Saturday, December 27, 2014

The Truth About Abby Chin


Readers,
As an undercover intelligence operative for the U.S. Government during the Red Sox off-season, many of you know the perils I endure. My undercover work allows me to rest and take my mind off baseball after a long season. I need to deliver the best product in the booth for you - the viewer, despite what Don does behind the camera with fancy European tanning oil and black market hair spray.

Jumping out of airplanes while drinking champagne, boxing Russian bears, surfing websites without authentic security certificates, and of course, having deep and meaningless relations with Katy Perry (call me), are the side of Dawg the public knows. It's an image I must maintain.

However, it may come as a surprise to many of you that I have an on-again, off-again relationship with Celtics sideline reporter Abby Chin. When I say relationship, I mean Abby Chin has absolutely no idea who I am. As a sideline reporter for CSNNE, Abby is as knowledgeable about the intricacies of basketball as she is poised and confident under the pressure of Tommy Heinsohn's reddening cheeks while he bellows at her about foul shot discrepancies and team defense.

You can only imagine my shock when Abby retweeted a Dawg-ism last night during the Cs game. My skin turned whiter than Mike Gorman's hair, my thoughts more confused and disconnected than Dave Cowen's studio analysis. Did Abby really know how I felt about her? 

But alas it was only a quick push of a button during the hot passion of a tight Celtic's game. It doesn't take much effort to thumb an iPhone. The truth about Abby Chin is that she will be wooed away from the game by no man, even one as manly as Dawg. She cares only for the 12 man squad that is the Boston Celtics and that is why we love her so much. 

This comfort I will take with me as I tumble out of an F-16 over an undisclosed location somewhere near Yemen tonight with only my wits and a 35 year old bottle of cognac to accompany a lonely but contented heart in a 920 mph free fall. Duty calls Nation. Go Celtics. -Dawg

p.s. That block by Olynyk was completely badass, keep the kid Danny. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Who Really Hacked Sony? Rectal Feed Trebek's Mustache

Dear Mr. Dawg,Who really hacked Sony? -Kimberly, Hungul, Korea

Kimmy, As a super secret spy for the US Government during the baseball off-season, I spend a lot of time assassinating diplomats and banging Asian models in North KoreaI've given the security guards at the Ryongsong Residence their fair share of Cosby Jello shots and had my run of the compound when the Supreme KJ-Un is off on vacation beating slaves to death with a basketball pump. I've banged his whores, smoked his fine imitation cigarettes, and fed his dogs Chinese Arbys (tastes like Uncle). It's a nice palace to spy on, but honestly, I don't see Kim Jung hacking an American movie studio. He loves American movies, even the bad ones and that's a lot because Seth Rogen makes like 11 a year. If I was Sony, I'd put my eyes on Trebek's mustache. That thing's been missing since 2011 and has an ax to grind. It had access to every question ever answered, so that's something, all that high level computer code firewall security stuff that is completely unprotected in every major American corporation is too easy for a big-time dictator to hack, but a smart piece of facial hair.... I'd write more about hacking and other subversive spy stuff but I've got to go, Lucy (below) needs advice on how to best case my sausage. Happy Christmas or whatever. Jesus and I both love you. Yours, Dawg

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

LeBron Moves in on Dawg's Treat

Dawg, Can you believe LeBron put his arm around Kate? Is that dude crazy? -Doug, New Boston, Conn.
Douggy,
LeBron is Crazy for so many other reasons.  Putting his arm around the Princess is not a big deal.  You should have seen what I wrapped around her a few months ago.  Something tells me that future King might have some Dawg blood in him.  But hey, she can dip her crumpets in my tea any day. -Dawg
Lest we not forget who the REAL king is...

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

$$$$$

Dawg, Did the Sox overpay for their new talent? Sully, Roxburry

Tim,
Overpay?  With whose cash?  John Henry's?  Good.  There's no such thing as overpay when it's not your money.  That guy owns a soccer team in England, a race car and a baseball team.  I don't understand the "markets" but I think he sells pork bellies or coffee or something and has enough money that he was able to marry someone half his age.  I'm pretty sure things like "the luxury tax" are okay when you can dredge that cash out of your couch cushions.  

The age of the spouse is directly proportional to the wealth of the person.  So, that dude who married Anna Nicole Smith was like a gatrillionaire, which is also the exact amount the Yankees have left remaining on A-Rod's contract.  Yeah, memba him?  He's my favorite Non-Red Sox player because he is weighing that entire city down like a bloated half horse, half man albatross.  Are they going to wheel his juiced ass out to third?  Is Canseco the starting SS for the yankees?  

Jeets retired just in time to avoid being A-Rod's teammate. Don't think that was a coincidence.     -D

Olivia Wilde Bikini Photos: Maui