Monday, May 23, 2011

President Awesome, O'Bama


Dawg,

Why the hell is our black president drinking Guinness in Ireland? The news tells me he's an elitist latte drinking communist dictator that I should hunt down like a dog before he destroys humanity, but when I see him down a Guinness in a pub, I start to think...But then the guys on EEI bring me back down to earth and I start hating again. Dawg, what to do? -Owen MickO'Toolihan

Dear Owen,

The 'Dawg doesn't like to dabble in politics, because I deal in absolutes. Mother Theresa? Good. Hitler? Bad. Dawg would be in the Mother Theresa party and not the Hitler party. When the lines aren't as clear, my head starts spinning.

Do you know what Dawg does when his head spins? That's right, he reaches for a beer. Beer has been known to solve problems. Now, any idiot can hoist a clear Miller Dry Pale Light Ice Lime and take a few sips before handing it off to the guy who carries the president's crap around until nobody's looking and then trashes it. You know, like when the French hand the president some kind of vomit cheese.

Is he supposed to actually admit that rotten rancid crap is edible and end up in the presidential shitcan all week plotting to invade Marseille? No, F that, the leader of the free world should not be forced to eat some rotten goddamned fruitcake from the Balkans. So, when they actually down their Guinness in four gulps, and their lady hops behind the bar and starts pouring (properly I might add), that's impressive. I'm guessing that that one beer might be the end of Tsunamis, hurricanes, bad levies, poverty, war, the Yankees....That beer is probably the beginning of the golden era of our Nation and possibly the world. Dawg's advice to the president would have been to follow it up with a few shots of Irish Whiskey (when in Dublin)...Christ we could be colonizing other galaxies by next Tuesday if I had a say. Anyhow, I agree I can drink a beer with that guy, any time. -'Dawg

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It Ain't Over


Dawg,
With 30 seconds left in regulation LeNervous lost the ball out of bounds. The Cs had it and a tied score, how did they lose this game? Can they bounce back from this?

Also, with the Bruins series start this month? -DeW, Summerville

Dear DeWayne,
Apparently, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett ran into each other, ruining Doc's inbound play. I think we've all seen Pierce make that shot at times in his career, so considering it was a busted pay, at least Pierce was smart enough not to give the Heat time to do anything if he did miss.

Can they win? I don't know. Do you think LeBron, Dwayne and Bosh's massive egos will be swollen with confidence? Do you think KG is sitting back saying "it's over" or do you think he's steering at something, eyes crossed, counting the seconds until he gets a chance to steal one in Miami? Do you think Ray Allen is going to stop getting to the gym four hours early? Do you think Rondo will "sit this one out" with his sore elbow?

It ain't over, not by a long shot. The Celtics are Champions, and the Heat have yet to vanquish them or prove anything except they are better than the Sixers.

The Bruins series is going to start. Some day. The later the better. Let Bergeron's noggin recover. I hope Seguin is ready to play, because he'll be pressed into action, centering the third line. Time to be the stud rookie we thought we had in October.

Dawg predicts: Bruins in 6. (Mostly because it rhymes)sexy cleavage gallery 28 Its Monday, you know what that means: FLBP (39 Photos)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Clownfish

Dear Dawg,
Any inside info on Bin Laden? -B.H.O., D.C.

Nation,
Did you really think I've had the "flu" this whole time? Obviously there were some pics of me at the Royal Wedding, but even those were fake. I was able to pose with Kate and Will a few weeks ago so Al Qaeda didn't know we were on to OBL. It was a simple mission, we flew in under the cover of day, and kicked some Qaeda ass.

Bin Laden was wearing pink briefs and eye make up and had a Jeter shirt on. When I capped his ass, he was begging me to save him, offering me riches and virgins. I told him Dawn already had all those things and put that dog down without saying another word. Because Dawg is respectful of other cultures, we buried him within 24 hours of death by dumping his skinny ass in the ocean.

If you are a fan of Bin Laden and want to pay last respects, I believe the military is offering to transport you right to the grave site so you can pay your respects up close and personal, at the bottom of the ocean. Thanks Navy Seals, President Obama and the intelligence infrastructure! Dawg