley and the F Bomb

Dawg,

Can you clear something up?
My buddy says that yelling "you're gay" in New England is no big deal. That hearing "fag" is akin to hearing asshole, dumbass and douchebag. Is that true? Cindy, Scituate

Dear Mindy,

Is it okay to say the word "fag?" Well, when you are twelve playing street hockey with your pals, yes. In a board meeting, no. Is it right to say it? No. I have good friends who are "fags" and the Dawg doesn't treat them any different than other non-fag friends.

In fact, guess what?, when you hang out with one, there's no competition for the ladies attention, kind of like rolling with Orange Don. So, I like them better than some of my straight friends. So, I don't let people use that word in my presence. Why? Because the Dawg doesn't perpetuate any stereotypes like that.

If you meant an English word for cigarrettes, go ahead and use it whenever applicable. Example: When I drink too much I really like to suck off a fag to relax myself" 'Dawg

The thing I Hate About Iraq is Everything

Dear Dawg,

Where you at this week?

Love, Jalal

Dear Jalal,

I don't know if you heard, but that dude who kind of looks like Darth Vader without the mask, Moqtada al-Sadr is back in Iraq and let's just say we need some eyes on this douchebag. He looks the part, and talks the talk, and now the Dawg is going to see if he can walk the walk. The thing I hate about Iraq is everything.

First of all, it's hard to tell what's doing under those Burqua things. You could be looking at 1971 Raquel Welch or Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show.

It's also dusty as all get out. Dawg has sand rocks up his nose (among other places). It seems to Dawg that these people are here just to steal our oil that their land happens to be on top of and it's Dawg's job to make sure scumbags like DarthSadr can't steal what's rightfully ours. Okay, gotta run, my Tabouli just showed up.-'Dawg

Princess Jacoby and Playing Through the Pain

Dear Mr. Dawg,

I need some serious advice. Over the holidays, I injured myself wrapping presents. It's a pretty bad cut, almost an inch long on my pinky finger. It bled for a while. I'm still on break from work but soon will be back in the grind. I'm not sure I'll be better by then...

Problem is Dawg, my bosses are real sticklers about work. They want me there a lot, even when I'm hurt. I took a few days off last year and they got real mad. What if my finger isn't right by spring Dawg, what should I do? -Jacoby

Dear Jac,

First off, wrapping presents is women's work. The 'Dawg gives his wife a new car every year just to avoid wrapping. But, since you decided to be in touch with your feminine side, it seems to be affecting you in other ways. The first thing you're going to need to do is change your maxi pad. Then, when you get that squared away. Cut your GD pinky off like Ronnie Lott did so he could play in a playoff game. I once saw Butch Hobson play a day night doubleheader with a piece of tape holding his arm together. Of course, he had ingested copious amounts of painkiller in powder form to help ease the pain. He also couldn't reach first base with his throws, but that's not what matters.

What matters is being a gamer. And if you are looking for excuses not to play, then you are no dirt dog.

Pedroia was basically out there last year taking grounders in a cast. He couldn't stand missing games while other players didn't even hang out with the team. Instead, they went to a beauty spa in Arizona. Now the Dawg has nothing against spas, I enjoy a good facial from time to time. I mean, who doesn't - but if a player is injured he should be around the team. Otherwise his teammates look at him as a big douchebag. But you can rebound from this new affliction by taking off the skirt and playing through a little pain, you pussy. XOXOX'Dawg

Christmas Tit-Tats, Don and the Bruins' Chances

Dawg,
I am a little late getting my wife something for Christmas. She is a huge Red Sox fan and she has breasts.

I was thinking about getting her a Red Sox tit-tat for the holidays. Is this a good gift for my lady?

She's from Southie so a tattoo seems appropriate? (and which boob?)

Also, are the Bruins going to win the Cup? -Larry, South Boston

Rick,

You guys going to that place on L Street? Tell them Dawg sent you and Jimmy will give you a free shamrock above your wife’s spandex whale tail.

Always remember Chuck, that tattoos are forever and no matter how much you can try surgery can never really undo what’s done in a South African shanty town parlor with two hookers, a razor, an ink pen and a half ounce of Korean opium.

You said you’re from Southie, right? Remember too that she’s your woman. Holiday gifts are optional as long as you're diggin’ out her mother’s parking space in the winter and saving it with an old record player or something. If all else fails, “forget” to wrap it up and give her a baby for Christmas. Women love babies, esp. during the holidays.

Right now, the Bs stand at 20-11-5. Not horrible but the not the kind of record you'd expect from a team with this much talent. The 2010 playoff collapse was an epic failure to say the least. If we see that kind of playoff result again this year, I’ll will most definitely kill a South American dictator out of pure spite, “too many men penalty” my ass.

However by then, the Sox will be 30-0 and I’ll be counting Wally Doll and sausage receipts into the millions.

In my mind, the Bruins have played too many games this year with a lackluster effort (see our last game against the Ducks). Maybe they need some drama/intensity to fire these guys up. Perhaps a locker room fight or two? Another two-week trip to Europe isn’t the answer this year. Who knows? Guys like Recchi, Chara, Seguin and others need to step up or play elsewhere. Maybe the Bs should ask Don to announce some games. Guy never shuts up about hockey.

However like Chicago proved, the regular season means little in hockey when the playoffs last a trimester. Teams that come in ready to play, healthy and streaking win Stanley Cups.

Have a happy and safe New Year everybody. -Dawg, left boob

Bobby Jenks, Girly Gripes and Tweets From the One and Oney

Dawg,

Is a man a pussy if he talks shit on Twitter like Oney Guillen? Should Bobby have tweeted back?

It used to be a man got mad face-to-face, but in this new age every Chris Brown is tweeting gripes from the comfort of his marble coated hot tub.

Teddy, if that's the case I have a few gripping tweets to tweet about Grady Little, Kobe Bryant, CC Fatbathia or even Lindsay Lohan not being in that Pornopic anymore about Linda Lovelace.

Also, is the Celtics’ season ovah? –O’Donnell in Weymouth

O’D,

When I was a young whippersnapper a twit was kind of a weakling or a British guy. As in "Get a load of that British twit wearing sandals at a baseball game." Now, it's something on my grandkid’s phone.

I have read some twits, and people tell me I have a Twitter account. Someone from my empire must maintain it, because I have no earthly idea what the hell it is. Seems like random people writing random things about their boring lives. Most of the people are losers, trying to get someone to retweet their idiotic thoughts.

Some people do things like this: #Gerbilinjetersass - and I don't get how that works either. They tell me it's a hash; again, hash was something totally different when Tedsicle was younger. Either it was something you ate at a truck stop or smoked with Butch Hobson in the restroom of the truck stop. Also, it's UnAmerican to complain or gripe about pornography. Give Lindsay a few months and you'll be seeing her beautiful ginger freckled sweater knobs on the screen before you can say Mean Girls.

A man is a wussy who gripes in a Tweet.

Bobby should have called Ozzie’s barber and bribed him to give the ol' manager a Hitlerstache like MJ. Now that would have #shushed Oney up quick.

The Cs will be fine. Once Rondo’s ankle reheals, he’ll come back to lead the team on another huge win streak. A couple of those streaks, Perkins gets out of his cheermoni suit and then the playoffs are here. A rested Garnett returns to the court to start pulling the cancer card on every role playing big man and Dawg is recounting his rings from the comfort of this cold, frozen mountain in Chechnya.

Have faith, be good and go Red Sox. -Dawg

Feel Bad for the Yankees?

Dawg,

On Saturday night I was in St. Brendan's in Dorchester lighting a candle for Rondo's ankle when I felt something on my arm. I 1st thought it was Father Mark looking for a hand job for old ties sake but as I turned I realized it was one of the Steinbrenner brothers, praying pitching. D, Should I feel bad for him? -Fitzy

Dear Sully,

It's good that you were in church, and because of your anecdote, I know you are a lying dick. First off, Father Mark doesn't touch adults. Secondly, I think it's pretty clear that the Steinbrenners don't "pray" to God. In fact, they have a family deal with Satan. Don't you worry about 'Lil Steins as I like to call them, they have all the money in the world (actually only 93.7% of all money) and will find someone to buy sooner or later. I think they can also call up one of their golden armed minor leaguers. I see one of their pitchers has been "lights out" in the Dominican Summer League, and those innings are almost exactly like facing major leqague competition. (That's called sarcasm, Sully). All I know for sure is that Andy Pettite can pretty much dictate the terms of his contract. If I were him, I'd fleece those fat inheritors until they end up scrubbing barnicles off boat bottoms to make ends meet. -'Dawg

Dan the Pedo and Kim Jong in a Bathrobe

Dawg,

Although I'm glad the Sox got another pen arm, this guy is a "pedo", right? Have you seen him? Is it just the beard?
Also, is it possible to induct an entire basketball team into the H.o.F. while they're still playing? -Murph in Leminstah

Sully,

First off, You can't judge a book by it's cover. But yeah, he's got that look. Remember he is from Warwick and they are all a little "off." I think it has something to do with the water or something.

But, I like what Wheeler brings to the table. He'll give you innings and has had solid numbers for years in the AL East. Think Timlin after he was a dominant closer but before he was a used up ragdoll. He makes the Sox BP that much deeper. If Lackett* gets it together even a little this year, the Sox will be dangerous. NBA - Yeah, I think there are 5 HOF players on the Celtics right now. They are one of the best teams I've ever seen. I'm so glad they are better than the Lebrons, because my heart couldn't take that.

I'm getting sick of stalking Kim Jong IL. He walks around in a bathrobe all day, and intermittently screams something crazy. Just like working the booth with Don I suppose. 'Dawg

Ow Ming

I see that filthy communist "Ow Ming" is all done for the year, and let's face it, career. It comes down to this: 8 foot tall people aren't made right. When they have the nobody over 5'8 rule implemented, look for the Dawg to get back to pro sports. It'll be the tight shorts era all over again.

Rembo

Lee to Philly

Nation,
I see the Yankees fans have something to be upset over. Getting the prized free agent during the winter meetings has become a yawner for Yankee fans. I half expect them to sign all stars to back up their all stars at this point. But this year, something crazy happened and Cliff Lee chose to go to the Phillies rather than the Yankees or Rangers. So, the Yankees are left dredging the scrap heap for a decent starter. This means AJ Burnett is their number four starter. I would feel uncomfortable having AJ Burnett be the number four bagger at Wal-mart. Sometimes he would bag your deeply discounted items just fine, but other times he would miss the bag altogether, and would frighten kids with his horrendous tattoos and overall psycho-ness.

Now, the Yankee fans turn to "insane trade" mode, where they wonder why Felix Hernandez, Chris Carpenter and Cole Hamels don't just show up gift wrapped for a couple of low level, never gonna make it prospects. Sorry folks, it just doesn't work that way.

It is a lovely off season for the Red Sox. Nabbing Gonzalez, sneaking up on Crawford...and all they need now is a few arms for the middle of the bullpen. We can all kick back (in my case in a frigid foxhole in North China) and revel in the Yankees pathetic attempts to match the Sox off season.

'Dawg

Carl Crawford

Nation,

Late last night, a friend sent me a telegram (that's the only way I can communicate in the mountains here in North Korea) and asked what I thought about CC. Well, of course my first thought was that CC FatSlobbathia had a stroke or heart attack due to eating doughnuts and pizzas all day. I was glad to realize that CC is fine (I think, for now), and my friend was referring to Carl Crawford. As a guy who has spent a long time hating Crawford for his amazing skill set and penchant for sinking the Sox in so many different ways, I am sooo happy. Seven years of this guy in LF? Yes please. If he's not doing it with the bat, he can run like a deer, throw like Dewey and catch a fly ball like my main man, Otis Nixon, who as far as I can tell lived on crack and oxygen.. Thank you Theo, even though I'm in a frigid mountain setting, tracking troop movements this warmed my heart like whiskey, only without the vomiting on myself. MerryYankeekillingSeason!'Dawg

Qaddafi, the Bimbo and some Fried Snikers w/ Baked Beans

Nation:

I write to you imbedded deep in North Korea, so I have to be brief. First off - Wikileaks. Is anyone surpised that Qaddafi was nailing a bimbo? Like he's batshit crazy but a faithful husband? Come on. Or that Iran is devious? Or Saudi Arabia is playing both sides against the middle? What kind of spying is going on here?

Thankfully, they have me working for them now so our leaked information should get much more interesting. For instance, did you know Kim Jong Il wears women's underwear, and bathes in baked beans every night? His son plays with army men and has a penchant for deep fried snickers bars. There's a lot more I'll let Wikileaks leak to you, I don't want to lose anyone a job!

On to more pressing matters of national interest. LeBron. I wonder if he's regretting his decision yet. The Heat have been manhandled by the good teams in the East and look a lot like a mediocre team. In fact, the triple threat looks like they are already out of gas. Bosh is too thin underneath. Wade all of a sudden looks like Scottie Pippen without Michael Jordan and LeBron looks like he's frustrated. What do you expect from a team coached by a 19 year old model?

I'm sure those guys are having a blast in warm Miami, meanwhile, Kevin Garnett and the Celtics are hungry and angry and are set not to be upstaged.

Okay, gotta run and watch this idiot fill his bathtub with beans.

'Dawg

Dawg Style Consequences

Hey Nation,

A lot of you are pretty ticked off about losing V-Mart to the Tigers. I don't have a ton of insight other than I guess pizza pays off, even if it tastes like cardboard and ketchup.

Since It's the offseason, I'm doing some moonlighting for my boys in the CIA in Korea. Let's just say, the next round of artillery will have serious Dawg style consequences. One of the benefits of foreign service for Uncle Sam is the wonderfully exotic women in these remote locations. I can't go into details, but they don't call it Pyong-Tang for nothing. Tomorrow, I'll be swimming across the river to the North Side, to see what Communist delights they offer up after I kick a little ass.

Did you know that hot dogs have a whole other meaning here? I swear I had a Poodle Schnitzel last night. I'm here fighting the fight, while Don is back hom

e sitting in his 24-7 perm-a-tan booth he has in his house. We tell him it's bad for his skin, but he'll probably OD on Doughnut holes before the rays get him.

Okay, gotta run, I want to make sure to devote enough time to my Korean Harem.

Oh, and Daisuke, your wife and my kid say hi.

Hugs,

'Dawg

Howdy Folks,

It's been awhile since I've posted. I was in a Philipino concentration camp, pretending to be a child warrior. Good thing I've maintained my boyish good looks. It seems as though the Red Sox didn't win the World Series when I was gone, but I'll take care of that next year. Now I see the LeBrons are not able to run with Boston's big three. Is anyone surprised at this? You've got those three superstars, one of which would be the 7th man on the Celtics. I'd rather have BigBaby than BabyBosh any day. Despite losing to the Canadiens last night the Bruins are looking tough. I had a chance to see them in Prague when I was meeting with some operatives there, and they look good to me.

Okay, I've got some guns to polish, I'll be back soon with more vital 'Dawg information.