They Did It Backwards

Dear Dawg,

I'm sooo upset over Rob and Kristen breaking up.  Is there anything you can say to console fans of Twilight?
xoxoxox 
Trampire

Dear Trampire,

I think we all know what is in Kristen Stewart's near future: Derek Jeter.  The king of consoling lost hollywood starlets is applying his Yankee cologne, and making sure his signature, and might I add - disgusting, smile is good to go.  Pretty soon, she'll be a wreck at the hands of the infamous lady slayer.  Crying outside his apartment door while he's involved in a threesome with Minka Kelly and Miss Universe.  All she did was make out with some married guy who directed her in a movie...If you believe all they did was make out, I've got some information for you - they did everything.  All of it, and they did it backwards, upside down and with spotlights.  It's hollywood, that's what people do out there.  Trust me, I played for the Angels for a while, so I saw the behind the scenes action out there.  Two words sum it up: Sex Cocaine.   

I'd say her only chance to escape the Jeter trap is to go for AROD.  The problem there, is she needs to look more like Taylor Lautner than Taylor Swift.  

Trampire, I feel for that vampire guy, because aside from looking pale and sad he seems like an okay kind of guy for a British guy.  He has all his teeth, wears a baseball hat and died in a Harry Potter movie. (I'll always love you Cedric!)

'Dawg

Beckett Worries About How His Butt Looks in Skinny Jeans

Mr. Dawg, Does Beckett just needs a cup of hot coco and a hug?

Beckett used to be "commander kickass" and throw 97 mph heat high and tight.  I remember one time when he made Ryan Howard cry in a spring training game and then hit a massive homerun in the next inning just to show he could do his job and Howard's job.  Now he's a soft tossing, fried chicken eating wuss.  Even worse he's transformed Jon Lester into some kind of Texas fairy who throws 87 mph cutters instead of heat.  I used to think Beckett was a tough guy, but now he's more worried about his few days off a year and how his butt looks in skinny jeans.  If they can unload this POS on some other team for a bag of baseballs and his rookie card, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I get the feeling he's a bad seed.  I hear the Rangers are looking for pitchers, too bad Beckett isn't one anymore. -D

Did it Hurt THAT MUCH?

NATION,
Some players are as tough as nails. Others cry when their pink nail polish gets chipped.  AROD is a part of one of those two groups.  He has been known to eat glove, slap balls and cry when things don't go his way. He flexes in front of mirrors, dates women with bigger biceps than his own and spends more money on hair products than most third world nations spend on food.  I'm sure it hurts when you break a bone in your hand, but does it hurt as much as AROD leads us to believe?  I believe he suffers from hypersensitivity, or as Sully from Staughton calls it "soft wrists."
XXOO, Dawg
I'm off to London. Will be busy working for the next few weeks. Will try and liveblog the female gymnastics.  GO USA!!!! Hopefully connecting up with ShaBron's mother at some point. She's free at least.

ALSO-
MAILBAG!!
From loyal reader Chucky at Norway Novelties:
Jesus, I thought somebody had shot him in the nuts he was crying so hard.  Typical Yankee pussy.

From loyal reader MannysPS2:
Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahaha
AROD has NUTS?  I think he wouldn't even feel a crotch shot!

One of the interns from the college has a birthday today (23). Good working BB. I am giving you this. Enjoy she has served me well: